Disclaimer: Disney's Hercules is owned by Disney.
I make no Drachma from my fic
Summary: Hades takes a lady to Hades ...
Rating PG
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A LADY IN HADES
For Suz
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"That's it!" Suz exclaimed excitedly, whilst tightening the dark purple cris cross ribbon at the front of her green and white dress. "Oooh yes, you got it, girl!" She hurriedly stuffed a few things out of place on the floor, to wherever they looked neat, not necessarily where they were supposed to go... Excitement was in the air, coupled with anxiety. What if it didn't work? What if it hurt? Eww. What if it did work and she was rejected? No - that couldn't happen. It just couldn't! She'd make sure nothing went wrong.
Suz bounded out of her house, taking took a deep breath. She knew what she must do. This time she would not fail. She would go there - to the place of her dreams ...
She had with her the secret concoction, with the special ingredients. Rock Salt from the Celtic Sea, near the mouth of Charybdis, the vicious whirlpool created by Poseidon, King of the Seas, Droppings from the Seagulls of Crete, birthplace of Zeus, King of the Gods, and lastly Brimstone and Charcoal from the entrance to the Underworld, guarded by Cerebus, the ferocious three headed dog who guarded the home of Hades, Lord of the Dead - or that's what she was told when she bought the stuff at the marketplace from the bearded salesman, Salmoneus.
Suz eyed her purchase, all ingredients bundled up in a tight black velvet pouch with a protruding wick. To her, this was more valuable than gold or Hinds Blood (The only stuff that could kill a Grecian God--) Little did she know the concoction was to be discovered much later in history and called gunpowder - However Suz didn't care – as long as the bloody stuff worked or Salmoneus would be hearing from her ...
Shrouded in the shadows, and hidden beneath a dark brown cape, she made her way to the prison and thanked Prometheus for the gift of Fire. Suz lit the wick and let 'er rip! Throwing the ignited bundle, she ran for cover as the side of the terracotta stone building exploded. A moment later, the ferocious Nemean Lion burst out, roaring down the entire town. Screams filled the air, frantic people rushing for cover.
"Where's Hercules?!" The Lion screamed. "I got me a score to settle!"
Suz shed her cape and stepped out of her hiding place.
"Hercules isn't here yet, so you'll have to deal with me until he comes!" She struck a Hero Pose.
The Lion looked down at her and laughed. "This is a joke, right? You're some kind of Xena wannabe?!"
"Xena?! Xena sucks! Catch me if ya can ya big lug!" Suz yelled, running to the grassy plain.
"Big Lug? I'll show you, Girlie! I'll eat ya ... A nice little snack to tide me over until Jerkules comes!"
Meanwhile in the Underworld ...
Hades sat by his plotting table, twiddling his long fingers as Pain and Panic rush to him.
"Boss, Boss, have you heard the news?"
Hades absent mindedly sucked on a worm. "No news is good news, boys."
"This is!"
Hades glared at them and stood. "What's so important that you simply have to interrupt my daily mope of yet another day with no Souls deciding to grace my domain ... It's a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad world, Boys - And to top it off," Hades continued before his Minions could get a word in edgewise. "I've still got Villain’s block! I can't think of a way to get Hercules!"
"Uhh, Boss, that's what we've come about."
Hades placed his hands on his hips, his smoky robes hugging a little closer to his body. "What?" He was half amused. "Are you boys tellin' me you've got a plan to get rid of Wonderbrat? This I gotta see."
"Boss," Pain said, exasperated. "Someone freed the Nemean Lion... and he's on the warpath lookin' for Hercules."
"WHAT?! WHY IN TARTARUS DIDN'T YOU TELL ME??!!!" Hades blue hair flamed red.
Pain and Panic sighed and slumped.
Hades raised his hand, creating a vision screen, seeing the Lion leaping after a small female.
"This is great!" he exclaimed. "At least that's one Soul for me ... And the fun hasn't even begun yet!
Panic smiled, almost crying. "It's been so long since I've seen him happy..."
Pain hit him.
Hades smiled again. "When Hercules comes, I think our Lion could use a hand or three."
The two Minions grinned.
* * *
Suz was still dodging the Nemean Lion ... She'd practised. The Lion frowned at her laughing at him.
"Stay still, so I can eat you, Girl!"
Suz laughed again and taunted him. This was going well.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Hercules on his slender white and blue winged horse.
"Yes!!"
"It's about time!" the Nemean Lion huffed.
Hercules dismounted from Pegasus and drew his sword.
"I Hercules, Hero – in training will imprison you again!"
"Can the chat!"
Hercules rushed the Lion, the beast leaping out of his way and swiping at the would be hero, tripping him. Hercules screeched and tumbled over, avoiding the big cat’s next sweep and getting to his feet.
"Nice one, Jerkules," Suz said.
"Who're you?" Hercules asked with a frown.
"I could beat that Lion in a jif! I'm Suz, Heroine in Training!"
"You beat me?" The Lion scoffed. "I'd like to see you try!"
"Ma'am," Hercules said, "I don't think you’ve quite grasped the situation at hand ... Let me-"
"Shut up, Jerkules, Murkules!"
"Murkules? That's a new one ... I hate it."
"Good! Jerkules, Murkules, Lurkules, Irkules!"
"SHUT UP!" Hercules yelled. "I hate it when people make fun of my name!"
"Good!" Suz yelled back.
"Would you two both shut up and do something already?!" The Lion yelled. "Like let me eat you and run roughshod over this City State?!"
At that precise moment, Hades appeared in a burst of shades blue flame. Suz stared and screamed, shattering a nearby vase.
"Flattered," the Lord of the Underworld said with a bow.
"Hades?! What do you want?" Hercules demanded with a scowl.
"Nothing, I'm just here to enjoy the show ... and participate..."
He created a black smoke chair and sat down with a bag of chips.
"This is a pantomime, isn't it? Look out, Jerkules, the Lion's behind you." Hades crunched a chip.
Hercules spun, but too late. The Lion jumped him. Suz jumped the Lion.
"Is she mad or is she mad?" Hades asked himself.
"Uhh, I think she’s mad," Pain said.
Hades shook his head and rolled his large yellow eyes.
The Lion shook Suz off, then went to eat her. Hercules grabbed the Nemean by the tail and spun his away.
Suz looked angry. "You idiot!"
"He was about to eat you!"
"You stupid JERK!!!!!" Suz hit him.
"I've had enough of you!"
"And I've had enough of you!"
Hades watched the transaction with interest.
"Domestic conflict ... It's so beautiful."
Suz went on taunting Hercules as the Nemean Lion bounded back. Hercules slipped under him.
"Hercules is behind you!" Hades yelled.
"Shut up!" Hercules frowned at Hades.
Hades shrugged. "Hey, can you blame me for wanting to help the bad guy? That's what you're supposed to do in a pantomime."
"No you're not – you're supposed to help the good guys!"
"That's no fun."
Hercules scowled as he tangled with the Lion, with the girl taunting them.
"She makes the show interesting, don't y' think, Boys?" Hades asked.
Pain and Panic nodded, glued to the action, mouths full of chips.
Suz frowned. This was not working. She looked up at the spectating God, a tad contrite. "Hades, help me out here, you stupid bugger!"
Hades jerked. "What did you call me? ..." he stood and raised his voice. "I will have you know, Mortal, I am HADES, Lord of ALL THE DEAD! ..."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"So if you're so powerful, do something!"
"I beg your pardon? You're challenging moi?"
Suz folded her arms. "It appears that way."
"Are you mad?" Hercules asked, tangling with the Lion.
Suz shrugged. "Maybe ... So Hades, what'll it be?"
"I'LL SHOW YOU, MORTAL!!" Hades hair flamed a violent orange-red as he thrust his arm forth, releasing a fireball, aimed at a tree, though the Nemean Lion got in the way and was blasted unconscious instead.
"Hey, thanks!" Hercules said.
Hades scowled. "It's her fault!"
"Is that all you can do?" Suz taunted.
"THAT'S IT!!!" Hades fumed.
He blasted a fireball at her, violently hitting the human in the mid section. She fell to the ground. Hades jerked back, his hair returning to its natural blue hue. Pain and Panic stared in horror with their mouths open, chips dropping out.
"You killed her ..." Hercules gasped in shock.
Hades stared at the fallen Femme and swallowed. "I ... I ... she..." He shook his head and backed off a little, his breathing increasing slightly.
Hercules, a tad puzzled that Hades seemed remorseful, but the Lord of the Dead resumed his stature.
"She deserved it ... No one challenges me!"
"I do. Frequently in fact."
"Shut up ya little-"
"She might've been a few pieces of feta short of a salad," Hercules said, but you didn't have to kill her."
Hades didn't answer straight away. "For what it's worth, I didn't mean to ... Come on, Boys, we're leaving."
"That's just great, Hades! You evil ... Evil ..."
"Evil what?" Hades snapped. The whole ordeal had made him feel rather uncomfortable.
"You watch me struggle ... You killed that girl ... And now you're just leaving?!..."
"Would you rather I stayed and kept you company? I sing a mean Cabaret."
"On second thoughts, Go."
"I know what I'm not wanted," Hades huffed. He couldn't seem to shake the strange uncomfortable feeling inside him.
"Go on then!"
"I'm going!" Hades snapped, and disappeared in a flash with his two Minions, but not before Hercules caught the upset look in his eyes.
Could it be ... Hercules thought ... I hurt his feelings? Nah... But he looked so sad ... Maybe he feels guilty about the girl? Yowza ... That's something for the Greekly World News! Stop the Presses!! ... Hades Guilt Trip!! Extra, Extra, Read all about it!
Hercules still wondered as he picked up the unconscious Lion to be imprisoned again.
Hades sat on the wooden Ferry with Pain and Panic on either side of him, sailing upriver. The bony white figure looked at him.
"Is there anything I can help you with, Boss?"
Hades looked up. "Nah. Jerkules escaped again. No big deal. I'll get the brat next time."
Pain and Panic almost smiled. How many times had they heard that one before? But somehow they sensed it was something more ...
"Girl trouble?" the Boat Man offered.
Hades head whipped up. "No!" he snapped.
Charon said no more.
Hades slowly traversed the stairs to his dark throne room. The Assistant Agents of Darkness looked up at him, his grey face and body drooping. Panic looked at his purple friend and nodded.
"Uhh ... Boss ..." Panic offered, his voice shaking. "We think we know what's troubling you ... It's not just Jerkules ... About that girl ... You didn't really mean to blast her ... So you don't have to feel guilty about it ..."
"Guilty?! I don't feel guilty. Guilt's a myth ..."
"Really, Boss," Pain spoke up. "You didn't mean to shoot her. You just lost your temper ... like you always do. It's just you..."
Hades sighed. "I did lose it, didn't I?" He sighed again. "Well I hope I didn't hurt her."
Pain and Panic stared at each other. This revelation would rock Mount Olympus to the ground ... Hades feeling remorse?!
"I think we should tell Homer we have a story for him..." Pain whispered.
"Ssh!" Panic snapped. "Can't you see the God's in pain ..." he raised his voice a tad. "Boss, I'm sure she didn't feel a thing... Not like us when you blast out butts ..."
That brought a small smile to Hades face.
Unbeknownst to Hades and his followers, someone was coming up the stairs and had heard most of the conversation.
Hades smiled at his Minions, which made them stare, for this was not an evil smile. It was uncanny.
"Thank you Boys, it's times like this when I remember why I still hire you."
They beamed.
Hades looked up as another entered his throne room.
"YOU!" He spluttered, standing instantly and advancing on the newcomer expecting the intruder to run screaming for the River Styx or at the very least back off, but she walked toward him.
"You know I have the power to kill a Soul?" Hades threatened.
"I'm sure you do," Suz purred as she advanced on him, until she was standing right in front of the God. Hades looked as though he was mad enough to out burn the sun, though Suz showed no sign of fear, and what happened next, not even the Lord of the Dead was prepared for. Suz Spirit form reached up and kissed him gently on his grey lips.
"I don't care how corny this sounds, Hades. I ... I ... love you."
Hades bright yellow eyes widened and he collapsed to the floor, Pain and Panic staring.
The three of them waited for Hades to come to. Suz sat on the floor and watched as he blinked and opened his eyes. The Spectral form of Suz gave a small smile. "You ... You didn't hurt me, Hades ... Thanks for wondering." She seemed flattered. She and Hades stood. "Well it didn't hurt not much..." It was kind of a shock ..."
"Ya. That I can imagine."
Suz looked at him gingerly.
"But you deserved it ... No one speaks to me like that. NO ONE!"
"Careful Boss," Panic warned. "You don't want to lose it again."
Hades snarled at them.
Pain sighed. "So much for our Cover Story."
The Lord of the Dead approached Suz's Soul.
"What are you doing here? You should be doing laps with all the other Souls or do you expect me to send you back upstairs?
Suz chuckled and shook her head as she spoke. "Duh. You really don't get it, do you? I want to be here. Why do you think I freed the Nemean Lion and insulted Hercules? Heh, you probably thought I was mad, right?"
"Ahh ... well it had crossed my mind ..."
Suz smiled again. 'At least this time I made it." Hades looked puzzled, as she continued. "It's not the first time I've tried to come here. I've tried swimming down and even under the river Styx, but Charon caught me and kicked me out. I even tried to bribe him with coins ... I tried pretending I was dead, and hitching a ride..." she struck a dead pose, "but that Charon's a smart one ..."
"You wanted the Nemean Lion to kill you?" Hades asked, astonished.
"Well it seemed to be the only way to get here. I couldn't kill myself, because I've heard suicides go to Tartarus."
"Oh, that's just a myth."
Suz sighed. "Now you tell me..." I knew Hercules probably wouldn't waste me ... But I was like desperate and so I ... Well sorry if I hurt your feelings ..."
Hades looked her, surprised. "Hey, No harm done, baby cakes ... Y'know ... you're the only one ... well who's ever ... well ... y'know..." Hades shrugged gingerly.
Suz smiled warmly. "I know," she whispered.
The Spirit and Deity drew closer and shared a kiss.
"You know, Panic," Pain said. "I think she really is mad..."
The blue Minion sighed as he watched Hades and Suz and wiped a tear from his eye. "Ohh that's soooo romantic..."
The purple one shook his head and sighed.
Hades gently touched Suz's Spirit and ran his hand through her, causing her to gasp at the sudden, subtle pleasure.
"It's called Scelping," Hades purred softly.
Suz looked into his yellow eyes, then gently ran her hand through his body. Hades shivered slightly. "Oohh ... Not bad for a first timer ..."
Suz smiled again.
"Come with me ..." Hades said, somewhat excitedly.
Suz followed him, around a ledge and sighed at the way he seemed to glide around it.
"Careful," Hades said when they approached a dank, dark place... Spooky, even for the Underworld. "This place gives me the creeps ... It's where the Lost Souls dwell. Even I can't do anything with them."
Suz looked down into the River, seeing the tormented Souls, hearing their silent screams, each face wrought with pain, perpetual hopelessness, despair and depression.
"They can only help themselves," Hades said as he glided around a narrow part of the ledge.
Suz followed and screamed as she slipped. Hades gasped and caught her before she fell into the River of the Lost and held her close. Suz hugged onto him, not wanting to lose him. She'd be lost, in despair and perpetually depressed without him ... He stroked her face gently. 'I don't want to lose you."
Suz almost cried at his gentle, sincere use of the words.
"Ahh ... Here we are..." Hades said, abruptly, taking a small rock out of its place, revealing a soft, glowing orange streaked green substance. He gently took a piece from the whole and gave it to Suz.
"Eat this," he said. "It's Ambrosia ... I can't be with a Soul... You have to be alive."
Suz looked into Hades eyes and sighed. He truly did love her, despite his aversion to the sentimental. Her love had shown him that someone did care ... And that he was capable of doing the same. Suz took the Ambrosia into her Spirit form and found herself becoming solid once more.
"Perfect ..." Hades said. "You're a Goddess."
"What?!"
"Ambrosia ... If taken by a Mortal, converts them into a God."
Suz swallowed. "You mean I'm ... I'm immortal?"
Hades smiled and nodded. "Yes ... A God can't be with a mortal... and what would I do if you died?"
He ruffled Suz's hair. "You're the only one who's ever given a fimus about me ... Who's really cared ... and ... and ... loved... me... I ... I ... Love ... you..."
Hades found the words hard to say.
A tear rolled down Suz cheek. "Thank you, Hades. No one's ever been this kind to me before..."
"Kind? Eww. That's an evil word!"
Both he and Suz laughed as they made their way back to his throne room.
"Damn," Hades cursed.
"What?" Suz asked. "Forget something?"
"I swore Cupid'd never get me. The Bugger!"
Suz laughed and hugged him. Hades returned the embrace.
"It seems to be Cupid's week," he said. "I heard on the grapevine he shot down Hermes earlier today."
Suz smiled. "Isn't that too nutty?"
Hades laughed.
"So," Suz said, "you got a pomegranate?"
"I think I have ... Some of my sacrificials seem to think I dig the things... Ahh ... Here."
He reached over to the pinkish fruit on the table and gave one two Suz who hurriedly opened it ate twelve of the sweet, tart seeds.
"Now you'll have to stay with me all year round."
"Oh, that's too bad," Suz said with a smile as she shared the fruit with Hades. He chewed and swallowed some of the firm, juicy seeds. "Hey, this isn't bad ..."
When they had finished, Hades shot out a small fireball from his hand, disintegrating the peels.
He and Suz kissed gently, sitting on the floor, leaning against the brimstone table. Hades suddenly picked her up and held her. Suz placed her arms around his neck, never wanting to let go.
Hades smiled at her and gently kissed her again, holding her gently in his arms.
"Well Babe," he said, "let me show you the Highway to Hades..."
And with that, he whisked her off to his bed chambers ...
*