Disclaimer:  Twilight Universe created by Stephenie Meyer  {Movies by Summit Entertainment}  Thank you for creating this awesome story!

 

No monetary profit is being made from this writing.  Fan creations are a labour of Love J

 

 

Rating PG

 

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Top 13 Ways to Provoke the Volturi

 

 

Warning:  An Information Guide only

 

Do not perform these ~ Unless that is, you have a Death wish.

 

 

 

13.    If you’re a Vampire, flash yourself (entirely) to a crowd of humans in direct sunlight. Preferably on front porch of the Volturi family home in Volterra Italy, (or you could create an army of savage, blood lusting newborns or if you’re even more insane, a baby vampire…  However, the first is much less trouble (and less painful)

 

12.  Say “Jane, you were such a nice, girl in Charlotte’s Web.  What on Earth happened?!” 

 

11.  Make stupid faces for hours at Marcus, trying to make him laugh.  After a few more hours he will most likely get a tad annoyed and kill you - without even cracking a smile

 

10.  Hide whoopee cushions under the padding on their thrones

 

9.  Tell Felix Alec is cuter - and you could beat him in an arm wrestle (If you are human, however, he will most likely wrestle your arm off)

 

8.  Tell Sulpicia (or Athenodora if Caius takes your fancy) that you would make a better wife

 

7.  Tell Renata you know her favourite movie is The Bodyguard and she secretly sings I will Always Love Yooooou… About her charge when she thinks no one is listening…

 

6.  Write a letter to Arrow, the Volturi Leader, (include your real name and home address) telling Arrow how upset you are that the Volturi abuse their power.  Be sure to overuse Arrow’s name - And be sure to spell it wrong each time

 

5.   Swap their regular tourist delivery with pizzas

 

4.   When Aro asks you to do something - each time say, “Yes Master…” in an Igor voice

 

3.  Alternatively say “Yes Master,” in a calm, cultured, British accent and keep asking him when you are to complete your Jedi training

 

2.  Tell Aro you know he’s secretly in love with Carlisle

 

And the Numero Uno way to provoke the Volturi … (Even if you DO have a Death wish, this one use ONLY as an ABSOLUTE LAST resort)…

 

 

1.    Tell Caius he looks like a girl 

 

 

 

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