Disclaimers: Saint George (Lucasfilm) crated the Star Wars Universe. Lucasfilm owned by Disney. George Lucas created the Star Wars Universe. Movies by 20th Century Fox/Disney. I make no Republic Datari {Credits}, Peggats, Truguts, Wupiupi, etc from my fanfic/fanart/fanfunnies. Story written purely for enjoyment and the only profit I make is the happiness my writing brings. The Force is With You Always :)
Summary: Qui-Gon decides he needs to get on with his life.
Spoilers: Jedi Apprentice books (by Jude Watson)
Author’s notes: AU - Obi-Wan is about 5 in this story and he is not yet Qui-Gon’s Padawan. Set about a year after Xanatos’ betrayal.
Rating – G ~ Self realisation
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MOVING ON
Qui-Gon Jinn sighed as he drowned his sorrows in yet another triple Sablacca. He honestly didn’t know why. He loathed the stuff. Hate lead to the Dark Side ... Well ... he felt it completely justified in this case, but for now, he found the foul black licorice flavoured liqueur strangely comforting, though he knew that comfort was only an illusion.
He stared into the ebony liquid as he swirled the glass and that’s when he realised. He’d confiscated this bottle from Xanatos over a year ago. A year to the day to be exact. Two days before Xanatos had left him for good.
Qui-Gon set the glass down, the unpalatable taste still in his mouth. He could never understand why Xanatos liked the stuff so much, but then there were a lot of things about Xanatos that he didn’t understand. Nor did he want to.
Many a time his peers had told him to ‘move on...’ It wasn’t as easy as that. How many of their Padawans had been murdered, only to have their second turn to the Dark Side?
Qui-Gon had often wished that Xanatos had been the one killed in place of Atlantia, his first Padawan. Absent mindedly, he finished his Sablacca, lost in his own thoughts yet again. He had blamed himself for her death. She insisted on coming on the mission and against his better judgment, Qui-Gon had agreed and Atlantia had paid the price. She had not been quick enough to dodge the blast and he had not been quick enough to defend her an he had blamed himself ever since, despite his friends best comforts.
And now he sat alone in his rather large quarters in the Jedi Temple, dreading the task ahead of him. Moving.
The Jedi Council dreaded it too, for it was well known that Qui-Gon Jinn did not travel light. Mace Windu had jokingly said that he had more stuff than the entire population of Malastare. Qui-Gon had not been impressed, however he said nothing.
How could he simply throw away his past?
He didn’t expect anyone to help him, and so he began the daunting task alone. The last time he moved five moving barges were needed and he surmised it would be more this time. He was not looking forward to the task, but felt it had to be done. He had to move away from the Temple, there were too many memories here. Ones he would rather forget.
And then it dawned on him. What was he taking with? He looked around him. Xanatos’ lightsabres, his actual one and his training one. Atlantia’s lightsabres.
And he looked in the two rooms. Xanatos’ stuff. Clothes, books, trinkets.
Atlantia’s stuff. Clothes, books, trinkets.
And a mound of his own stuff.
And he realised. He was taking with what he wanted to leave behind. Something snapped inside him, a new awakening. He did not need any of this stuff. As much as he loved both his Padawans, despite Xanatos’ betrayal, he did not need mounds of their stuff, to remind him of their painful memories. Though fonder he was of Atlantia.
And Qui-Gon sighed. Moving would have to wait for the time being, until he sorted out this mess. He realised he could not move on until he did. Carting half the Universe with him wasn’t moving. He couldn’t move forward when this enormous proverbial ball and chain held him back.
And he sighed. And sighed again. This would take some time.
* * *
Qui-Gon sat alone for a while, half meditating, half reminiscing, smiling wistfully at Atlantia’s first attempt to make a lightsabre, and her resolve until she succeeded, and her devotion to him, sticking up for him, rather liberally once when he was brought before the Council.
But when he reminisced about Xanatos, his memories were not so pleasant. Thinking back, Qui-Gon realised how his second Padawan had wrapped him around his little finger. The Jedi Master sighed as he realised nothing he could have done would have mellowed Xanatos. To some beings in the Universe, the call of greed and power was too strong, they yearned for it, craved it and nothing cold persuade them otherwise.
The Jedi Master meditated for a long while, letting old and negative energies flow away, before he stood, showered and began the task ahead of him.
He dearly loved Atlantia, but decided her clothes and belongings would benefit others and arranged to give them to charities.
"Master Qui-Gon?"
The Jedi Master, so lost in thought almost jumped, then looked down.
"Hello Obi-Wan."
The young Padawan gave a shy smile before he spoke. "I... was wondering if you needed any help ... with moving ... I’d like to help you, if you need ... help."
Qui-Gon smiled, touched, someone actually wanted to help him, and didn’t have the old //Qui-Gon’s moving with the whole Universe again. Ho Hum...// attitude.
None of the other Jedi seemed to understand his inner turmoil and pain, He had needed time to heal. He was not just some droid that could be fixed and away he goes. Yaddle did seem to understand, but she also understood it was Qui-Gon’s learning.
"Thank you, Obi-Wan, but only if you want to."
"I do, Master Qui-Gon, but I don’t want to be a bother."
"You could never be a bother, Obi-Wan."
The young Jedi smiled.
"Recruiting unsuspecting Padawans to do your dirty work, Jinn?" Mace asked, with a smile, coming around the corner.
"He offered," Qui said mock defensively. "Tell him, Obi-Wan."
"Yes, Master Windu. Master Qui-Gon forced me to come of my own free will."
Windu smiled. "Well I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into."
Qui-Gon was glad Mace did not ask him to just ‘move on’ like most had. He had learned that the long haired Jedi would do that when he was ready. What he didn’t realise was Qui-Gon was ready now.
The Jedi Master sighed inwardly at the task ahead of him, but he knew, both externally and internally it had to be done and no one could do it but himself, though he was grateful for the young Jedi’s offer to help and hoped he stayed a while. He hadn’t wanted company, but somehow, the small boy's presence made this easier for him. Perhaps he needed someone to talk to.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you, Obi-Wan, but I’m not moving, not just yet."
The young Padawan gave a quizzical look.
"I need to sort out all this first ..."
Obi-Wan looked at stuff strewn all over Qui-Gon’s quarters.
"I need to let it all go," the Jedi Master said quietly, not knowing if he said it more to Obi-Wan or himself.
"Are you sure, Master? I sense this means a lot to you."
Qui-Gon smiled warmly. "I have my memories, Obi-Wan. I realise now, I don't need to take the whole Universe wherever I go.’ Qui-Gon paused before he spoke. "It took me years to come to terms with Atlantia’s death and Xanatos’ betrayal ..."
Obi-Wan took his hand. "Thank you for confiding in me, Master Qui-Gon, but if you’d rather do this alone..."
Again, the Jedi Master smiled. "You will become a great Jedi, Obi-Wan, and I’m glad you’re here."
"Thank you, Master."
* * *
Obi-Wan helped Qui-Gon fold Atlantia’s clothes and pack her belongings. Qui-Gon held up a large red Ewok toy and smiled.
"She wouldn’t sleep without this. She got cranky with me when we had to leave ‘Asha’ behind on a mission. She didn’t say anything, but I sensed it."
Obi-Wan smiled. "She forgave you, right?"
"I hope so. She ..."
"I’m sorry, Master, I didn’t mean-"
Qui-Gon smiled. "It’s all right, obi-Wan" He gently ruffled the Ewok.
"Are you sure you don’t want to keep her?"
"No, I’ll send her to the orphanage, and hope he brings another child the same joy he brought Atlantia."
Obi-Wan didn’t fail to notice a tear escape as Qui-Gon gently packed ‘Asha’ with Atlantia’s belongings.
It didn’t take as long to sort through Atlantia’s things as Qui-Gon had thought, an somewhat less painful than he’d feared, and he realised, holding on was more painful than letting go, and having Obi-Wan to confide in made it easier.
The young Jedi helped Qui-Gon seal the last of the boxes containing Atlantia’s things.
* * *
Qui-Gon sighed, going through Xanatos’ things would be more painful, not in the sense that he would miss them, quite the contrary.
Obi-Wan took his hand. "I don’t understand how Xanatos could have done that to you, Master."
"Neither do I, Obi-Wan ... Come on, lets sort out this mess."
The two Jedi performed a clearing ritual and meditation to rid the garments and trinkets of negative energies, and not surprisingly, there was quite a lot. Obi-Wan could almost see the black mist that arose, leaving Xanatos’ belongings.
The two Jedi began folding clothes and packing trinkets.
"If you don’t mind me saying, Master, Xanatos had ... weird tastes."
Qui-Gon smiled. "Twisted, I’d say."
Obi-Wan nodded in agreement.
"But he’s gone to follow his path and I must follow mine. I can’t hang on anymore."
Qui-Gon opened yet another box of trinkets, clothes and other bits and pieces.
"Never knew he was such a hoarder ... But then I should talk."
The two Jedi laughed, as they began to sort out yet more things and he found Xanatos’ two lightsabres, his training one, and his actual one.
"Put these with Atlantia’s," he said. "I’ll give them to the Council. They may be able to use them in training and lightsabre construction."
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan did as he was asked and when he returned, Qui-Gon had unearthed yet another box.
"Holos Xanatos set me," he said. "He always sent me holos when he went away. He turned one on.
A picture of a countryside of some planet appeared and Xanatos voice sounded over the speaker. ‘Master, should be returning in a week. Lovely scenery. Miss you, Xan.’
Qui-Gon closed his hand around the holo so hard, his fingers dug into it.
"How could I not have seen ... That message ... all of them are so fake ... I ..." He shook his head.
"Master Qui-Gon ..." Obi-Wan ventured cautiously, "perhaps you didn’t want to see ... Perhaps you wanted so much to believe in him, that ..."
Qui-Gon looked at the young child, with tears in his eyes and he nodded. "Yes," he said. "But I should have seen, I-"
"Master, even Jedi Masters make mistakes ... and one never stops learning."
Qui-Gon smiled warmly and placed his arms around the young Padawan.
"You will be a Jedi Master, Obi-Wan, a better one than I."
Obi-Wan smiled, and shook his head. "I doubt that, Master Qui-Gon. I’ll never be like you."
"Of course not, everyone is different, Obi-Wan, but you are wise beyond your years."
"Thank you, Master Qui-Gon."
"My pleasure, Master Kenobi."
Obi-Wan smiled.
"Now," Qui-Gon said. "Lets get rid of these."
He and Obi-Wan began discarding the holos into the recycler. 57 Qui-Gon counted.
"I can’t believe I’ve got so much junk."
"Well you now what they say, Master. Moving’s like a holiday."
Qui-Gon chuckled. "What? A holiday? What’s that? .... Haven’t had one of those in a while either ... "
Obi-Wan helped Qui-Gon seal the boxes of Atlantia’s and Xanatos things and he counted. Thirty large boxes.
Qui-Gon shook his head. "How could I have kept all this ..."
"You needed to, for a while," Obi-Wan said. "And now it’s time to let it all go."
Gently Qui-Gon ruffled Obi-Wan’s hair.
"And it’s also time for me to sort out my own things ..."
And so they began. Qui-Gon didn’t have as many things or clothes as his Padawans, but still, he needed to clean out his closet.
He discarded copies letters he’d written, some journals, old uniforms and found a large box of things from his childhood and smiled wistfully as he took out his first Jedi Uniform.
"Are you sure you want to give that away?"
"If I want to fit into it gain, I’ll need to go on a diet."
Obi-Wan chuckled.
"There are other Padawans who will fit into these clothes."
He sorted out some toys and took out a torn, thick woolen jumper.
"My mother made this," he said.
"Master, I know you’re sorting out stuff, but are you sure you want to-"
"Yes, Obi-Wan, I’m sure. I never knew my mother, but I sense her love and kindness, and I also have this." He showed the young Padawan a green crystal, embedded in a platinum charm. "She gave this to me before she died."
Obi-Wan held it gently I his hand. "It’s beautiful, Master."
Qui-Gon smiled, as he picked up the old jumper and placed it into the recycler, but not without remorse. "Recycling gives back to the Universe," he said. "And when one lets something go, the Universe always gives back."
Obi-Wan smiled. "I shall remember that always, Master Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon packed a few things, a spare uniform, his lightsabre, a journal, some incense and crystals, and a wooden carving of a beautiful tree.
"A gift," he said.
"Jedi aren’t supposed to accept gifts, Master," Obi-Wan said with a smile.
Qui-Gon smiled back. "It was made by a seven your old girl, many years ago. She’d be in her twenties now. Back then I saved her village and she made this for me."
"It’s lovely, Master ... You care so much."
Qui-Gon smiled as he gently wrapped up the tree in a robe he had packed and placed all his things in a beautifully crafted, engraved Endorian Dark Wood chest.
The Jedi Master and Padawan stood.
"I think that’s everything," Qui-Gon said. "Oh ... how could I forget you ...." He walked into his kitchen and retrieved a glowing white miniature tree. Gently he stroked her leaves.
Obi-Wan smiled. "You wouldn’t have forgotten her, Master."
"It’s all right, Angella," he said. "We’re moving, that’s all."
Obi-Wan smiled. Gently, he placed the Angel tree on top of the wood cabinet and stood.
"Oh ... I forgot about you too." He picked up a prickly black plant. "Xanatos’ cactus."
"Did he name it?"
"Not that I know of ... " Qui-Gon prepared to throw it in the recycle bin. "Ohh, I can’t do it ... Okay ... I’ll plant you in the gardens ..."
Obi-Wan smiled. "You’re too kind, Master."
"So they keep telling me."
Qui-Gon dug a hole, and gently transferred the cactus to the Garden grounds, near some other similar plants.
"Don’t worry," Qui-Gon said. "I won’t hold Xanatos against you ... And you have new some friends here."
Obi-Wan smiled as they returned to Qui-Gon’s quarters.
* * *
Qui-Gon watched as the space removalists removed nearly thirty large boxes of stuff from his quarters and he was glad to see it go, despite his love for Atlantia, he had to move on, and as for Xanatos, there was nothing Qui-Gon could do to pacify him.
"We must do a space clearing, Obi-Wan, much old energy still exists in this place and afterward, we must both shower and wash our attire."
"Yes, Master."
Obi-Wan lit some incense as the two Jedi began to do the space clearing mediation, clearing all old, stale and negative energies from the quarters, for the next inhabitants.
Qui-Gon continued to meditate as Obi-Wan showered, washing his clothes in the wash cycler.
* * *
Now both fresh, dry and clean, Qui-Gon said a silent goodbye to the place that had been his home for the past twenty years.
"Anyone home?"
Qui-Gon turned to see Mace.
"Change of heart, Qui," he said. "I’ve come to help you pack and move."
Qui-Gon smiled. "Thanks, Mace." He picked up "Angella" and pointed to the chest. "That’s’ all."
"What?"
"That’s all I’m taking."
Mace gave a quizzical look.
"Obi-Wan and I sorted a few things out."
Mace stared.
"Well come on," Qui-Gon said. "Haven’t got all day." And he smiled.
Mace shook his head and smiled. "Jinn, you never cease to amaze me."
"My pleasure."
And he helped Qui-Gon move to a slightly smaller quarters, up a few levels.
* * *
Qui-Gon placed Angella in the kitchen, and his lovely wooden tree in his bedroom.
Obi-Wan helped him unpack the few things he had brought.
Qui-Gon flopped onto his bed and sighed happily. "It feels as though a great weight has been lifted ...A though the balls and chains have been cut away."
"They have, Master."
"Thank you, Obi-Wan."
"Master, I just helped. You made the decision."
"I did, but you made it easier, and gave me that little push I needed."
Obi-Wan placed his arms around the Jedi Master. "My pleasure."
Qui-Gon gently returned the embrace, silently thanking the Force and the Universe for what he had learned in the past few days.
"Thank you, my young Padawan."
Obi-Wan stared up at him. "Master ..."
"That is if you will have me."
"Ohh, Master ... of course I will! ... But are you sure ..."
"I have never been so sure, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan smiled, then looked serious. "On one condition, Master."
"And what is that?"
"If I die ... Promise me you won’t keep my stuff for 10 years."
"Obi-Wan!"
Both Jedi laughed, before sharing an embrace.
* * *
The next day, Qui-Gon received a holo in the mail and turned it on.
‘Master’ the voice said. ‘Heard you gave my old lightsabre to a museum and about all that stuff you gave to charity ... I bet that was mine You know I might have wanted some of that back ... You certainly kept it long enough. You could have at least kept ‘Silver Prickle’ ... That’s my cactus by the way. Bet you threw him out. Bastard. So much for your so called gentle nature ... Why the hell did I start this with ‘Master’ you’re not my fucking Master... You never were. So sorry I didn’t turn out to be the peace loving, meditating Jedi you wanted me to be. Love Xanatos’
Obi-Wan could barely contain his anger.
He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Anger leads to the Dark Side, Obi-Wan. And that’s exactly what Xanatos wants."
"You’re going to throw that in the recycler, right? Right now."
"No, I’m not."
"Master, you’re *not* keeping it. Not even as a final memento."
Qui-Gon smiled at Obi-Wan’s firmness. "No, I’m not."
The Jedi Master erased the message on the holo and recorded a new one. "Xanatos, I have decided to get on with my life and I suggest you do that same with yours. You desired greed and power over peace, love and life, that is your choice. And Silver Prickle is safe in the Temple Gardens. May The Force Be With You - Qui-Gon."
And he placed it in the Intergalactic Post.
"That’s a bit politer than I would have worded it," Obi-Wan said with a smile.
Qui-Gon smiled. "You’ll learn, Obi-Wan. I did."
Obi-Wan placed his arms around his Master.
* * *
Somewhere else in the Universe, a black gloved hand crushed the holo in his hand and threw the bits at the far wall. He’d failed to bait his former Master, but some part of him was glad ‘Silver Prickle’ was safe, and he roared with laughter. Qui-Gon really was as kind as he was fabled to be, and Xanatos wondered why, the Universe was full of corruption, why did his former Master care so much? Xanatos sat back in his chair, perhaps someday he would understand, perhaps he never would, but as Qui-Gon had said, he had chosen his path.
* * *
Obi-Wan was thrilled to have a room of his own, happy for his new Master’s newfound freedom, as he slept a peaceful sleep without having to put up with anyone else’s breathing keeping him awake. Not hat he disliked his peers, it was nice to have a room all one’s own.
Qui-Gon meditated for a long while, with mixed tears, again, silently thanking the Universe to feel so light and free.
"I’m glad you were finally able to let go, Master."
Qui-Gon opened his eyes. "Atlantia..."
The spirit form smiled and placed her hand on his. More tears flowed.
"Master I will never forget the lessons you taught me. My body may have died on that mission, but ones spirit can never die."
Qui-Gon sighed. "I know ... Does that make me a hypocrite?"
Atlantia smiled. "Of course not ... Your love knows no bounds, Qui-Gon Jinn, even with Xanatos, you still hope for him."
The Jedi Master smiled. "Thank you, Atlantia."
She smiled. "I must leave you mow, Master. Please do not blame yourself for my death. This is the way it was meant to be. My spirit was required elsewhere. I am sorry it caused you so much pain ... And I’m glad you found Asha a loving home again."
Qui-Gon smiled and gently held her warm spirit hands. "Thank you ..."
"My pleasure, Qui-Gon. May The Force Be With You."
"And Also With You."
The spirit smiled gently as she shimmered and disappeared, leaving Qui-Gon enlightened and eternally grateful, as he closed his eyes and continued to meditate by his warm flame, before blowing out the candle, standing and heading to his soft warm bed, for the most peaceful and gentle night’s sleep he had had in a long time.
* * *
Qui-Gon Jinn would move more than once again in his lifetime, though it would not be such a horrendous ordeal, as he knew now more than ever that the Spirit, love, the Universe and the Force were all he really needed and it was well known that Qui-Gon Jinn traveled light.
*
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