Disclaimers: Saint George (Lucasfilm) crated the Star Wars Universe. Lucasfilm owned by Disney. George Lucas created the Star Wars Universe. Movies by 20th Century Fox/Disney. I make no Republic Datari {Credits}, Peggats, Truguts, Wupiupi, etc from my fanfic/fanart/fanfunnies. Story written purely for enjoyment and the only profit I make is the happiness my writing brings. The Force is With You Always :)
Summary: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are captured by the Sith.
... Apologies to lovers of Panache {My old school counselor used to wear this godawful stuff :) }
An AU Story ~ Rating - M - Slash implication
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PANACHE
"Any lasts requests before you die, Jedi?" Darth Sidious asked, his voice calm, although he put more emphasis on the second last word as he regarded the two disarmed Jedi Knights before him, his apprentice looking equally sardonic.
The younger Jedi remained stubbornly silent, his cobalt eyes burning into the Sith Master, teeth clenched tight, jaw rigid.
The Sith Lord turned to the Padawan's Master. "And you?"
Obi-Wan expected his Master to react in a similar fashion.
"Oh ... I have a few, actually."
The younger Jedi stared at his Master, even facing death, the older Jedi never ceased to amaze him.
"A few," Sidious repeated, deadpan.
"Well, if it's not too much trouble, that is," the Jedi said, casual as he paced. "First I'd like a bath, traditional - warm water - with bubbles. I would hate to be executed smelling like a rancid Rancor "
Obi-Wan stared at his Master
Secondly I'd like a pomegranate ... a large one ... if you haven't got one they're easy to synthesize ... And lastly a full carton of Bantha milk - Ewok if you're out."
Despite himself and his burning rage, Darth Maul almost couldn't hold back a smile at the Jedi Master's strange requests.
Qui-Gon tuned to his apprentice. "Are you sure you don't want anything, Padawan?"
Obi-Wan had to smile at his Master's casual tone, then turned to Darth Sidious. "Oh ... Why not ... Uh.. a muja fruit, if you don't mind ... and our lightsabres?"
"If it's all too much," Qui-Gon said. "I really *must* insist on the bath ... Please don't make me beg."
Maul smiled. "That could prove amusing, Jedi." He spat out the last word.
"I'll grant your request," Sidious said after a moment's pause.
"Thank you," Qui-Gon said. "Which one?"
"All of them ... Bar the lightsabres."
Qui-Gon smiled. "You're too kind."
//Master, they're up to something...// Maul mind-said.
//Patience, my young apprentice ... Get the things they want. I doubt they plan to kill us spitting muja and pomegranate seeds.//
Maul half smiled as he stomped off, what the hell did the Jedi think? That this was some intergalactic Woolworths?
The Sith apprentice returned with the fruit and milk.
"I assure you, they're not poisoned," Sidious said.
Qui-Gon nodded, taking his pomegranate, milk, Obi-Wan taking his muja.
"If you will follow me to the bath chambers," Sidious said.
//Master,// Obi-Wan mind-said //what in Hades are you doing? They're going to kill us and you want a bath?//
Qui-Gon smiled. //You could do with one too, actually.//
//Master!...//
//Ssh.//
Obi-Wan silenced his thoughts, though wondered if his Master, this time was really losing it. There seemed to be no way out of their current predicament and this wasn't exactly his idea of a escape plan. Maybe Qui-Gon had something planned, but a bubblebath, a pomegranate, a carton of milk and a muja weren't exactly the tools he'd choose for a jailbreak.
"Come, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, taking his apprentice into the bath chambers. "It's your last chance for a real bath."
"A sonic shower would be much quicker, Master."
"Exactly. Let us savour it."
//So Qui-Gon is trying to postpone his death,// Maul thought with disdain. //Coward.//
The Jedi Master heard his thoughts and ignored him, wondering if Maul knew exactly how transparent his thoughts were as he lead his Padawan into the Bath Chambers.
"Take as long as you like," Sidious said, ignoring his apprentice's scowl as he indicated soap, shampoo and a black candle.
"Thank you," Qui-Gon said pleasantly.
Obi-Wan held his tongue as his Master closed the sliding door.
//Master ...//
Qui-Gon simply smiled as he undressed, placed his clothes in the cleansing unit and started to run the bath, leisurely picking out his pomegranate seeds and placing them into a glass bowl, in a meditative state. He said nothing as he did so, further frustrating his Padawan.
Obi-Wan wanted to believe his Master had a plan, but what? ... And why had he been so particular about the bath? He'd even assisted his 'request' with a subtle dose of the Force. The silence in the bathroom irritated him.
Qui-Gon finally placed his bowl of transparent red crystal pomegranate seeds on the side of the bath.
"No bubblebath ... no bath foam ... no shower gel ..." he complained. "The Sith really are evil ..."
Obi-Wan was fast losing his patience.
"Ah ... this'll work." Qui-Gon picked up the shampoo bottle and squeezed some of its dark contents into the water and agitated it furiously.
//He is planning something. He has to be planning something...// Obi-Wan told himself as his Master lit the candle, settled into the water and signed.
"Ohh ... this feels soooo good .... Obi-Wan you don't know how long it's been since..."
"Master! They're going to kill us!! ... " He lowered his voice. "Please tell me this is all part of-"
"Get in Obi-Wan, the water's fine."
"Master ..."
"Please?"
Obi-Wan could never resist those baby Ewok eyes ... Maybe he truly had lost it and the younger Jedi sighed.
"All right, Master ... but we have to do something..."
"Ssh..." Qui-Gon quietened as Obi-Wan undressed, quickly, also placing his clothes in the washer, joined his Master in the warm waters and couldn't stop himself from smiling.
"You're right ..." He admitted with some reluctance. "It is rather ... relaxing."
Qui-Gon shook his head as he picked up the soap. "Black soap..." He "Do the Sith have anything that isn't black?"
"I bet Sidious wears pink frilly underpants Maul sleeps with a fluffy teddy bear."
Qui-Gon laughed. "Glad you're not mad anymore."
Obi-Wan regained his serious composure. "Master, we must..."
"Ssh," Qui-Gon whispered again.
Obi-Wan sighed inwardly, again curbing his irritation as his Master began to wash himself, then began to lather his Padawan's back. Despite his discomfort, and troubled mind, Obi-Wan relaxed.
The door slid open. Impatient, Maul peered into the bathroom, then stared at the two Jedi.
"Uh...um ... this ... this is not what it looks like ..." Obi-Wan said, emphatically.
"Yes it is ..." Qui-Gon said, his voice quiet as he turned and pressed his lips to his Padawan's and kissed gently, but with passion. He heard the door slide closed in a hurry.
"What are they doing?" Sidious asked, curious.
"You do not want to know."
The older Sith's eyes widened, then he smirked and chuckled. "So that is why they wanted some time alone."
"Disgusting," Maul spat.
Both Jedi parted, Obi-Wan not quite sure how he felt, then he laughed, joined by his Master.
"Did you see the look on his face..."
Qui-Gon nodded and chuckled as he handed Obi-Wan his yellow-orange muja fruit. Despite his misgivings about the situation, Obi-Wan ate his favorite fruit and shared some with his Master as Qui-Gon offered some sweet, tart pomegranate seeds, until the bowl was empty. The Jedi Master picked up the carton of milk, opened it and drank some, again sharing with his Padawan.
"Yoda always roused me when I drank from the carton... Even though I was the only one who drank Bantha milk."
Obi-Wan chuckled as Qui-Gon poured the rest of the milk into the bath. "I've always wanted a milk bath," he confessed.
"Glad to oblige," Qui-Gon said with a smile, throwing away the carton, stirring the milk in the bath. "Apparently young Queen Amidala of Naboo adores milk baths."
"She does?"
"So I've heard."
The older Jedi began to use the remaining contents of the shampoo bottle to lather his Padawan's, then his own hair. Obi-Wan took out his Master's hair tail tie and washed his thick, long hair while his Master gently washed his.
Soon, both were clean and stood. Qui-Gon pouted.
"Seems a shame to get out..." He stepped into the auto-dry.
"Master, if they sense it, they'll know we've finished."
"I've taken care of that. Dry," he commanded. "But leave the hair 10 percent wet ..." he smiled. "I look sexier that way." He expertly tied his hair, not a strand out of place.
"Master ..." Obi-Wan could not believe Qui-Gon's joviality in the face of death. Did he not wish to acknowledge that they were both about to be executed? Unarmed, they could not fight two Sith Lords for long. Obi-Wan sensed no fear, but was his Master hiding fear so deep that he couldn't sense it?
Qui-Gon took the clothing from the wash unit. Both Jedi donned their dry, warm garments. The Jedi Master opened the bathroom cupboard and peered in. Obi-Wan was becoming impatient, not to mention worried, but also a tad curious.
"Ah ... Qui-Gon said. "Here it is ..."
He covered his hand with a dry cloth took and out a dark blue bottle, carefully unscrewed it and sniffed and his face twisted.
"This is definitely the stuff."
"Master! ..."
"Smell." Qui-Gon held the bottle to his nose.
//Force, he really has lost it ...// To humor his Master, Obi-Wan sniffed, then looked at Qui-Gon, his expression becoming serious. "That's the same awful stuff Chancellor Palpatine wears."
"Exactly ... Don't touch the bottle, we have to analyze it for fingerprints." He placed it into a sachet on his belt. Qui-Gon looked up and used the Force to open the air duct in the ceiling of the bathroom. "Don't worry, I sensed where they've stashed our lightsabres."
Obi-Wan smiled as he and his Master leapt into the ceiling and began to crawl silently along the air ducts to their transport.
"They've been in there an awfully long time," Maul hissed, irritated.
"It takes a while to peel a pomegranate," Sidious said, then looked at his apprentice and smirked, despite himself impressed that Qui-Gon Jinn's libido was still going strong at 65.
His Master's patience annoyed the Sith apprentice more as he went to check on the Jedi. He sensed nothing when the door opened ... and heard nothing. He shivered as he looked around, the bath was devoid of life forms, the last remnants of the bubbles floating on the surface of the now lukewarm water, the candlelight flickering in the room. Maul cursed as he almost slipped on the wet floor, almost tripping on the empty shampoo bottle, milk carton and remains of the fruit and wondered if the Jedi were this messy in their own bathrooms. He realised there was only one way they could have escaped and looked up, growling and cursing, but not without respect to the Jedi Master. Qui-Gon wans't postponing his death - and Maul realised with a grunt he was not making final love to his Padawan either - he had never intended to die, however this did not stop the Sith's rage as he grabbed a bottle of deodorant, throwing it at the candle, the bottle smashing open, the flame engulfing half the room. Maul shielded his face with his black robe, and stamping out the flame, the candle now a melted mess of black goo, the flame dead. Maul cursed his foolishness and hoped his Master did not admonish him for it. looked into the cupboard, realising it had been open when he had entered. At first he thought it was somewhat presumptuous of the Jedi, but upon closer inspection, he realised one item was missing. He could sense his Master approaching and it did nothing to improve his already anxious mood.
"They escaped."
Maul nodded, fearing his Master would punish him, but Sidious, furious, realised he couldn't, even he hadn't sensed the Jedi's ploy.
"And there's something else, Master ... They've taken a bottle of your ..." Maul indicated his spot where it had been.
Sidious stared, his face becoming paler then usual.
"We have to leave. Now."
"Can they apprehend you from a bottle of your-"
"Fingerprints ... They've no doubt realised that's the same scent they've recognised on the Chancellor."
"I told you that stuff would kill you," Maul said dryly.
Sidious glared at his apprentice, but rage and punishment would have to wait. "Not now..." he snapped. "Gather your essentials and head for the ship. There's no way this station can outrun a Republic Cruiser."
Maul grunted. Moving was such a chore and he'd just settled in here.
"Be grateful," Sidious said, otherwise I'd make you clean that bathroom."
Maul scowled, unable to contain his rage. "It's your-"
Sidious glared at him. "We haven't time."
His apprentice glowered, turned in a huff as he began to stuff a bag full of things, while his Master grabbed a spare bottle of Panache.
Sidious around. "You're not taking that!" he hissed.
"You're taking your perfume," Maul countered.
Sidious stiffened. "It's not cologne, I'll have you know."
"Well you're taking your 'cologne' and I'm taking Foofee Bear!" Maul affectionately ruffled the fluffy pink bear as he shoved her into his black duffle bag. Panache, indeed ... Maul hugged his teddy.
His Master sighed. Sometimes even Darth Sidious knew when to give up.
* * *
As the two Jedi raced back to the Republic to have the bottle analyzed, Obi-Wan looked to his Master, feeling a little foolish. "You planned this all along, didn't you? You let them capture us ... to... How can you be so sure it'd work?"
"I wasn't ... But I had a back up plan ... The bath would have worked and even if we came away empty handed, at least we'd smell good."
Obi-Wan laughed. "Unless we accidentally spilled the Panache ..."
Qui-Gon roared with laughter. "Don't worry - that toxic waste is under firm lock, key and the lid's on real tight."
Obi-Wan smiled, then looked defeated. "You realise they'll have found out by now... Like us, Sith are extremely meticulous. They're probably hotfooted halfway across the galaxy by now."
Qui-Gon nodded. "I'm tracking their ship. They may shake the trace, so we must hurry."
"You think they'll be able to nail Palpatine from the forensic evidence?"
"Well you know what they say ... If the perfume fits..."
Obi-Wan chuckled. "Only a sadist would wear that stuff."
Qui-Gon smiled. "You didn't think I'd lost it back there did you?"
Obi-Wan gave an embarrassed smile. "Well ... the thought had crossed my mind."
"Sorry if I scared you, but I couldn't let them suspect anything ... I hope you didn't think it was rude of me leaving the bathroom in such a state."
Obi-Wan shook his head and smiled. "You're amazing, Master."
Qui-Gon smiled. "Thanks."
"And you do look sexy with slightly wet hair."
Both Jedi laughed.
*
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