Disclaimers: Star Trek was created by Gene Roddenberry and is owned by Paramount Pictures.
I make no monetary profits from my fanfic.
Summary: An hilarious TNG parody, thanks to a challenge in a writing class I once had ...
Drawings at end of story all done by the talented Julie Evans, who read this story and said, and I quote. "Hail to Thee, Queen of Parody!" ;)
BAAAAAAAR TREK: D-GENERATION
Over The Limit
Captain Jean-Luc Bacardi tugged down his uniform top, before it leapt up, exposing his chest.
"CAPTAIN!" yelled Burp, the Kahlua Security Chief. "DETECTING AN UNCHARTED PLANET!"
Bacardi winced as he almost went deaf. "LIEUTENANT! This is not 'Married With Children!' Please lower your volume."
Bacardi rolled his eyes and turned to his Second Officer.
"Lieutenant Commander Daiquiri, where is the planet located?"
"In the B52 star system, sir," the android stated instantly.
"Set co-ordinates. Warp 6."
"Sir, the speed limit is half impulse."
"Half impulse then," grumbled Bacardi, glaring at the gooide-gooide android, wishing he was aboard his old ship, the Starguzzler.
The Surprise-D shot off into Warp.
"Mr. Daiquiri, how long will it take to arrive -"
"Four hours, three minutes, ten seconds, three hundred and fifty nano seconds, four hundred and thirty ..." And he babbled on like that until they arrived.
"Ah" he said, Sherlock Holmes style. "We are here."
Phew. Bacardi thought. Any longer and I'd've used his head as a paperweight!
"Ensign Whiskey, standard parking orbit."
Whiskey was about to park the Surprise. The stars began moving into an organised pattern which read 'No Parking.'
"Ensign, just park the damn ship."
Whiskey pulled up the gear. The Surprise screeched and lurched throwing everyone off balance.
"Whiskey!" yelled Bacardi, picking himself off the floor.
"I'm sorry, sir" apologised the acne covered Ensign, "I'm still on my L's."
Bacardi tugged down his uniform and walked toward the forward stations. "Daiquiri, scan the planet."
Daiquiri's fingers flew over the OOPS console, leaving gold fingerprints.
Daiquiri said nothing.
"Report" Bacardi repeated.
Daiquiri maintained his silence.
Bacardi walked in front of him. "Mr. Daiquiri, Report!"
Daiquiri looked at the captain apologetically with that hurt puppy dog look.
"Don't look at me like that," Bacardi said, closing his eyes, so he wouldn't be swayed by his android officer. "Obey my order."
At Daiquiri's continued silence, Ensign Whiskey spoke up.
"Captain, I believe he is obeying your order."
"No he isn't. I ordered him to give me the repo-"
"No, Sir, you told him to shut up."
Bacardi sighed. "Just give me the damned report, Daiquiri."
"Yes, Sir!" he said, eagerly.
"And keep it to less than 10 words."
Daiquiri sighed, clearly disappointed. "It is a class M&M planet with breathable atmosphere."
At that point, Whiskey stood. "May I be excused from the Bridge, sir? The head of mother nature is calling."
Bacardi rolled his eyes. God only knows why I made him an officer ... BarFleet Academy, take him back PLEASE!!!!
"You may go" he said, "and while you're at it, replicate some Clearasil for those other heads of yours."
An embarrassed Whiskey ran up the ramp.
"No running on my bridge!"
Whiskey walked into the turbolift. Of course he had no need for relief. He had promised to meet his girlfriend, Fluffy Duck in Ten-Backward.
"Are there any life signs on the planet?" Bacardi asked.
"I am detecting no life signs, apart from vegetation,"
"Are you sure?"
Daiquiri looked at him. "Are you sure you do not require a toupee?"
"Daiquiri!" exclaimed Bacardi, shocked.
"Did I offend you, sir? ... I am sorry." Daiquiri looked apologetic. "I was attempting to be sarcastic."
"Well, don't - and I'll have you know I don't need a toupee!" Bacardi stroked his bald head. "Only vegetation..." he repeated to himself.
Counsellor Tia Maria lurched forward and Commander Vodka caught her. "Tia... Are you okay?"
She took a moment to compose herself. "I'm sensing life down there ... Someone is trapped ... Pain ... such pain..." She fell to her knees, gasping and snorting, feeling the intense pain of whoever or whatever was down there.
Bacardi turned to his First Officer, William T. Vodka.
"Numero Uno, prepare a Going Away Team and fax down immediately."
"Yessir. Daiquiri, Burp, you're with me and we'll need you, Counsellor, to locate the being down there."
She nodded, still feeling somewhat dazed, seeing itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dots before her eyes.
Vodka taped his mobile. "Dr. Pineapple Crush, Commander Midouri La Forge, report to facsimile Room three for Going Away Team duty."
Vodka, Daiquiri, Tia Maria and Burp met Midouri and Dr. Crush there. Midouri bumped into the Fax machine.
"Damn. Got the wrong VISOR." He felt his head and he had his Hard Rock Cafe, Risa sun visor.
"Six to fax down," Commander Vodka said.
Facsimile Chief, Miles O'Brandy smiled, a master of the Fax.
"Energize" said Vodka.
"Oi!" added Daiquiri, before they disappeared in the effects of the Fax.
The planet was much like Earth, before the Television age took over. Carpeted by grass, trees hills, and rivers and so on.
"I've never seen anything like it before," Pineapple remarked.
Vodka began to wonder if the person Tia Maria sensed wasn't Anne of Green Gables. "Counsellor?"
"I'm sensing life in this direction."
Vodka nodded to the rest of the team and they headed north.
Captain Jean-Luc Bacardi paced around the bridge, wearing out Paramount's new carpet. "They've been gone for over an hour..." He tapped his mobile. "Bacardi to Gone Away Team. Report."
"Gone Away Team. Come in!"
Still no reply.
"O'Brandy, can you get a fix on them?"
"No, sir. In fact, I can't detect anyone down there."
The blood rushed to Bacardi's head. They can't be dead ... Maybe they've been captured by Rumulans or some other hostile race.
The Fax machine wouldn't work, because the pattern buffer had jammed again. Bacardi took the shuttle Galliano and landed on the planet's lush green surface. He looked around, but could see no one, took out his Breathalyser and began scanning. He got some strange readings in a northerly direction, and followed them. He stopped when he came to a large old tree. One of the pods burst, sending large seeds onto his head.
"Ouch!" exclaimed Bacardi, then softer, "maybe I do need a toupee ..."
The Breathalyser bleeped, diverting his attention. The readings were getting stronger the more he headed north. They lead over the hills and far away. The grassy ground stretched on forever. Bacardi continued walking. The Breathalyser suddenly went insane. The readings were stronger than ever now - Over the limit for sure. Bacardi stopped, waved it around, took a step forward and to his surprise, the ground parted. He plummeted into the blackness below, screaming as he fell. He remembered he forgot to turn off his replikettle he used to make his earl black tea. Merde he thought. I hope the ship hasn't burnt down.
Bacardi hit bottom. Fortunately, it was soft and he was not injured. Shaken, but not stirred. Surrounded by blackness, he looked around. "Is anybody here?" he called out, then dim lights came on. Bacardi widened his eyes, as saw his Gone Away Team, standing motionless. He called out to them, but there came no replies. Only Daiquiri was able to move slowly. Bacardi moved closer to him, and spoke. His second officer tried to speak back, but Bacardi was unable to hear him.
"Whoever you are," he yelled into the blackness, "release my people now!"
There was no reply. "Who are you?!" Bacardi shouted. "Are you afraid to show yourself?"
"Hmph! Me? Afraid! ... Don't make me laugh, Picard ..." came a smug, evil voice. "... And about your people, well that depends..." An evil chuckle. A spotlight shone about ten meters away to the left of Bacardi. He spun around.
"Liqueur!" he exclaimed.
Liqueur gave his I'm up to something nasty smile.
"What have you done to them? Release them at once!"
"Now, now, Captain. You're hardly in a position to make demands. They're immobilised and will remain that way until I decide to free them and now you're here, my plan is complete."
Liqueur immobilised him with the device he was holding, and smiled. He then released Daiquiri.
"What do you intend to do with my friends?" Daiquiri demanded.
"Your friends. Oh how touching .... Well, nothing, really."
"Then let them go."
Liqueur smirked. "And why should I do that, Brother Dear? I need them."
Daiquiri frowned. "What for?"
Liqueur's smile widened. "You see, I need hostages. Make one wrong move, Little Brother, and they're all history. It's quite simple, really."
"I do not see how you can harm them," Daiquiri stated.
"Simple. I use this." Liqueur showed him his remote control. "I've paused them, you see."
Daiquiri frowned. "Paused ... But when the Captain came, I could move slightly."
"I had you on Still Advance. Well, to get back to the subject, I simply press Stop and whoever I choose, dies. I'll demonstrate."
"Relax, Daiquiri. I'm gonna use the rock over there."
Daiquiri calmed. Liqueur pressed Stop and the rock disappeared into nothingness. Daiquiri's eyes widened. He stared at his brother.
"Or I can have fun with them..." sneered Liqueur.
He pressed Fast-Forward and fired it at Burp, making him age rapidly into a very old Kahlua, then hit Rewind, firing at Midouri, de-aging him rapidly to a baby, with a mini VISOR.
"Stop this ..." Daiquiri said. "Change them back, please."
Liqueur rolled his eyes. "You're no fun, Daiquiri" and he
reversed the process. "Don't try anything stupid," he warned fingering, the remote. "You've seen what this baby can do."
"You are a coward, Liqueur," Daiquiri stated.
Liqueur smiled sinister, and shook his head. "I wouldn't say that if I were you..." He aimed the remote at Midouri, Daiquiri's best friend, finger on Stop.
"Do not do it, Liqueur, please."
"Please ..." Liqueur mocked in his nasal mocking voice. "I warned you, Daiquiri." He began to press down on Stop. "Or... See your Doctor over there? Maybe I should crush 'er."
"Why do you need hostages?" Daiquiri asked quickly. "It is me you want. Let them go, or are you not game enough to do that?"
Liqueur hesitated, then took his finger off Stop.
"All right!" he hissed, pressing Play.
The Surprise Gone Away Team began moving, wondering what the hell was going on. Liqueur pressed Transfer, and the now Coming Back Team all faxed back up to the Surprise. All except Daiquiri.
"Satisfied?" Liqueur snarled.
"Yes, thank you."
He started to babble away about the evil deed that his brother had done and Liqueur put him on Mute. Daiquiri realised after a while, stopped talking and put his hands on his hips. Liqueur took him off Mute. "Sorry 'bout that, but you have a nasty habit of rabbiting on and on and on."
Liqueur walked over to his Replibar.
"I brought this with me" he said. "Care for a drink," mischievous smile, "champagne, perhaps?"
"No thank you."
"Well, I'm going to have one." Liqueur turned to his Replibar.
Daiquiri jabbed his fingers into his Brother's back. Liqueur turned around and smirked. "Sorry to disappoint you, Daq, but my off switch isn't in the same place as yours. Nice try, though. Don't do it again."
Daiquiri backed off a little.
Liqueur turned back to his Replibar. "Banana Daiquiri, Large," he said, with a sly smile, looking at his brother.
The creamy yellow drink materialised. Liqueur swallowed it in one gulp.
Daiquiri looked at him. "On second thoughts, I think will have a glass of Liqueur."
Liqueur smiled approvingly. "Your sarcasm's definitely improving."
Daiquiri smiled at this.
"What do you want with me?" he then asked.
"You know what I want."
Liqueur sat, pocketing the remote.
"You lured us here so you could capture me, use my friends as hostages so you could manipulate me."
Liqueur snapped his fingers. "Spot on, Daq, but that's not all. I brought you here so I could ... kill you."
Daiquiri looked at his Brother. "Kill me? ... Because you are so jealous?"
"Yes, dammit! You and your perfect little life - Me with 'F all-"
"Counsellor Tia Maria sensed intense pain from the planet when we were in orbit."
Liqueur frowned. "Pain?"
Daiquiri nodded. Liqueur tried to hide the inner pain he was feeling. "Oh yeah ... he said quickly, "that must've been when I wasn't looking where I was going and ran into that..." He pointed to a rock which protruded outward at groin level. Daiquiri winced slightly.
"There are times I wish Father hadn't made us so fully functional - and that was one of them."
"You wanted to kill me..." Daiquiri stated. "Something has stopped you, otherwise you would have done so already."
There was a pause. "But..." continued Liqueur slowly, softer, then he hesitated, and looked down, "I ... I can't do it..."
Daiquiri stared at his Brother in disbelief. "But you have always hated me."
Liqueur nodded. "But ... well ... " he paused, finding the next words difficult. He looked up at Daiquiri. "I can't ... because... because you're the only family I have ..."
Daiquiri cocked his head to one side and managed a small smile. "If I were human, Liqueur, I would be touched, but you told me to remind you ..."
"Remind me what?"
"You are letting your compassionate side show again."
Liqueur bashed the ground with his fist. "Dammit! I hate it when that happens! I'll never be truly evil when I have this blasted compassionate side!" he growled.
"Perhaps it is better that you do."
Liqueur scowled at his brother.
Daiquiri's mobile chirped and he tapped it. "Daiquiri here."
"Daiquiri, are you all right?" came Bacardi's voice.
"Yes, sir, I am fine."
"What are you doing down there?"
"With Liqueur? O'Brandy ... Fax Daiquiri ..."
"Stand by on that, Sir. Daiquiri out."
"You're leaving," Liqueur said.
Daiquiri nodded. "I must return to my duty."
Liqueur looked at him, pleading. "Don't leave me here ..."
There was a pause and then, "I planned to take over from you and leave this planet, but now ..."
"You have been trapped here?"
Liqueur nodded. At that moment, the facsimile sound was heard. Daiquiri turned and Liqueur stood. The figure formed into Lieutenant Commander Tequila Sunrise. She pulled out her phaser, then saw Daiquiri was unharmed.
"Commander" she said. "Captain Bacardi ordered me to fax down to make sure Liqueur hadn't taken your place again."
She spun around and saw Liqueur.
Liqueur stared at her. He felt something - like he'd been waiting for her all his life. She didn't hear Daiquiri call her name as she dropped her phaser, and ran in slow motion toward Liqueur and Liqueur toward her. Music began to play in the background. Daiquiri recognised it as 'Chariots Of Fire.'
Liqueur and Tequila embraced gently, then he tilted her back in a classic Hollywood style pose, and they kissed.
"This is highly irregular behaviour" Daiquiri stated, "for a BarFleet officer and an evil android."
"Love does that, Daiquiri," Liqueur said. "It breaks all the rules. Perhaps you'll find that out someday."
Daiquiri cocked his head slightly. "Perhaps."
"Tell Captain Bacardi that I resign," Tequila said, gazing lovingly into Liqueur's beautiful golden eyes.
Daiquiri nodded. Obviously she felt that strongly about it.
"Are you coming, Liqueur? It is time to fax up."
"No, Daiquiri. I'll be staying here."
"But you said you wanted to leave -"
Liqueur nodded. "That was before. There was nothing for me here. I was lonely ... bored out of my positronic brain, but now," he drowned himself in Tequila's eyes and smiled. "I have everything I ever dreamed of ... But I'll let you fax back to your ship."
Daiquiri smiled. "Thank you, Liqueur. I am happy for you and-"
"Look ... would you get goin' before I change my mind?!"
Daiquiri quickly tapped his mobile. "Surprise, one to fax up."
Daiquiri told the crew of Tequila's resignation. They were surprised, but happy for her and Liqueur.
Tia Maria smiled. "The pain is gone. I sense only love."
Daiquiri smiled too, hoping someday he would be able to love.
Captain Bacardi rubbed his hands together. "Well, that's solved the mystery. Whiskey, get us out of here, half impulse. Make it slow."
"I can't move the ship, sir. It's being held by clamps."
"CAPTAIN!" yelled Burp, then remembering he had been told to keep quiet, whispered, "receiving an audio transmission."
Bacardi strained to hear him. "Open Optus frequencies."
"Yes ... Sir."
"This is Captain Jean-Luc Bacardi of the USS Surpr-"
A space policeman appeared on screen. "You are being detained for parking in a no parking zone and are being fined 1000 credits. Fax it over immediately, or I'll revoke your Captain's license."
"Merde!" Bacardi yelled.
Daiquiri sniffed the air. "I am afraid you are mistaken, Captain. I smell no-"
"Shut up, Daiquiri." Reluctantly, Bacardi gave the order to fax the credits over. He was in a huff. Damn! There goes my savings for my Captain's yacht and my no claim bonus.
The clamps disappeared, releasing the Surprise.
"Thank you" smiled the policeman, giving a salute and disappearing off screen.
Bacardi scowled and gave him the two up.
"Whiskey, get us the hell out of here."
The USS Surprise glowed as it took off.
In his Not Ready Yet Room, Bacardi was with his Second Officer. To Bacardi's surprise, Daiquiri looked human. No gold skin or yellow eyes.
"Sacre Blue!" he exclaimed. "You're not Daiquiri! You're Brent Spiner!"
"I am Daiquiri, Sir," the android insisted. "I have put make-up on and blue contact lenses to appear more human."
"I prefer you as an android if you must know the truth ... Are you all right, after your experience down there?"
"Yes, Sir. If I were human, I may still be a little shaken, but I am happy for my Brother. He found what he was looking for."
"And so did Commander Sunrise, I see."
Daiquiri nodded. "Yes, sir." He turned to leave.
Daiquiri turned around. "Yes, sir?"
"That planet ... It didn't have a name, did it?"
"No, sir. It was not charted."
"It's BarFleet's policy to name new planets we discover. I don't have any ideas, do you?"
"I believe I do, sir."
Bacardi prompted him. "Well, what should we call it?"
"I believe we should call it Planet Hollywood."
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