Disclaimers: Saint George (Lucasfilm) crated the Star Wars Universe. Lucasfilm owned by Disney. George Lucas created the Star Wars Universe. Movies by 20th Century Fox/Disney. I make no Republic Datari {Credits}, Peggats, Truguts, Wupiupi, etc from my fanfic/fanart/fanfunnies. Story written purely for enjoyment and the only profit I make is the happiness my writing brings. The Force is With You Always :)
Summary: The Jedi and Sith have to team up to escape hostile aliens - An AU story
Rating PG
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ARE WE THERE YET?
The Sith had allied themselves with the Kalan in the hope that the warrior race would help them eliminate the Jedi. The Kalan had called Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to their homeworld with Darth Maul lying in wait. Unbeknownst to the Sith, the Kalan planned to dispense with him as well, believing both Sith and Jedi were a threat to their way of life. They had fed their guests a poisoned meal, though Obi-Wan had been in the shuttle, trying to make contact with Coruscant, at the time and had not eaten. When their enemies had not dropped dead, the Kalan became aggressive and had tried to rid them in a more forceful manner, the Jedi and Sith setting aside their differences for the time being to escape their attackers.
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Despite their prowess, the Jedi and Sith were outnumbered, quite a few hundred to three, the Kalan enraged their deception had not succeeded. Obi-Wan had leapt from the shuttle, sensing danger as the craft exploded, the young Jedi narrowly missing being torn apart by flying debris. He stole a transport, skidding to a halt in front of the Main Tower Building, his Master and Darth Maul, lightsabres ignited, fighting off their attackers. Maul growled. He'd been ordered to eliminate the Jedi if the Kalan didn’t and planned to carry out his orders but for now, to his disgust he had to escape with them. He made a mental note to inform his Master of the Kalans' deception, knowing the older Sith would not be merciful.
"Good timing," Qui-Gon said to Obi-Wan, disengaging and sheathing his lightsaber, jumping into the vehicle with the agility of a cat. Maul did the same, and sat glowering in the back seat of the car, while Obi-Wan sped off in the somewhat blast proof vehicle and the Sith wondered where in the Universe a Jedi learned to hotwire.
Obi-Wan continued on the road, their pursuants not far behind, keeping out of weapons range, just.
The Sith sat in silence with grudging admiration at the young Jedi's resolve, however his Master seemed distracted. Maul couldn't put his finger on it. Fear? Doubt? Worry? .... Something else, something more? Something he kept well hidden as his young Padawan swerved and sped down the road.
Maul noted the Jedi Master again seemed somewhat distracted and looked at the back of his seat with disdain. He gripped his sabre ... He could run the older man through the back here and now, but surmised that was not the best course of action - yet.
Qui-Gon's focus seemed elsewhere, though his concentration was absolute. He pointed to a side road, which his Padawan took, narrowly missing their vehicle being blasted apart.
The Sith waited for his chance to kill them both. Again he sensed Qui-Gon's discomfort and decided it was fear, though he surmised the Jedi Master was trying to hide and distort it. A small smile crept across Maul's face, tainted with disdain.
Obi-Wan sped on, annoyed with his Master, though he said nothing. Qui-Gon seemed distracted, though the older Jedi remained silent.
Once he was satisfied their pursuants had been lost, he turned to his Padawan. "Stop the car."
It almost didn't register.
"Stop the car, Obi-Wan."
"Master?"
"*Now*"
"Are you mad?" Maul hissed. "They'll be on top of us in an instant!"
"We've lost them. Stop the damned car."
"What's the matter, Jedi?" Maul taunted. "Lost your lip gloss?"
Obi-Wan jerked the car to a halt. Qui-Gon silenced his Padawan with a gesture, then opened the car door and bolted.
The Jedi Padawan and Sith stared.
//He can't be *that* much of a coward ...// Maul thought.
Obi-Wan looked after his Master, deeply concerned.
Some way from the car now, Qui-Gon knelt and vomited like there was no tomorrow.
So that was it, Maul thought, the discomfort he had sensed as the violently ill Jedi tossed up more of his lunch. The Sith became grudgingly impressed at the Jedi Master's resolve to keep it in, and suffer the discomfort for over two hours without a word of complaint.
Qui-Gon made his way back to the vehicle, stopping and bending over to hurl once more, Maul noticing the Jedi even vomited with grace.
Qui-Gon climbed back into the car. "Carry on," he said as though nothing had happened.
"Master?"
The Jedi Master smiled. "Must've been something I ate. I'm fine, Obi-Wan."
"You just threw half your guts up."
"Apparently the Kalan poison has some effect on humans, not fatal, though far from pleasent."
"It hasn't effected me," Maul boasted. "I feel fine. " //Or I will be when I kill both of you.//
"It's made you into an evil bastard," Obi-Wan said. "Oh wait. You're like that anyway."
"Obnoxious brat!" Maul hissed, gripping his sabre.
"The feeling's mutual!"
"Good!"
"If you two children will stop fighting you'll remember we have a shuttle to get to before the Kalan do."
"Yes, Master," Maul hissed.
Obi-Wan glared at him.
About half an hour later, he had to stop again, his Master's stomach almost lurching into orbit.
Qui-Gon returned to the vehicle, feeling somewhat better.
"Are you all right?" Maul asked, sounding genuinely concerned. "Do you need something to drink?" The Sith unclipped a silver capsule from his belt and handed it to the Jedi.
//Don't, Master, it's a trick.//
//I don't sense deception ... Though it is rather strange ... And I do need a drink.//
"It's all right," Maul said, as though sensing Qui-Gon's thoughts. "It's not poisoned." He handed the capsule to
the older Jedi.
Despite his Padawan's misgivings, the Jedi Master drank the capsule, feeling somewhat refreshed.
"Thank you."
The Sith smiled pleasantly and took back the empty capsule. "Pleasure."
To Obi-Wan's surprise he didn't sound sarcastic.
The young Padawan drove on, sure Maul was up to something.
Qui-Gon also was unsure, though couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he too sensed something wasn't right here.
The Jedi Master felt a hand on his shoulder and slowly turned, surprised to see the Sith's face not from his, smiling gently.
"You have lovely hair," Maul purred, gently stroking Qui-Gon's long, silky strands.
Qui-Gon faced forward in a hurry. "I think I've just discovered what effect the poison has on Zabrak ..."
"I didn't mean what I said before," Maul said, sadly as he stroked Qui-Gon's hair. "About the lip gloss ... Your lips are... lovely."
"Stop the car, Obi-Wan."
"You need to-"
"*Yes*"
The young Padawan smiled.
//Just be grateful he didn't look at *you* first.//
Obi-Wan smiled again and couldn't suppress a giggle.
Qui-Gon glared at him, but not without a smile as his smirking Padawan drove on.
A few clicks down the road, Qui-Gon placed his hand on his Padawan's shoulder.
"I have to go - for real this time."
Obi-Wan looked to his Master.
"*Really*" Qui-Gon stressed.
The young Jedi smiled as his Master dashed out, bent over and chundered.
Upon his return Maul looked very concerned.
"You all right?" he asked gently.
"Yes," Qui-Gon said. //I hope.//
"I'm sorry, I don't have anything to ease your-"
"That's quite all right," Qui-Gon said.
He felt the Sith's hand on his shoulder again and shot his Padawan an annoyed glance when the younger Jedi could not stop smirking, then smiled and shook his head.
"Are we there yet?"
"I want to help you," Maul said.
Qui-Gon tried not to look at his lovesick glance and hoped to high Hades Maul regained his senses and became an evil bastard again, sooner rather than later and hoped the Sith never remembered any of this.
The amusement was wearing off, Obi-Wan glared at Maul.
Stuck in a car for four hours with a sick Jedi Master and an overly amorous Sith Lord was taking its toll. "Would you get your hands off him?"
Maul bore his teeth and growled, a loud, deep, fierce guttural
sound, as he dug his fingers possessively into Qui-Gon's shoulder.
The Padawan smiled. "On second thoughts ... he's all yours."
//Thanks a lot Obi-Wan.//
//Better than him wanting to run a lightsabre through you.//
//I'm not so sure about that...//
In the back of the car, Maul waved slightly to Qui-Gon, the Jedi Master sank back into his seat. //Are we there yet?//
Obi-Wan smiled, then turned to his Master.
//You know, Master, we could easily...// He placed his hand on his lightsabre.
Qui-Gon looked concerned. //No, Obi-Wan. He's helpless this way.//
//Would he grant you mercy if your positions were reversed?//
//No, but it'd be unethical. Look at him...//
//He doesn't really love you.//
//Thank the *Force* for that.//
Obi-Wan smiled. //I don't know if I'd be so kind in your place, Master.//
Maul looked at Qui-Gon. "You don't like me, do you?" he asked sadly.
"Uhh ... no, no it's not that ... "Qui-Gon said, uncomfortable. "You're very ... nice."
It took *all* of Obi-Wan's control not to burst into laughter.
"Do you think I'm ugly?" Maul looked sad.
"No ... " Qui-Gon stressed.
"Is it my face? It's the eyes, they are a bit intense, aren't they?" Maul blinked.
"No, I don't judge people by the way they look."
The Sith smiled. "You're so kind ... But why are you ... Oh ... You've never ... been with anyone before, have you."
Even with their Jedi training both Jedi Master and Padawan struggled to keep a straight face. Qui-Gon almost had to leave again.
"It's the teeth, isn't it?"
Maul began to play with the Jedi Master's hair again. "You're so warm and fuzzy..."
A barely audible whimper escaped Qui-Gon's throat.
//I think *I'm* going to be sick, Master.//
//You'll have to stop soon, Obi-Wan. My stomach can't take much more of this either.//
Obi-Wan stopped a few more times for his Master's relief, Maul becoming more and more concerned.
//Are we there yet?//
Obi-Wan smiled. //Almost, Master.//
//Thank the Force ...//
The young Jedi smiled.
In the meantime his Master suffered in silence, putting up with the Sith playing with his hair, and trying to stroke his cheek, thanking the Force his stomach had settled and hoped the effect wore off Maul soon.
"We're almost there," Obi-Wan said cheerily.
//You said that half an hour ago ...// Qui-Gon complained.
"So soon?" Maul pouted.
Obi-Wan tried not to laugh.
//Ohh you're a great help,// Qui-Gon sulked.
//Can you blame me?//
//I'd like to see how you cope with him all over you.//
//And you'd torture me without mercy, wouldn't you, Master?//
Qui-Gon chuckled.
//And he's not all over you.//
//Not *yet*//
Obi-Wan laughed.
"What's so funny?" Maul demanded, gently toying with Qui-Gon's hair.
"Nothing ... Nothing ..." Obi-Wan tried not to smile.
//I think I like him better this way, Master.//
//That's easy for *you* to say ...//
Maul reached up, gently pulling Qui-Gon's tie from his hair, his ungloved hand sliding around Qui-Gon's neck, into the Jedi Master's tunic. Qui-Gon took a hold of it and pulled it out.
"I'm sorry ..." Maul whispered. "Not ready for that yet?..."
Qui-Gon whimpered.
//You poor bastard...// Obi-Wan said.
//You should talk!//
The smiling young Padawan drove on.
"You hate me ..." Maul sulked softly.
"I don't ..." Qui-Gon said.
"Is it the horns?"
"No ..." Qui-Gon said, uncomfortable, knowing these feelings weren't real, though he didn't want to hurt them all the same.
A pale yellow tear rolled down the Sith's cheek.
"Don't cry," Qui-Gon said. "It's not you ..." He held Maul's hand.
"Please don't hate me ..."
"You're tired... You should rest. We can talk later."
Maul nodded sadly, too lovesick to feel Qui-Gon use the Force to make him sleepy. Maul curled up in the back and went to sleep.
Obi-Wan shook his head, stifling a laugh.
Qui-Gon gave a resigned smile and sank back into his seat.
"Are we there yet?"
The young Padawan drove on, smiling.
"And when we get back to the Council," Qui-Gon said, "we have to contact the Kalan and apologize for all this."
"Apologize?! They attacked *us*"
"It's a misunderstanding, Obi-Wan and hardly their fault. They were wise not to trust the Sith."
"You get no argument from me there, Master, though they can trust us."
"They don't know that. They're a proud race, and we must honor that."
"Yes, Master ... I wish I had your insight."
Qui-Gon smiled. "That's why you're learning, My young Padawan."
Maul began to wake.
Qui-Gon looked at him. "We're here," he said softly. "Glad to see you're awake."
"I don't remember falling asleep," Maul said. He seemed somewhat embarrassed. "You seem to have recovered."
"Mostly."
Obi-Wan stifled a smile.
"The poison made you feel drowsy," Qui-Gon lied. "But you're all right now, I promise." The Jedi Master smiled.
"Fine. Stop patronising me. You're not my fucking mother."
Qui-Gon's smile grew. "My pleasure."
Maul scowled. "I seem to remember..."
"*Nothing* happened," Qui-Gon emphasised.
"I do not believe you, Jedi," Maul hissed, sensing something amiss. He scrutinised the two Jedi, particularly Qui-Gon, and his eyes widened. "Oh Gods ... *Ohh Gods* ... tell me I didn't..."
"You didn't ..."
After a pause Maul threw back his head and laughed, despite his embarrassment.
"Well thank the Force it wans't him." He pointed to Obi-Wan, the young Padawan making a noise of indignance.
Qui-Gon smiled. "So you don't love me anymore?" he asked, mock hurt.
"*No!*" the Sith spat.
"Thank the Force."
Maul tried to hide his smile with a scowl.
Obi-Wan turned to him. "So you don't think my Master's warm and fuzzy anymore?"
Qui-Gon almost blushed.
Maul grunted. "I only like warm and fuzzy if it's on a plate."
"You're sick," Obi-Wan said.
"Thank you."
Within minutes the young Jedi slowed when they came upon a shuttlecraft and exited the box shaped car.
"I sense no Kalan," Qui-Gon said.
"Pity," Maul said, gripping his lightsabre.
"Good thing the poison wore off, Master," his Padawan said. "I doubt Kalan craft are equipped with barf bags ... or honeymoon suites," he added with an evil smirk.
Qui-Gon and Maul glared at him.
"I'm not so sure this damned poison *has* worn off," Maul scowled.
Qui-Gon turned to him.
"Do you want the Universe at your feet and to rule by your Master's side?"
"Yes."
"Do you plan one day to kill your Master?"
Maul said nothing, keeping the answer to himself.
"Do you want to kill my Padawan and I?"
"Yes."
"You hate and want to eradicate all Jedi?"
"Yes! Your point?"
"I'd say you're pretty much back to your old charming self."
"Then why do I still think you have beautiful eyes?!" Maul hissed.
Qui-Gon jerked, then turned to the Sith. "Well ... whatever remains must be the truth ..."
Obi-Wan did his best not to break into a fit of laughter.
Maul growled, refusing to look Qui-Gon in the eye.
When in space, the Sith and Jedi parted company, going their separate ways. Maul grudgingly realised how ridiculously easy it would have been for the Jedi to kill him whilst he was under the effect of the poison, yet they didn't. Compassion was strange, but interesting, he decided. None of them had the energy for a colossal battle, but Maul made sure they knew he would kill them next time they met. And he still refused to look Qui-Gon in the eye.
"Don't worry, Master," Obi-Wan said, aboard the aft section of the spilt shuttle. "I still think you're warm and fuzzy."
Qui-Gon laughed and kissed his Padawan's forehead before they broke out into a furious, no quarter given, galactic tickle battle ...
Maul paced around his ship, a deep scowl adorning his features, still quite cranky that he wasn't able to dispose of the Jedi and tried to come up with a really good excuse for his Master.
//I'll kill that blasted Qui-Gon if I ever see him again ... I'll rip out his silky hair and I'll ... He really does have beautiful eyes ... Damn.//
*
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