FIRST SEASON (1998)
* = Episodes with Hades :)
WARNING: All episode synopses here contain spoilers
It starts off with Hercules at the Agora Mall. Cassandra gets work experience in the information booth which she does not hate and Icarus gets a job in lingerie where he gets to touch all the frilly things! Hercules gets work experience at the hero world … that's Gyro Wurld by the way. Make mine Mutton! Hercules gets made fun of and Zeus has a meeting of the Gods to get Hercules a worthy job. Hades wants Hercules to work in the Underworld, but Zeus won't have that. "But it's okay for your little brother…" Hades remarks. It turns out that Hercules gets to drive Apollo's chariot. Apollo isn't sure, but Hades is inspired! Hercules has fun, but Hades' minions, Pain and Panic steal the sun from Hercules and take it to the Underworld to undermine Zeus. The Muses sing the blues while the world is in darkness.
In the Underworld Hades is sitting down, has sunnies on and a lei and is sipping a pina colada … "Hey, this is the Afterlife…"
The mall is being looted. Hercules feels responsible. Hades goes to Olympus and tried to undermine Zeus to usurp his position on mount Olympus. Hercules goes to the Underworld and gets the sun back. The Gods are regretfully voting for Hades on Mont Olympus - regretfully, come on he's not that bad a guy is he? ;) But at the last moment the sun appears and the Gods vote for Zeus and Hades, Zeus' baby brother gets in trouble and plays the game 'run away as fast as you can!'
It starts in Thessaly with the greedy king Salmoneus. To save Thessaly he organises a Zeusapallooza! Cassandra sees the entire state of Thessaly wiped out. Salmoneus dresses as Zeus and orders his subjects to worship Salmoneus. Hercules challenges Salmoneus and the Real Zeus appears and smites Salmoneus greets Hercules then leaves. The subjects of Thessaly make Hercules their king. Meanwhile king Salmoneus is at the Grove of Despair. Pain and Panic appear and tell him that he's dead, but he's not dead. Pain and Panic thing they may have jumpe dthe crossbow on this one. They reminisce to the last time they brought in a live one and Hades burned their butts. Now Salmoneus goes to the Grove of Scheming to ask Pain and Panic to get his throne back, but they go to the Grove of Despair when they find out they have to get rid of Hercules. Zeus is proud of his son and Icarus can smell Gods. Pain and Panic morph into Thessaleans and go to the neighboring state to declare war, but the army runs away when they hear that Hercules is the son of Zeus. Now Pain and Panic start a garbage strike, but Herc gets rid of the trash and saves the town from other disasters. Now the people all want things from his and Hercules getting tired out. We are not amused. Herc and Co are about to leave, then Zeus and Hera appear and tell Hercules to be himself and the greatest king ever. Hercules goes back. Pain and Panic morph into a Lion carrying Salmoneus. The Lion decimates the town trying to get to Hercules. Wipeout. Hercules tells the people to decide for themselves and Pain and Panic go back to Hades!
3} HERCULES AND THE SECRET WEAPON
The City State of Athens, domain of Athena, Goodness of Wisdom, jewel of Grecian culture and 10 drachma pita specials, loved by all but Sparta, domain of war, Warriors, domain of Ares, God of War, Athena’s brother – talk about sibling rivalry! And apparently it’s hot as Hades in Hephaestus’ Forge. Ares wants Hephaestus to make him a head-crunching, bone crushing secret weapon and he makes the Armageddon Bow with self-making arrows and of course it’s a hit! Athena comes to mend her armour and hears about Ares’ not-so-secret weapon. Is Herc a tool of the Goat man or a hero in training? Then… Olympus calling and Athena makes an appearance and puts Phil in his place and gives Herc a mission to go incognito to Sparta and destroy Ares secret weapon and Cassandra and Icarus won – Herc’s a tool of the goat man. Sparta… Plan Alpha… Plan Beta… Plan Gamma…Plan Delta… Plan Pi…Plan Sigma … Watch out for that tree!...Plan Omega Phil’s out of alphabet…all that training…And Herc attacks the Spartans carrying the chained box. Ares is impressed with the carnage and to get at his laundry! He’s impressed with the strong, sweaty hero and calls him Sport and gives him the weapon and chooses him to be the one to destroy Athena and poor Herc is torn between the 2 Gods. Ares puts on his destroy Athens armour, looking like a Vampire bat and of course Herc (Sport) can’t destroy Athens, he’ll be kicked out of school! The bow’s alive and she talks too much. Cassandra and Icarus accidently blow Herc’s cover and Ares is … well mad! And plans to send them to Hades with the bow, who misses on purpose. The bow makes Ares blast his own temple and the bow says “that’s Irony.” Athena makes an appearance and tells Herc he’s done well and her and Ares fight. Herc is tired of both of them and throws the bow to Cupid. Zeus blasts Ares for attempting to execute his son (even though the warring God was clueless and Cassandra sends Icarus flying…again. And Herc makes up a new Hero Rule – a Hero thinks for himself!
4} HERCULES AND THE ASSASSIN
It starts off with Peracles the leader of Athens, answering questions of the public. A failed an assassination attempt is made. Hercules has the hots for Tempest, an Amazon, but she isn't interested. Phil is training Hercules, but Hercules wants to upgrade to warrior training with spears to impress Tempest, but Phil is having none of it. Under cover of darkness, Ulysses goes into Phil's weapons storeroom… In the meantime the assassin is visited by his boss Ares, but he's called back by his sister Athena. Ares is enamoured by Cleon’s wife’s cooking. Hercules is trying to impress Tempest, but she still things he's a child. There is a second attempt on Peracles' life. The spear has Phil's name on it and he is arrested. Hercules tries to help Phil, and he knows it's his fault as the assassin found his spear. Phil even had a mug shot on a ceramic mug! Icarus pretends to be Phil's lawyer and they go to help Phil, who is going to be executed … but he's found innocent with the help of Herc & Co and Tempest and the real assassin is caught and overcome with a Junior javelin! And Ares gets in trouble!
5} HERCULES AND THE BIG KISS *
Cassandra has a vision where she kisses Icarus! Meanwhile Hades needs a seer to see the future to see a scheme he has in the works, but the fates won't help … To none shall the future be unfurled … Not even to the Lord of the Underworld… Hades goes through a seer book and finds Cassandra …Is my hair aflame? … Cassandra tells Hercules that she's had her worst apocalyptic vision ever … Hercules tells Cassandra that he will help her come Hades or high water … but Hercules isn't that put off by her vision. Hercules goes to Icarus to discourage him, to no avail. Cassandra tried to escape when Hades appears to take her soul to prevent the kiss, weekends, after school and occasionally the graveyard shift and she gets every other Sunday off. Deal! Hercules is shocked. Hercules goes to Aphrodite. Hades gets pain and panic to stop Icarus kissing Cassandra with some back up. She gives him some arrows and some love potion. Cassandra feels great, she said she should have sold her soul to Hades years ago! Cassandra runs away from Hercules and the arrows, and he misses but he gets her in the end and shows her a picture of Icarus then hits here with the rocket launcher one and she's all Icky poo for Icarus. Pain and Panic to stop Icarus to no avail, but their backup a huge snake monster called Doubt. Icarus escapes with Hercules. Does Hades look mad … no, he's going out with yellow hair and toasts pain and panic marshmallows. Cassandra is love crazy, but Icarus is terrified. Icarus drools and Cassandra runs. Hades shows up. Hades blasts Icarus, but Cassandra didn't want his dead. Aphrodite shows up. Cassandra has to kiss Icarus to wake him up and she does. Hades' scheme turns out that he wants to ask Aphrodite on a date. She says no. Poor Hades is mortified and is beaten up by Hephaestos. And Icarus wants another kiss!
6} HERCULES AND THE RIVER STYX *
Hello, Narrator Dude, we got the dish on Daedalus … Daedalus is teaching shop class … They are making a solar powered catapult … They are inventors! Hercules is put in charge of the trigger mechanism. Try not to blow it destructo boy, Adonis says, We get a group grade on this. … Of course it’s a disaster and Hercules feels bad, though he doesn't like Daedalus' class. It could be worse – home economics or gym the bane of Icarus’ existance…
Meanwhile … in the Underworld Pain and Panic are late in reporting for duty, though Hades isn't there. He’s left a note saying he's gone to trick his brother Poseidon into rearranging the cosmos and Pain and Panic still grovel cos thety’re late and get turned into toads. Wait! Pain says, he’s not veen here… Man he’s gooood…
Hades is with Poseidon and Hades is scheming nd thingks dolphins are cute... Og course they are – I designed them, Poseidon says. Apparently people offering things to Poseidon have been a little slow … and Hades wants to trick Poseidon into altering the course of the River Styx to include all of Greece, so it would be Hades call who gets Athens as it will be part of his Realm. And Poseidon agrees! It’s like shootin’ fish in a barrel, badda bing!
Daedalus is trying to teach Hercules, but Hercules thinks his class is useless and
Icarus is getting upset and unducessfully rying to convince Hercules otherwise.
Meanwhile Poseidon diverts the course of the river Styx. Hades now owns all of Greece! Come on lades, sing along with Hades … Hades sings about his town! You gotta love is doncha! The Prometheus academy is a place of torment for the students with Hades as the new principal! Helen’s forces ot ear Deep friend of pFata puffs, Adonis is ofrced to massage his servant’s feet and he screams. Cassandra is a housewife …. Ohh he’s good! and Icarus has to go to gym class or punch out a Hercules puppet… Hercules is in Daedalus class … Daedalus has invented a war wagon. Herc cranks it up – Icarus wanto fight but Hercules says after we save greece. Okay Icarus says, I’ll take a rain check.Hercules gets to Athena's temple, but both Athena and Poseidon have been tied up with Hephaestos chained up by Hades. Reluctantly Poseidon gives Hercules his trident. Hercules goes to divert the river Styx, I’m borrwong Poseidon’s trident – he said it was okay… but she isn't so cooperative! Hades gets the trident. Hades proclaims himself lord of the waters and is having way too much fun. Hercules tries to move a mountain. Icarus, Daedalus and Hercules use a lever and fulcrum to move the mountain to divert the river Styx and everything is back to normal. Hades is gloating until Poseidon gets his trident back. Easy come. Easy go, badda bing … And Hercules passed shop class… barely!
7} HERCULES AND THE TECHNO GREEKS
Apparently our narrator’s been locked in a sound booth all his life, poor guy! The Muses tell him about the Techno Greeks, they’re numbers freaks that live in Abacus Valley. Life in the valley is sweet, apart from a herd of Centarus who raid every Friday. Numericus is tired of hiding, though Calculus is happy to run, hide and scream like a little girl. They decide to pay someone to help them.
Meanwhile at the school, Tempest has no use for words, being the Amazon Warrior that she is and Herc sucks at epic lyric poetry until he puts passion into it, reciting his hero rules. Tempest believes she belongs in battle. Herc & Co go to Abacus Valley to repair Cassandra’s abacus which Hercules crushed whilst riding a giant celestial ball. A customer gets a new power slate with a free ram upgrade – Baa. Calculus is freaked out by a girl – Cassandra. Tempest is hired against the Centaurs, though our resident Hero in training sees to them and is livid that Hercules stole her job. She tells his her vengeance will be painfully, agonizingly … vengeful! She does to the Centaur hangout and beats the stupid named Blowtox’s fat butt in battle and takes over as their new leader. And Abacus Valley had their new hero – lookout! Icarus hopes Cassandra backed up her stuff as he breaks her abacus. The Techno Greeks are testing Hercules patience calling him for each little thing, even a mouse. Tempest the Leaderness Lady plans a surprise attack on … Monday! Blowtox is upset and alone and Hercules helps to train him up as a hero and he eats apples Herc shoots with his bow trying to get him to use his cunn…ning… Wanna play with a sword? “Oh Goodie!” Blowtox says. He wonders why he never thought of attacking on a Monday. Tempest and Hercules fight and he tried to reason with the vengeful Amazon. Icarus is green with jealousy of Calculus’ advances on Cassandra. The Centarus trip on a bunch of round abacus’ beads and Blowtox is reunited with his fellows. They become security for Abacus Valley and Tempest warms her retribution will be swift and bloody “see you in math class” she says and Herc reminds her of the test tomorrow, hoping for peace …
8} HERCULES AND THE WORLD'S FIRST DOCTOR *
Hads said he hasn’t got alll day, actually he’s got eternity but he doesn’t want to spend it with Pain & Panic… The gift shup Death & Stuff is boasting record sales …. Too many details Hades saus. The Underworld is going through a slow period, i.e a decrease in new arrivals, actually zero dead people. My business is dead people, and without dead people, my business is dead, people!
It's career day for the students. Hercules knows what he's going to be - a Hero! He goes over to Hippocrates, a doctor, and is amazed that he can cure the sick, as Hercules thought that was only something the Gods could do … Phil is not impressed. A statue falls on his head and Hippocrates takes him to the hospital and cures him, but Phil still isn't impressed, but Hercules decides to stay. Hippocrates is curing sick people. Hades wants Pain and Panic to knock off Hippocrates. Hades likes the cherry pie Pain and Panic got in Emergency. Gimme some of that! Mm … nice! The business is going to well.. to here … And Hades is going to fight back, he's not going to give up … And he's mad that Hercules is working with Hippocrates, but he gets Hercules unwittingly spread a plague left over from Pandora's Box … Phil is jealous of Hippocrates. Pain and Panic pretend to be lost at sae and Hercules takes them to Hippocrates. Meanwhile they spread the killing plague. Hades is happy with Hercules' help. Hippocrates helps the people in the city, but he loses a patient.
Meanwhile Hades is open for business … Hercules and Hippocrates are depressed. Hippocrates tells Hercules that he's been toying with medicine and Hercules goes to the ends of the world to get the ingredients. He starts bringing the people back to life. Hades is shocked. Hades shows up and gives the plague to Hippocrates who has no more medicine. Physician heal thyself … Hades leaves downstairs … And greets Hippocrates in the Underworld. Home of eternal torment since the dawn of time. How ya doin' babe.
Hercules needs Phil's help …. To go to the Underworld … They cross the River Styx bribing Charon with a copy of the Greekly World News. Oh boy! The Funnies! They are attacked by the Furies, though Hades wants them to take Hippocrates - please! He's curing dead people … Hercules convinces Hippocrates that the living need him more. However, Hades doesn't want Hippocrates to do too much good so he invents Golf and double billing, goodbye I love you!
9} HERCULES AND THE POOL PARTY *
Hades is upset because the other Gods get to make wine and love and other things… Pain and Panic tell Hades that he might want to take a dip in the pool of forgetfulness. Hades has a bright idea to make the other Gods forget who they are to get a clear shot at the top. His new zip code will be 9021Olympus!
Meanwhile Hercules can't wait till the Hero Weekend Workshop, but he didn't make the grade.
Pain and Panic are making out the invitations, but Hades tells them to lose the God Trivia (That's Tri-vee-a by the way). They give the invitations to the Gods.,
A pool party in the Underworld … That is so out it's in.
Trivia is boring the Gods. Hera makes Zeus and the other Gods go. Hades is depressed that no one is going in the pool, but he gets the Gods to go in the pool and they forget who they are.
Greece is in chaos, but Hercules wants to use the opportunity to do more labours for the Hero workshop. Pain and Panic are on Olympus talking about Hades' plan and Trivia overheard and he goes to Hercules.
Meanwhile Hades is accidentally locked put of Olympus and het gets Pain and Panic to go to Hephaestos to get a key. The least Hades could do is overthrow Trivia too … They go to the Underworld and see the amnesiac Gods. They plan to get the Gods to sweat off the water from the pool. They take the Gods to Hephaestos volcano. Hercules tries to get rid of Hades from Mount Olympus. Hercules misses Hephaestos with one of Cupid's arrows. It hits Panic and he fells in love with Pain! Poseidon's trident opens the door, but Trivia kicks Hades out, Hades tries to make a deal with him, but the Gods are back! Hades says they lost their minds and he was helping, and he leaves quick smart. Chow, babe.
10} HERCULES AND THE PRINCE OF THRACE
It starts off with Adonis being the royal pain that he is. They are digging up a swimming pool for him, but they come upon a warning plaque containing a curse. Adonis wants them to dig and they keep on digging, awakening Gaia the Earth Goddess who ain't happy and she curses Adonis. The narrator tells the Muses who are bustin' a groove about Midas, telling them about the re-write. You shouldn't mess with Mother Earth. Adonis goes to Hercules and his friends to help him. Do you suppose they have first class on the Ferry upon the river Styx? Adonis wonders. Cassandra sees Adonis laying down to die. Adonis is upset by the three day jounrey to Delphi frought woth monsters and two star restaurants oh my! Herc takes him to the oracle of Delphi - and he's thrown out when he jumps queue. He uses daddy's cheque book to get to the front and the oracle tells him he's cursed to die by sunset. They tell him to seek out the golden apples. He pays the people to get to the top of the line again to ask more questions. They go to the Elysian Sunset Rest home to ask the man where the apples are. The guy is a shapeshifter and attacks them after Adonis attacks him. Adonis throws porridge at him (which he hates) and he tells them that the apples at the edge of the world and tey’d better stop lollygaggin’! Nereus tells Adonis that only a God can pick the apples. Atlas ties to trick them into holding up the sky. Hercules tries to pick the apples, but he gets hurt. Hercules gets mad, but he decides to leave, but Adonis needs him to save his life – he’s his last hope and Hercules stays. Adonis is depressed that no one seems to care. Hercules holds up the sky. They trick Atlas into holding the sky again and tale off. Atlas kicks a rock at them and Pegasus makes a crash landing, and has sprained his wing. This odd new feeling s him havig odne the righ thing. Adonis awaits the cold grasp of Hades himself, but Hercules tells Adonis that the Earth is all around and he calls upon her. Adonis gives her the apples which she accepts and loves and they go bacl to their little mortal lives J
11} HERCULES AND THE TAPESTRY OF FATE *
This episode begins with the Fates - Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos … They are weaving the Tapestry of fate and they know Bob’s tha Narrator’s name!. Meanwhile at the Mall, the gang find out that Orpheus is coming to town. While Cassandra is shopping, Hercules and Icarus rush to get tickets, but they're all sold out. Icarus is shattered. The go to Zeus who cant help, he can't interfere with mortal affairs. Icarus decided to go to the Fates, but they won't help, not even for the son of Zeus. Icarus has an idea, so he tells Hercules to keep the Fates talking and goes off by himself. He sees Arachne, the guardian of the Tapestry of Fate, but he hides and she doesn't see him. Icarus gets to the Tapestry and reweaves it. Meanwhile one of the Fates has fallen in love with Herc, and they leave when Icarus gets back, but Herc is shocked. Cassandra is in love with Icarus and she looks just like Helen. They go back to weave the tapestry, but they meet Arachne and they run from her. She grabs Icarus in a sticky web
Meanwhile In the Underworld, the incoming alarm goes off, but Hades isn't ecstatic. He calls his imps, who prefer to be called Assistant Agents of Darkness. It looks better on the resume … He tells them to go take care of the new arrival, Icarus' soul leaves and another alarm goes off and Hades says souls do not leave the Underworld and the code for the alarm is Hades Mother's Maiden name …
Icarus is back. Hades looks at them, and gets an idea about Tapestry weaving … And weaves his own Tapestry …
Hercules is a God, and Hades is the God of Olympus … Whoa! Hades has left the building! Hercules is the son of Hades!! Arachne tells them that the Fates and the Tapestry have always been prisoners of the Underworld. And she prefers to be called a Freelance Web Designer … Phil is a janitor. He is a teacher of Flight class. Hercules is going to the Underworld to untangle the Tapestry. Zeus is the tapestry's guardian. Hermes is Zeus' minion. A whole new wad of dead people just chekced in and he’s gotta go see who needs doom srevice. Hades goes to the Underworld and we get to see him without his shirt on! Hades tries to get Zeus to kill Hercules. Hades falls into the River Styx. Hades, Zeus, Pain and Panic are all after Hercules, but Icarus helps. Hades hurls a thunderbolt at Hercules,and he’s cool with thingerdolis! But hits the tapestry instead.
Hercules and Icarus run to get tickets to Orpheus and they get the last two. The tickets were a from the Fates. But the concert has been cancelled …
12} HERCULES AND THE LIVING LEGEND *
The episode starts off with Phil training Hercules. Meanwhile Hades, in the Underworld is watching. He gets the idea to promote Phil to the big leagues that he'd leave the chump, Hercules behind, and Hades knows Phil's Achilles heel ...Meanwhile Achilles is old, fat and decrepit. Hades makes Achilles into a young hero again, but then he changes Achilles old again and he tells that Achilles that he could have gone all the way and sweet talks him. Hercules wants some fancy sandals. Hades gets Memnon the monster to go a few founds with Achilles and take a fall. Of course both Memnon and Achilles are both acting. Memnon fogets his lines and Panic cues him. Memnon goes bacl to Hades. Let’s do lunch. Was he stinkin’ up the joing or what! Hades says. Who talketh like that Pain says,
Phil decides to coach Hercules and Achilles. Achilles seems to be getting all the glory and a villa! Hercules is depressed. There is a fire in Arcadia, but Achilles is told not to go by Panic. Phil syays with Achilles and Hades is impressed. Hercules goes off by himself and saves the village, but ends up flooding the place! Achilles is busy being famous. Phil goes back to the island to get some stuff. He sees Hercules training and says he's sorry. Hades takes Achilles to the Underworld and shows him Phil with Hercules through Tartarus Vision – TV for short. He makes Achilles old again. He gets Memnon to kill either Phil or Hercules. Anything you say, Big Daddy! Hades is watching in the Underworld. Gimme some of that popcorn! Memnon is about to kill Phil and Hercules, but Achilles helps and defeats him. All his life he’s wanted ot be a hero for the wrong reasonsand Herc really gets it. Hades is so mad and has to blast … somethin'! Achilles steps aside for Hercules and goes to help the flooded town ….
13} HERCULES AND THE RETURN OF TYPHON *
It’s the three day weekend, everyone’s favourite Titan Smitin’ day! Icarus thinks a year is too long to wait for an annual event and drags his friends to all the Zeus themed rides. Hercules is dizzy and Cassandra has nausea covered and Icarus gets waaay to involved in the puppet show. Cassandra is going on a ride in the dark with Icarus where no one will see her push him overboard…Hercules has some big sandals to fill by way of his father the mighty Zeus. Even the narrator and his family gets the day off, they’re invisible and wearing my Etna hats… Hermes comes with the good news – Herc is invited to cloud 33. Cupid hands out nectar. Hades had nectar flambé and breathes fire. Herc is with the Zeus party! Hera actually sent for Herc and he gives Zeus a Titan Smitin’ scroll. Zeus decides Herc should throw the first bolt instead of him Morpheus hits the lights and brings the stars and Hermes sings. That’s how the story goes… Or does it?
Meanwhile Echidne is upset about Titan Smitin’ day and puts her baby monster to bed. Herc strikes the classic Zeus pose and Hera is worried Zeus should have told him the truth. The bolt ricochets and causes havoc. Herc is upset and declared a public hazard. The giant Echidne comes to the Titan Smitin festival and creates carnage. Her son ate his sitter. Zeus defeated the father of all monsters and now Herc is determined to defeat the … mother! Echidne loves her work. He throws a Zeus mask on her and decided she looks better with a beard. Oww that smarts! She’s tired of the demi brat, Herc accidentally frees Typhon with the Ferris wheel. Love muffin! Echidne screeches. Typhon thinks Herc is an Ionian fly and then goes for the rematch. Herc is ashamed and tells Zeus that Typhon is free. Echidne tells Typhon that he can’t eat him son and Typhon is heartened that he had his fangs. And Typhon created havoc – quality time for monsters. Zeus battles Typhon and even rescues some lawyers! They give Typhon gas. Zeus is mad when Typhon destroys his state that he posed for an age for. Hera throws a lightning bolt, like she threw the last one and the truth is out and she decrees that the fight be settled peacefully or else! Zeus realises he’s only human…so to speak.
14} HERCULES AND THE OWL OF ATHENS
Mount Olympus… home office of the Gods. Zeus is sinking ships in the tub. Aphrodite’s pondering the important question of what to wear. As usual Athena and Ares are at it again. Athena shaves Ares’ dogs of war, now they look like poodles of War. Ares is fuming and wants revenge. His two sons Fear and Terror are playing a trivia game and not getting very far. Ares plans to get Athena’s owl and shave it in revenge… or is that pluck? His sons want to finish playing.
Meanwhile Icarus thinks an historical factoid will save the day for Hercules when he’s bored in Mt Herodotus’ history class daydreaming of fighting monsters instead of history text scrolls. The class, including Hercules is terrified by the prospect of a mid-term examination! Hercules beseeches Athena to help and she comes to him for help to protect her owl Ibid. Herc is made smart when the bird perches on his head – this is so cool! He thinks. Ares sons spy on then then leave – their father told them to take the own form Athena not Hercules and go back to play their game. Hercules hides Ibid under a ridiculous pink hat.
Ares burst in and forgets the secret knock. And he’s mad. Fear and Terror want to keep playing and Ares says NOOOOOW!!!!
Hercules’ teacher begins the mid-term and makes Herc take the hat off. Herc edges back to the hat and Fear and Terror burst in, the teacher takes off like a bat out of Hades. The owl makes Ares’ sons smart. Hercules beseeches the wise and merciful Athena and she’s way peeved. Ares is happy and gets his implements. His boys and concluded that his prank is boorish and intrigues them not. They chain Ares with chains than can hold even a God and continue their game. Athena bursts in and is chained up too. Normally she says to Hercules that she’s against violence but in this case, pulverize them! Herc Vs. Terror – one night only! One night only was all Sparta could take and Fear comes with a non-violent solution and challenges Herc to their game “It’s all Greek to Me.” The trivia scrolls are read out, the sundial is ticking. Poor Ibid looks like he’s seen better days, Both Athena and Ares want Hercules to win. They ask the final question used in his mid-erm – yes an historical factoid did indeed save the day! Ibid jumps for joy, the Gods are freed and Hercules gotta go because history calls. He got a Beta plus, which got downgraded to a Beta minus when he confessed to the owl scam…and Icarus wondered where the way cool hat went…
15} HERCULES AND THE GIRDLE OF HIPPOLYTE
Herc is running for his life, is captures, escapes and goes to rescue an odd sounding Damsel… Turns out he’s training and Phil isn’t going to order form the Zero to Hero catalogue again seeing their damsel doll looked more like a dude. Phil says that Dudes save damsels and Herc says he saved Phil once... whoa! Look at the time Phil says.
Cassandra hates home economics class and her life. Herc is trying to be a dude and make Tempest do the cooking and she, an Amazon warrior is trying to make him do it and the flour explodes. Tempest thinks it’s slightly amusing then is worried that is she’s caught smiling she’ll be hauled away in an instant. The Amazons invade the class and take off with Tempest saying she’s brought shame to her Amazon Sisters and punch Hercules out. He does after them to save Tempest and is about to learn a lesson in tough. Bobby the narrator is late back from his yoga class, but the Muses covered. Queen Hippolyte, Tempest’s mother is not impressed with her warriors and Tempest is outraged. Her mother had had her spied on and reads Tempests shame from a scroll … September 16thg, she let a sophomore cut in front of her in class and live to tell the tale. He’ll never walk the same again Tempest protests… Herc braves the Amazons for Tempest. Not a bad effort for the weaker sex they say. Tempest is ashamed but going to get a shot at the golden girdle. Gut-wrenching pain will be her only friend. They grow up so fast says Darius, Tempest’s father. He takes responsibility for Hercules and teaches him how to cook and Herc tells him he’s a hero in training and worried about Tempest. Ever thought about waiting tables? Darius asks. Keep stirring! Tempest is upset Hercules is here and is trying to help him escape. One of the Amazons wants a vacation… or a boyfriend… Herc is upset. Tempest is about to face woman eating beasts and worse come dawn’s light, Tempest declares she will be golden girdled and begins her quest and says she can’t give into fear. Darius convinces him to help like a recipe might need a little bay leaf. Tempest is mad and has to save Herc and they’re about to be crushed by a crushing ceiling disc which is happy to crush them. They work together and the crusher slams on his ground and his face cracks. Hippolyte wants Tempest to kill Hercules. Darius admits he let Hercules go and says it’s time for a change for a new type of golden Amazon who knows compassion is not a weakness.
Back at school Hercules bakes a fish and the teacher detects a hint of bay leaf! Darius is impressed. Queen Hippolyte and him have come for a tour of Tempest’s school and makes them listen to Darius’ cooking class – or else!
16} HERCULES AND THE BACCHANAL *
It starts off on Phil's Island. Phil wants to go to a Satyr and other half humans convention, but his island sitter bailed. Hercules wants to look after the island. Phil’s not sure Herc is responsible enough. Hermes sticks around to look after Hercules. Icarus and Cassandra want to come over too and Hermes lets them. The more the merrier! So long as it's just these two cats. Hermes makes real speedy pitas. Adonis comes and announces his parents are away and he's throwing a lavish affair and everyone wants to come, but Herc and his friends aren't invited. Icarus says they're going to Herc's party, but Herc says it's more of a get together. Adonis says his party is going to be a real Bacchanal. Hermes says Bacchus wouldn't come near Adonis' party. Bacchus comes to Herc and friends, and he says Adonis party is not a Bacchanal because he's not going and he's angry. This is in the affront to the Gods category you know. Adonis then says he's having more of a get together. He orders form sprrdy pita and the waitress takes hios ordere scroll. Hercules wants Bacchus to stay and throw a party. Hermes says that Olympus barely survives Bacchus bacchanals. Hercules, not popular begs Hermes and the Messenger God gives in. When they start the Bacchanal, even Hades is banning on the roof of the Underworld to get them to shut up! Nothing is happening at Adonis decides to go to the Bacchanal. Meanwhile everyone is making a mess of the Island. Poseidon is mad because he can't get any sleep. Dso thye know what tide it is? He makes a tsunami that floods the island. Now everyone wants to go to Adonis party. And Cassandra’s life jacket wans’t just a fashion statement. Hercules wants to ask Poseidon for forgiveness. They get attacked my a sea monster and Hermes saves Hercules. The monster captures Herc and Hermes and gives them to Poseidon. Hercules begs Poseidon to get the island unflooded. He wants some eye cream to get rid of the bags under his eyes from Argus the many eyed monster. He is friends with Hermes. Argus decides to give Herc the eye cream if he could get Cupid to give him one of his arrows. The Muses make cute jokes about Argus. Who he got his eyes on? Cupid wants to get rid of the Aphrodite song out of his head. So Hercules goes to the pool of forgetfulness. Hades Grecian Express card was rejected and he's mad. Pain and panic want flame proof shorts, for the next time Hades blasts them. Hephaestos owes Herc a favour, but he's a speaker at Phil's convention… They disguise themselves and they get the flame proof pants form Hephaestos. Bobby’s upset he wasn’t invited to Hercules party and never gets to do anythng and the Muses are going ot take him out for ice cream after the show with rainbow sprinkles. Hercules is about to confess, and Hermes rushes around giving the stuff to everyone and saves the island. Herc confesses Phil thanks him for telling the truth, but he makes Hercules AND Hermes do laps!
17} HERCULES AND THE UNDERWORLD TAKEOVER *
Herculles has cme to weral vengance on the scum who injured his father, but he’s just he stepped in a gopher hole … Oh. He wants Hercules to watch the sheep. Hero rule # 65. A hero is responsible. Meanwhile Hekate is on Olympus with her howling winged wolves, but minions aren't allowed on Olympus and they leave, respecting policy. Hekate tells the Gods that the Underworld is under perfroming. She even has a graph and a magic pointer. And Hades feels threatened. He runs one tight Tartarus! Hekate says she can do better, but Zeus isn't interested. We’ll do lunch,m Hekate says, Have your misions call my minions, Hades says.
Hercules is bored watching the sheep. Meanwhile pain and Panic are playing ping-pong with an eyeball. Hekate arrives, and they tell her that Hades is not presently in. Hecate says she'll wait and she sits on Hades' throne. She wants to do away with Hades and she has a magic crystal. On Olympus is getting gold. He wants a fur coat. Faux fur he tells Artemis. Meanwhile in the Underworld Hekate fires Pain and Panic, They go to Mount Olympus to tell Hades, but Hermes doesn't allowed them in and they go to Hercules telling them that the future of the Underworld is even grimmer than usual. But Hercules says he can’t leave the sheep. Pain and panic morph into a lion and terrorise the sheep and take the sheep away. Hades would be so proud… sniff. Hercules agrees to help if the sheep are safe … Heroes honour … They show Hercules the sheep, but the sheep go with Hercules. Hekate is draining Hades' power. She tells the Fates, Cerberus and Memnon about her plans to take over the Underworld - her primary focus to increase new arrivals starting with everyone on Earth!
Charon says that Pain and panic really blew it, but he doesn’t want any trouble wiuth Hades He just rows the boat. Hercules comes into the ferry with all the sheep. Hades is growing weaker by the minute. One of the sheep falls out of the boat and Hercules rescues it. A river serpent attacks them, but Herc knocks it out. Panic is growing attached to Pokey the sheep. Oo, soft… Herc is set upon by Hekate's minions and she says she'll be happy to bring him in … permanently. Hercules demands that Hekate return to haunting the nether regions of night. Meanwhile on Mount Olympus Hades is really losin' it. He tells Zeus he loves his like a brother and hugs him! His flame is out. Zeus doesn't know what to make of it, neither do the other Gods. Meanwhile Pokey the sheep is going to be a mummy. With Pain and Panic as the midwives! One of Hekate's wolf minions shows up and tries to eat the sheep, but Panic protects her. Meanwhile Pokey gives birth, cuuute! Hades is back in the Underworld. Hades comes back to the Underworld dejected. Meanwhile Hercules is battling Hekate's minions and about to smash the crystal, but Hekate stops him. The crystal becomes a crystal monster. Hades comes, but he's powerless to stop Her. The monster falls down and the flame in the crystal goes to …Hades. Badda Bing! Badda Boom! Hades is back in the building! And he fires Hekate literally! Hercules is back with the sheep. His adopted father is going on vacation with Pain and Panic looking after the sheep!
18} HERCULES AND THE COMEDY OF ARROWS *
A flower springs up in the Underworld. Hades blasts it. And the imps … sorry assistant agents of darknes, are reading Helle. Hades decides that love is bad for business. Icarus is jealous of Cassandra's new boyfriend, Melanthus. Cupid is spreading love and Icarus pretends to be a cherub. Pain and Panic pretend to be cherubs. Panic reminds Panic that they are Hades' right hand … thingies. Icarus accidentally makes loathe arrows. Icarus takes a loathe arrow with him when he is fired from being a cherub. Pain and Panic take the arrows. Hades likes! Can you feel the loathe tonight! Icarus comes to and Hercules breaks the loathe arrow. Pain and Panic spread the loathe arrows. Prometheus academy is closed due to war. Hades has captured the cherubs. Hercules goes to Cupid to help. Icarus is going to put passion back in fashion. Pain and Panic are trying to shoot Hercules and Cupid. The love arrows don't work, but Hercules, Icarus and Cupid go to Hades. Cupid tried to shoot Hades, but misses. Hercules frees the cherubs and they shoot Hades and he goes all lovey dovey! Hades needs a hug! The cherubs restore the love. Love is in the air, baby! Pain and Panic are about to shoot Cassandra and Melanthus. He shoots Pain and Panic and they hug! Icarus gives the loathe arrows to Cupid and makes up with Melanthus. Aww!
19} HERCULES AND THE HOSTAGE CRISIS
It starts with a group of usurpers called The People’s Organisation of Ztitanic Liberators - Pootles, angry at Zeus for the imprisonment of the Titans. Hercules is subjected to an oxen guts test. He's going to be a … librarian. Hercules wants to be a hero. The group of usurpers come to Prometheus academy to capture Hercules and makes the students hostages. Cassandra says being a hostage is like being with Icarus. Adonis says his daddums is rickher than a chocolate coated falafal bomb but caves when they prepare a boiling oil bath for him. They have to cooperate and everything will be just figgy.
Hercules wants to fight, but Parenthesis wants to use reason. They go under the aqueduct and Hercules has to fight a giant rat. Zeus has a strict no negotiating with Titanist policy. Hercules goes into his heroics warranting detention. Anteas, the leader of Pootles changes into a half Titan giant and beats Hercules. Helen is worried about her soufflé in the oven. Hercules comes to. Hercules wants the Titan to release the other students and he agrees. The Titan goes back to his normal self, and keeps Hercules as a hostage. Chippcales says Zeus is going to give the Titanists a one way tocket to Hades. Parenthesis dressed up as a soldier and Hercules escapes. The Titan goes back to giant size and Hercules gets captured again. Zeus can't fight with Hercules captured. Zeus goes to free the Titans. Hercules escapes again to the library. Helen's soufflé has taken over the kitchen and Hercules explosdes it over Anteas. Zeus goes to Po Po, Poseidon to reveal the Titans. They discover that the titan gets his strength from Gaia, the Earth. Hercules swings him around and throws him and he gets imprisoned with the Titans and Zeus gets Poseidon to close the hole. The Pootles get captured and Helen is distraught about her soufflé which didn't make it… Hercules realises that a hero should exercise his brawn was well as his brain and wants to spend some work in the library and Parenthesis says deal – if Hercules will teach him some of those totally radical spear tricks!...
20} HERCULES AND THE DISAPPEARING HEROES *
It starts with Meleager and Nestor playing bowls with Hercules, but Herc's ball goes straight through the wall. Meleager and Nestor are charmed by Hekate and she captures them. She also captures Mentor. The cop Chippacles is mourning failing Mentor. The heroes are being held suspended. She takes the heroes powers and makes a monster. Mentor is mad about losing his golden sundial. Hekate is mad she got a trophy with Hades. She’s resuming her quest for the Underworld takeover. They are going to try and save Odysseus who is in town for autograph signing, but her gets captured. The monster is going to use all his powers to defeat Hades, but he needs strength.
Meanwhile Herc is on Merv's talk show, to hopefully capture Hekate, though it doesn't work and she captures his strength and him as well … Phil and Chippacles rescue the heroes. Hercules goes wherever the battle takes him, even the Underworld ...Charon says Hercules sure comes down here a lot for somoenne who’s not dead. He suggests the multiple fare discount ticket and the frequent dier program … They use the monster's strength against him. Hades returns to the Underworld and Hercules threatens Hekate to tell Hades what happened unless they get their powers back and she returns their powers and the heroes play bowls, but Hercules bowls needs work and Ares is going to be on Merv's talk show!
21} HERCULES AND THE ARGONAUTS
It starts off with Hercules being depressed it at how long it's going to take to be a hero. Phil takes Hercules to meet Jason, as in Jason and the Argonauts. The North Wind is blowing and Hercukles begs Phil to go on this short leg of the questand Phil allows him to. Jason introduces him to the crew,including the bee keeper, but the other Argonauts are nit happy on this 'wild goose chase' for the Golden Fleece. Herculkes sticks up for Jason. Jason wants Hercules to steer the shop through some dangerous cliffs. The Argonaughts, bar Jason are not impressed. Jason is excited. The ship is smashed by a whrilpool amngst other things. The bee keeper confesses to the bees that he is not their queen. The crew make it to an island, wet and angry. Though when some pretty girls come, they perk up. Jason is not impressed by the nypmps, trying to keep them from their quest. Hercules retrieves the banged up ship. But the Argonauts tell Jason how they really feel and he gives them a choice and they choose to stay with the nyphs. It turns out the nymphs are hearding the Argonauts for a big monster to eat. The nymphs and the monster see Hercules and Jason. Who end up in a cavern. Jason loved a challenge, though Jason knew the Argonauts were losing faith, but not in him, in themselves. They see a bright light and the makr of the Golden Fleece. The nymphs lead the Argonauts to the monster, Jason gets the fleece, but he's disappointed that it doesn't do what it's fabled to do, but the fleece flies, but Jason is still disappointed, but Hercules tells him that he didn't quite. They save the crew, but loose Jason. The bee keeper release the bees and save Jason. The monster is hungry and the nymphs run away. The ship is flying and Jason is happy now and Hercules has to get back to training. Take us home, one quarter fleece power!
22} HERCULES AND THE DRAMA FESTIVAL *
Hades is in for a big surprise. Welcome to the Underworld’s research & Development facility. Hades wonders why he was never told about this place. 2 words. Plausible deniability. The imps have something that will blow the lid off the God Squad. A box. Pandora’s? There’s a crystal covering a lump of green. They take the covering off and Hades falls asleep and sucks him thumb. Hello? He didn’t order decaf! That has his attention. The Chronos stone that puts Gods to sleep though he’s not sure how to use it. Boys, he said you’re gonna find a little somethin’ extra in your pay check this week. Do we get pay checks? Pain wonders. Panic thinks he’s on direct deposit.
The Gods meet on Mount Olympus. Artemis, beloved Goddess of the Animals wants to restrict offerings to fruits and vegetables. Ares protests – can’t fight a war on celery and tofu! Zeus is getting tribute fatigue. The Drama Festival is to honour Mysenome. Hades fuming quite literally that there’s no play about him a God who’s got a real story to tell. Zeus say’s that’s rich and teases his little brother. We all know the Lord of the Dead isn’t exactly Mr. Popularity… No offence taken, son of Chronos, Hades says. The Festival is being held at The Prometheus Academy, Hercules’ school. Zeus wants to go the other Gods pretend they do. Hades is flaming up now as all the Gods will be there in the one spot. The critic’s things will be stuck up!
Herc is playing a rather bad Zeus with a mask. Icarus like the flaming phoenix will rise, the drama teacher is less than enthused. Lovely rehearsal, in a gruelling amateur way. Icarus prays to the Muses and Hades appears. Icarus thinks this is irony. Hades thinks it’s a match made in well you know… He tells Icarus the Avant garde win the awards and for Icarus to play him and Icarus needs to get under Hades skin and hades says his afterlife is an open book and Takes Icarus to the Underworld. Pain’s almost crying that Hades said ‘good job guys,’ like he cared… Icarus doesn’t look very…deceased when Hades introduces him. Badda Bing! Badda Boom! Time to make him a star. He teaches Icarus how to fry minions, you gotta extend your arms, throw your head back and Booga Bhooga! Icarus is up the river Styx without a paddle. And he works on his Hades. Do I sound like that? Hades asks? He tries to explain to the imps that he wants them to make a mask out of the Chronos stone for Icarus to wear.
Mutton loaf at school as all vegies were offered to the Gods. Icarus is a smooth operator with hair likes Hades now. He’s been a very bad buy. Eww! Cassandra says. Herc’s worried about Icarus getting too much into character. His skills are dead, or undead on. He says Hades is evil and Icarus says an actor doesn’t judge and thinks Herc is getting into character as Zeus always wants Hades to loose. Good Job, he says! Please excuse Icarus as he has business in the underworld. See you later, Big Bro! Hades is impressed with the imps second go at the mask. The imps give Icarus the mask from Hades and Hades geos to watch from a mountain top.
Ladies, gentlemen, dwellers of the nether regions, Hades is in the house! how’s my hair. Icarus asks. Knock em dead, the imps say. Figure of speech… Please don’t smite me the drama teacher beseeches of the Gods. Hercules fights with the imps as Icarus gets into character. Hercules’ leg goes to sleep when he’s near the mask. Zeus things Icarus is good, just like his little brother. Hades is aflame with excitement. Hercules wonders what to do when the Gods out for the count and goes into characters beseeching Icarus to take off the mask. They act the play then throw the mask…to Hades. And the Nemmy goes to Icarus and Hercules for acting out sibling rivalry! Cassandra blushes at Icarus’ excitement. The Gods wake up and Hades flames his imps…
23} HERCULES AND THE PHIL FACTOR
The landscape of ancient Greece is bursting with heroes. The adventurous Jason, the courageous Theseus and Philocetes? The muses disagree. There’s a statue of Phil lusting after a Nymphs that the Muses push away. Bobby brigs it back immediately. A powerful speaking voice can move mountains…
Phil and Herc are at Speedy Pita. Buuurp. A hero? Memnon is back and trading insults with Chiron. Putrid spawn of the Underworld! I like that! To the Putrid Memnon. Keep terrorizing. Memnon is chuffed. One of my best foes writes a scroll, I gotta have one and gets one for his daughter Nemona with an ‘a.’ See you in the Underworld! Chiron’s not impressed with Phil and Herc and shows off. The crowd laugh. Herc goes training, Phil is ignoring him, depressed. Herc says not to let it get his … goat. Phil’s reading ads for heroes. Herc suggests he start small. With a cockatrice… chicken terrorising Eleusis. We’re being egged to death! Phil goes hero shopping. PRICE CHECK ON SPARTAN ARMY KNIFE! He has to go and get a hero licence and gets 100% on the test. Hey you could teach the stuff the official says. Tell me about it! Phil doesn’t want ant help and it’s a GIANT chicken! And gets creamed and he fails miserably at the other endeavours he tries. He goes into the family business of spear selling. Pegasus gives him a sad goodbye lick and Herc a goodbye hug. Icarus sucks at hero training and so does Chiron’s obnoxious self-centred hero manual. Phil tries to sell spears to a customer and discovers it’s Medusa and runs screaming, trimming her hedges as he runs with his spears. He has door after door slammed. He reads that a catoblepas is rampaging in Corinth and gets excited to sell his spears. A spear seller’s dream! Location, location, location! Citizens please panic in an orderly fashion. Home fleers to the right looters and pillagers to the left. Herc arrives and Phil’s driving the citizens crazy with his sales pitch. He’s worried about Herc – no way is he ready for a catoblepas! Herc gets a temporary Hero Permit. If you’re Hades bent on this, do it right, Phil says. Let your ears be your eyes and he guides Hercules to hers the maniac bull into the sea. Herc climbs back up and is a hero. He says Phil is his hero and the town are relieved – no more spears sales!
Bobby, do that statue trick again the Muses plead. And the statue moves, and the head rolls off. We won’t tell if you won’t... Are you kidding? Bobby says. I wasn’t even here!
24} HERCULES AND THE ALL NIGHTER *
Dusk… the golden hour when Morpheus drags his pretty blanket of stars across Greece and parts of Persia. Every hero needs 8 hours sleep. Phil has a pink satyr plushie that he leaves with Herc. Herc is having no fun cramming for his finals and Cassandra and Icarus aren’t much help. Icarus says he is abnormally energetic. Cassandra jokes about beseeching Morpheus and they go. I joke they listen, she says. I see a rain of molten lead, no one even puts on a jacket. Hercules and Icarus go to Morpheus temple. He’s surprised as he’s never had visitors. He says they’d have to be a demigod or abnormally energetic. Hercules beseeches Morpheus to lay off the sleep thing for a week, but he says no, that he has the whole of Greece and parts of Persia to worry about. He gets cold and Hercules gets a blanket – the sleep blanket and Morpheus falls asleep. Icarus is delighted, Hercules isn’t so sure.
But leaves it on him. Everyone is tired, but no one catches a wink. Herc aces his finals. Cassandra is loving the no sleep thing. Herc isn’t so sure. Herc and co aren’t the only ones suffering adverse effects, Bobby says. Through Greece and Parts of Persia people are suffering sleep deprivation. Hades feels alive! Even the graveyard shift is booming! Boom boom boom boom boom! Your improbably giddiness Pain & Panic say. They think it’s suspicious. Hades thinks they haven’t slept…or brushed their fangs on days and that they’re just being paranoid, you little monkeys! They’re worried about Hades setting himself up for a big fall. Aww they care! It’s a wonderful afterlife. Hades says. Why don’t you stay for like ever! Pain and Panic convince Hades to follow the trail. The truth is up there to discover why no one is sleeping and Hades wants to make sure they jeep it that way.
Hercules is worried about Morpheus. Cassandra says lighten up! To Icarus and he growls to her to darken down.
Paranoid Pain tried to take off Hades ‘mask’ convinced he’s not Hades and he’s … mistaken and ends up flat against the wall. Hades wants them to make sure no one wakes Morpheus. Herc tries to take the blanket off, but fails. Phil’s excited and has made flash cards. He flashed one about Electryon and says he’d never been more embarassed about Electryon’s failure, except maybe the time he had a tree nymph and a water nymph mix up. Electryon fell asleep on the job and got turned into a rooster that can wake even the Gods. Herc’s off to save the … day!
Panic is panicking and getting ore paranoid. Herc in his sleep deprivation goes to the wrong place, gets attached by a bull that makes Herc promise not to tell that he didn’t smash him up. Herc goes 11 miles into Corinth to get Electryon. He has a hard time convincing him to help. These last few days have been a joy for Electryon, not getting blamed for waking everybody at the crack of dawn. Pain and Panic get all the roosters they can find in hopes of finding Electryon and go down to the Underworld. Hades says if they’re here, who’s guarding Morpheus? He fired them and a couple of the roosters too. Pain is convinced that he’s hades now!
Herc goes with Electryon to Morpheus and he’s mad with the God and pecks his face, but could him falling asleep on the job have something to do with the 9 course meal he ate? Hades convinces Electryon not to crow and that he can make him human again. Herc checks his sundial and it’s dawn! He opens the curtains and although Electryon tries to fight that darn rooster instinct, but he can’t and wakes Morpheus. The God of sleep tells him he has to give the souls back. What?! He jumped the gun on this one. But he gave Electryon his enchilada with him in it – at least it’s made with chicken he says! Anyone feel like a coffee Hades asks, then vanishes quick smart. Morpheus makes Icarus and Hercules take the blanket over Greece and parts of Persia…
25} HERCULES AND THE SONG OF CIRCE *
Winter gives way to the glory that is Spring. Through the campus, students bound with newfound energy … Hey where is everybody Bobby asks. He’s never heard of Spring break. Here Bobby, have a ball! The students are at Amphipolis beach. Helen missed a spot on Adonis. Hercules hits a volleyball so hard into the ground he hears an “Ow!” from Hades who comes up and crossly tells him that he may be having fun but some people are on the clock down here! He throws the ball back, bowling Herc over. Cassandra is hanging with Aristotle and Plato, aka her scrolls. Icarus acquires his target – Cassandra. Herc holds him back to no avail. Cassandra wants to be left alone reading on her deck chair. I don’t think so Icarus says and they accidentally rip the cross fighting. Cassandra is mad and yells at Icarus. Dejected he leaves, sniffling. He pretends he’s over her but he’s heartbroken. Every little thing reminds him of her. There’s a wold whistle and a sexy woman appears on the beach. All male eyes turn to her, even Adonis. She’s Circe, the enchantress. Mysterious, dangerous, evil… gorgeous, lovely, becautiful…Even Bobby’s under her spell. Icarus is enamoured too. She says she’s looking for a new boyfriend and the boys to all out to impress her, including Hercules and Icarus. In the end she chooses Icarus as he’s different and freakish and takes him aboard her clamshell to her island. Helen thinks Cassandra is upset. Is she or isn’t she? My the time they reach the island, 5 minutes away Circe decided Icarus is an annoying freak and turns him into a platypus, thinking he was a mistake and puts him in her zoo of past boyfriends. Icarus better than me? Adonis scoffs. Maybe when the Underworld goes up in smoke and fire… Hercules reminds him that the Underworld is smoke and fire and he want to go and impress Circe, Hercules wants to go to and tries to convince Adonis it’s to rescue Icarus. I knew you were as shallow as me! When there they both try to impress Circe. Cassandra can read in peace and she might even smile… She’s up to the chapter on friendship and can’t get Icarus out of fer mind and comes to the most terrible realisation of her life. She actually misses his freakishness! She’s not suggesting that’s healthy though. She foresees Circe tuning Adonis and Hercules into animals. Let’s talk about happy things Helen says. What do you think of the new Spring designs? She shows Cassandra a catalogue scroll. We have to save them! Cassandra urges. Ooh, and outing! Hercules is changed into a lemur and Adonis, a peacock and he adores his plumage. Icarus says it’s just like a school reunion, except we’re animals. At least we’re the property of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen. Is that so? Helen askes, telling Adonis she put on her best make up to rescue him and she’s not impressed one little bit and not falling for Adonis either. Herc whacks the bars with his tail and they bend – he still has his demigod, make that demi-lemur strength! And they escape. Adonis knows the way and he leads them to the throne room with Circe… He can’t help it, he’s a prince and it’s his homing instinct. Cassandra attacks Circe and they fight. You cane to rescue these losers? I k now … Cassandra says and for the last time Icarus is NOT by boyfriend! But he is my friend. Close enough for Icarus. He’s her friend and he is a boy. With Circe’s staff, Cassandra changes then back. Circe’s guards are really talking pigs. Can we go root around in the mud, ma’am? Knock yourselves out, Cassandra says. Circe admits she’s been a bit harsh. Cassandra breaks her staff. Adonis the peacock pokes out of the Amphora. Is it safe? Circe whispers to Helen how to change him back but for now she’s content to let him suffer. On the chariot-bus back to Prometheus Academy … No more obnoxious behaviour from Icarus, he promises. Watch where you stick those things! Herc says to Adonis’ peacock feathers. Oh you’re just loving this aren’t you? Adonis growls. I’ve had worse times… says Herc.
26} HERCULES AND THE TROJAN WAR
Homer, Greekly world news reporting… It was homecoming week and Hercules tells Homer about how they lost Helen. Everyone as pitching on with the decorating except Adonis that is and he thinks Helen is delirious when she wants to help. He says it’s fun to lord over them. He and Herc argue although Adonis is Homecoming King. Hercules suggests an election. Who’d be fool enough to run against me? Adonis asks. Call me a fool says Hercules! The tablets are on and Hercules wins. Adonis says his years of being king were good years. Icarus bows down to Hercules, Cassandra doesn’t. Adonis warns him about the weight of the crown. The Trojans come and vandalize Prometheus Academy’s statue. The Trojans shall pay with body parts! Yells Tempest. An outrage! – Icarus. They wouldn’t have dared such a prank when I was in power Adonis says. Hercules doesn’t want to strike back and escalate it but yells ‘Eagle pride forever’ to appease the angry crowd. He and Icarus go to the Trojan academy and commence operation payback – all in school spirit. They steal the statue and Herc throws it up and catches it a few times and accidentally breaks it. It was a gift form Hephaistos! Herc and Icarus flee. The school feels ashamed and dis their homecoming King. He says he’ll just be honest. You’re new are politics aren’t you? Cassandra says.
Hercules sits with Helen in the homecoming amphitheatre. Let’s hear it for our lovely Queen Helen and she’s cheers and our strapping (get woefully clumsy) Hercules and he’s booed. The Trojans lay siege with fruits, eggs and vegetables and it appears they take off with Helen. Icarus is going on a hunger strike until they bring her back. Ajax wants to pummel the Trojans. Amazon Warriors cut the ‘t’ off can’t Tempest says and we won’t travel to the shores of the river Styx alone… Adonis says he sued to get the servants to wash the statue while no one was looking and fire off a scathing letter to the Trojans. Icarus comes up with a crazy wooden horse idea and a letter. Dear Trojans, sorry about your statue and stuff. An olive branch – how very Athenian Paris says. They hear said Athenians talking inside ether horse and wheel it in. Icarus is so hungry he could eat a horse! They come out, disguise themselves and see Paris with Helen. The Trojans attack them and they also have a demigod, son of Poseidon. Cousin Otis who punches Hercules out. The horse has steam power. Adonis’ surrender is not accepted and the horse is stink bombed. It picks up speed and careens off a cliff and the wings aren’t much help and the horse is toast. The Athenians retreat in disgrace. What have you learned? Homer asks. That honour is met only by the sword – Tempest. That school spirit is best left to girls with pom poms – Cassandra. Democracy reeks! – Adonis. Being a leader is tough, Hercules says – don’t be swayed by the crowd – he’s not sure and worried about rescuing Helen and she comes to them. She was their guest. She had gone to troy to sort out the business and says the Trojans aren’t so bad after all and is going to the homecoming with Paris. Adonis screams. Group hug! Or not says Icarus. So, says Homer, she wasn’t even kidnapped. I gotta spice up this a little. Forget all this school rivalry stuff. We need a war, a 10 year war I’ll throw in Achilles and give it a tragic angle. Now we’re cookin’! Yowza!
27} HERCULES AND THE DREAM DATE
Aphrodite Goddess of Love… Her beauty and grace is known through the land… Bobby gets bashful talking about love. Tempest puts the Aphrodesia decorations up with her sword. Icarus can’t get his hair to stay down. It’s everybody’s chance to find new romance at the Aphrodesia Dance! For the fool who wants to fit in Cassandra says. It didn’t spoil Icarus’ chances last year… Both Cassandra and Hercules are off to find dates. Herc’s having trouble getting a date and feels dejected. He goes to art class and wonders how old man Pygmalion got such a gorgeous girlfriend who’s crazy about hi, Icarus says that word on the street is she’s made of clay and he invoked Aphrodite to make her real and bambo! She was! And Herc gets an idea and makes a statue of his own and calls upon Aphrodite. Your beseechment is important to us. Herc fusses about his clay woman. That’s curvy enough for you, young man! But hello? Her personality? Herc asks Aphrodite to make her crazy about him. Diggin’ deep, huh? Icarus puts his baby clay creations down, his beloved pots and they come to life with Galatea. Our babies! He exclaimed. Never mention you me and offspring in the same sentence again, Cassandra says. Adonis is certain he and Helen will be chosen king & queen of the dance. Everybody turns and whispers to themselves. I’m speaking here, Adonis says, then gawks himself. You did the Pygmalion thing Cassandra says to Hercules. I don’t know where I’d be without you, Galatea says to him. In a bucket in art class, Cassandra retorts. Adonis is gibbering. Helen goes to introduce herself and Galatea is instantly jealous and takes Helen to the powder room and threatens her with clay arms that is she even looks at Herc again she’ll rip out her vocal chords. Okey dokey Helen agrees, desperately and makes good her escape. Icarus is naming his pots. Cassandra Jnr. Cassie, Cassandie, Cassandie-Ra. Hercules things Galatea is perfect. It’s Mount Olympus on Earth she says when she’s back with Hercules. She and Herc vote themselves king and queen and Galatea alters the other votes and by unanimous vote they win! Galatea pretends to be surprised. That’s your uncle Hercules out there Icarus says to his ‘children’ Adonis insults Hercules and Galatea attacks him with her clay arms Herc tells her to put him down and says she’ll never do anything to displease him and neither will Adonis he agrees! Galatea obsessed about Hercules and Cassandra rescues hi, Herc wonders is she’s had a vision and she tells him she’s had extensive experience with obsession. Icarus sends his pots to attack Galatea and Herc flies her to a desert island and leaves her there, feeling guilty. She goes into the sea and follows him. In the absence of Galatea Adonis and Helen are named king & queen… After gamesAdonis father donates a sizable amount to the Academy. Galatea returns obsessed with vengeance and Hercules. Don’t play hard to get! She destroys the place and accidentally starts a fire and is trapped in it and the clay hardens. Aphrodite comes. I’m late and already you’re rioting… she sets everything all right again. Herc realises he’s been stupid, shallow and sexist and that Galatea deserved better. Aphrodite makes her human with a mind of her own and she fancies Ajax! Icarus is obsessing about setting Cassandra free, flying away like a bat out of the Underworld or is he? Pythagoras is over the moon when his clay love carries him off. Not everyone gets the lesson, Aphrodite says…
28} HERCULES AND THE BIG GAMES * (Apologies for any inacuracies in this review. I don’t have this episode and had to work off half the episode with very poor sound and the other half with no sound at all, damn it to Hades!)
The ancient Greeks have great games to celebrate their love of sports Bobby tells us including one held every four years. Prometheus Academy are trying out for the Big Games against Sparts and not doing too well. Jocks are Herc & Co’s natural enemies. Cassandra tells Icarus he’s ner natrual enemy. Herc’s going to try out for the Varsity tear. Icarus freaks out. Zeus is excited. He was a pretty good wrestler in his day he says. Zeus the Moose they called him. Athena and Ares are arguing as usual. Hermes says Bacchus ambrosia cakes are too nutty. Ares does not like nuts. Athena has one. Athena says Hades is the only one who enjoys these meetings. He tried to convince Ares to start a war giving him 15-20k souls easy. He even gives Ares a brocure of a Hadesn shiels of invincibility. There’s no cuch thing as a Hadean sheils of Invincilbility, is there? Hermes asks. Ares shows Athena the brochoure. Zeus is chuffed that Hercules is playing for Athens and sick and tired of Athena and Ares bickering like a cuple of 2000 year olds. He decrees the ‘war’ will be a sporting event with the winner receiving permanent bragging rights. Ares is man. Athena is delighted. Work those abs! Phil is jealous of Herc’s new sports coach. Hades is not happy either – there goes his war. He goes to see an old frined. Mooom, Lord of the Dead’s here to see you, the Cyclops says and Echidne comes out. A huge spread of bite sized human morsels, Hades entices.
The games are well under way. A story as big as Olympus and Herc is greasing Laurel reaths like an over fertilized tree. Athena is winning XX to Sparta’s 00. Ares is not impressed. Helen is one of out sexy cheerleaders. Herc is carried aorund by the jocks. Cassandra and Icarus are horrified. Phil is upset too. Cassandra foresees doom and gloom. Herc is disqualified and ditched by the jocks. Zeus sticks up for him and reminds him what being a true hero is about. Hades is up t his usual badda bing! Athens and Sparta are neck & neck. The monsthers crash the party. Phil is happy Hercuels is back as he attacks the monsters. Hades sends Echidne ot the party seeing Herc is trashing her kids. Athena and Ares have to team up to save Athens and Sparta and send Echidne packing. Hades is grouching atop the stadium… nobosy listens… Athena and Ares are inpressed with Hercules as is Zeus. He gets a laurel wreath fireworks and everything. Cassandra foresaw the jock thing wouldn’t last…
29} HERCULES AND THE JILT TRIP
Herc’s running through fields with his love, a dream sequence. Cassandra doesn’t know who to be sorrier for, Hercules in a dwal or Icarus pinned to his locker. Anaxorede wants to break up with Hercules and he’s heartbroken and in pain. Cassandra foresaw that but didn’t tell him because Hercules was so happy. Icarus tells him he has to read the signs as he’s edging closer to Cassandra and she’s edging away. Herc’s heart is not in his training and not to pry, Phil says but you seem down. Hercules tells Phil. So, Anaxorede gave you the ax he says. Just because you’re a hero in training doesn’t mean it doesn’t have to hurt. Open up, let it all out. Just don’t cry or anything. Herc is heartbroken. Phil wants Herc to get a new girlfriend. When you fall off your winged horse, you gotta dust yourself off and get right back on. Herc is going on about her freckles and sparkling eyed. Get over it already! Phil exclaims. He thinks Hercules needs adventure and real life or death heroic escapades and there’s an ad for a hero. Phil takes Hercules to king Tibias. The King’s daughter Numidia thinks Herc is cute but the king says that’s no reason to base a hero until Hercules lifts the king throne and all and he’s hired. He had to fight Garion, a 3 headed, 6 armed and 6 legged monster trashing the island. He saves a grateful sow but doesn’t do too well against the monster. Even throwing a fountain on him. Garion breaks Herc’s dolphin then goes for the monster. The princess comes out and Garion runs off crying. Herc things it’s heroics. Phil tried to get Numidia and Hercules hitched. Herc is stuffing his face. Garion is now rearranging mountains and Herc goes to stop him and they fight. Garion loses his locket and his footing and is very upset. He says his heats have been ripped out and his life has no meaning. Herc saves him and asks him how long they were an item. Four days! Garion howls. Oi! Phil says, not inpressed. He was in love with the princess she made his heads swim and he goes through the same dream sequence. Herc says just because he’s a monster he doesn’t have to pretend that it doesn’t hurt. Open up, Man let it all out. Garion cries. Oh please! Phil says, get over it! You two should be fighting not blubbering like saps! Fighting won’t mend a broken heart Garion says. Without an appropriate outlet for my emotions I reported to destructive behaviour. Aurora goddess of dawn – a new beginning – Garion needs closure. Of course I forgive you, you big lug! Numidia says, I’ll even invite you to the wedding – hers and Hercules! Garrison’s mad with Herc again and they fight. Hercules is trying to convince Garion he’s not in love with Numidia. The princess makes Garion leave Hercules alone and he runs off again. Phil things Herc and the Princess make a cute couple. Herc has to break her heart and doesn’t feel good about it and she runs off crying. Their love was so unique! She sees the same dream sequence. Herc tells her Garion felt the same way and she’s going to give him another chance. Herc’s back at school and Icarus says not to mention the break-up which is exactly what he ends up doing and Herc says he is cool with the break up. Then you won’t mind that Anaxorede just walked in with Ajax, Cassandra says... My heart has been ripped out and my life has no meaning! Herc wails.
30} HERCULES AND THE FALLING STARS
From time in memorial humankind has been awed by the glittering stars. The earth and the sky were in cosmic balance until a certain hero in training came along Bobby tells us. Archery is not his string suit and his arrow ricochets and shoots off Phil’s goatee. He sulks and wants a club. Orion form the stars says he’d trade his club for a bow and arrow and how he’s been ‘admiring’ Herc’s ‘archery’ lessons. Orion’s complaining about being a constellation for eternity, but Herc opens up the sky and frees him. Ever hear of the ‘Orion Cluster?’ Phil’s inpressed but says Herc can’t use the Orion Cluster as it’s banned in 12 City States. He’s worries about Herc learning from Orion who’s from a more barbaric time. Herc has to go to school and Orion’s wondering why people need moulded minds Icarus mixes up astronomy and astrology. Ptolemy the astrology teacher is worried about cosmic balance now Orion’s down here. Orion catches a cow for lunch and Herc convinces him to go to the cafeteria. Orion’s like Icarus’ favourite celestial body, next to Cassandra that is. Wider orbit buddy, she says… Orion goes upstairs and embarrasses Adonis. They go into town and he gets a ticket for not stopping when the stop amphora was up, He crushes it but not even constellations are above the law. He grabs the while meat spit from Gyro Wurld and eats it. He said no fear, no apologies, no regrets, Orion tells him.
Ahh! Helen screams – they sky is falling (Cassandra foresaw it) Aires, Leo, Scorpio, Taurus… It’s all your fault! Ptolemy says to Hercules. Orion’s going hunting. No regrets part Herc is worried about.
Artemis comes down and is going to spruce up a swampland and sees the big dipper and knows it’s Orion. Scorpio’s scaring Sparta’s army. Orion hunts and trashes more than one City State – the people are not impressed. He gives Herc a lion skin and Herc feels awesome. The people are angry with him and Orion. Phil’s not impressed either. They trashed 4 city states in 3 hours! The beasts escape and are coming for Athens. The residents of the other city states are giving up. SO this is respect. Phil says. The monsters attack; the people flee. This is a job for the Orion cluster. Orion, lay down your weapon! Artemis orders. It’s an extremely dangerous mess of stars you’ve unleased young man, she says to Hercules but it’s her huntaholic ex-boyfriend that’s the problem. She thinks Hercules can set things straight. Orion had almost destroyed all the critters with that cluster of his that Zeus wanted to smite him, but Artemis got him a cushy job in the heavens but the deal was he stayed there! Orion was bored – being a constellation is an honour, Artemis tells him and they argue. Phil hates to interrupt, but is anyone going to save their city state? Icarus reads a horoscope which says be yourself and Herc uses the Orion Cluster but in a modern Hercules kinda way, trapping the monsters in a net. Artemis, he and Orion put them back in the stars. The other people are still, of course, upset about their city states. They’ll rebuild, Orion says. Do the words personal responsibility mean anything to you? She makes him help rebuild them and Orion pay his dues – or Artemis’ll put him so far south, he’ll freeze all the way to his belly button, Herc helps. I foresee a touching moment, Cassandra says. Tell me when it’s over… Orion wants to go back – everyone’s too nice nowadays. He lets Herc keep the awesome lion skin. You’ll make a great hero, he says, maybe you’ll even get a constellation. Icarus reads horoscopes. Cassandra reads, that Icarus will go on a long, long trip, far, far away. He jumps into her arms to the stars baby! She drops him. Orion’s back making eyes at the Pleiades…
31} HERCULES AND THE GOLDEN TOUCH
Ah! What a night, Icarus says. Herc’s dreaming of being so famous he’ll be turned into a constellation. Icarus is nabbed by ninja agents. Herc fights them. Epsilon reveals himself and says they were testing him for a secret mission. They’re the Athens Intelligence Angent looking for a new kind of hero. The future of Athens is at stake. Herc’s not allowed to tell anyone about the top secret mission. He’s not just an agent, he’s a secret agent. Cool. Target: King Midas – who’s getting carried away and operating without any decent human restraint and is amazing enough wealth to buy Athens. Herc’s mission, should he choose to accept it, is to go to Phrygia and stop Midas any way he can. All of Athens is depending on him! Of course if he’s captured, they’ll deny all knowledge. Agent Hercules is on the case. Icarus shows him the latest in hi-tech, spy-tech and shows Hercules Daedalus (Dada-lus) inventions, including a clasp that when turned 91 degrees will release an array of curdled goat’s milk, a saddle that releases an olive oil slick and a belt with a grappling hook.
Herc goes to Midas’ palace, but sorry, sweetheart he’s not allowed in until Marigold, King Midas daughter comes and takes him in. He tries to impress her… badly. He has his grape juice crushed, not strained. Epsilon is there wanting his to get down to business. Midas comes and makes the red carpet gold and accidentally transforms one of the announcers gold too. The other one runs off. He wants a drink but it turns to gold. All that glitters is not gold he says, except here, ‘cos it is! He goes to his daughter and “Mr Lees” and tells Herc the streets are paved with gold. Marigold goes off to show Hercules around. Turns out Epsilon and Midas are working together – they chose Hercules as they thought he was dumb. Midas wants a lot of gold… t seems to be a problem that he can’t eat as it all gets turned to gold. Marigold hopes “Mr Lees” will be long in Phrygia. On his own Hercules goes into a secret room with a secret weapon that Midas plans to use on the other city states. Herc accidentally knocks a clay pot over and it breaks and he’s captured, despite the grappling belt. They use magical chains on him. Marigold trusts her father at first. Herc now knows Epsilon and Midas are working together and Midas demands proof that Hercules is the son of Zeus. Hercules calls Hermes who’s there in an instant. You beseeched? He sees Herc all chained up and is made to remove his sandals. Hercules realises it was a set up to get Hermes sandals so Midas can zip, zip, zip about, claiming the other City States, turning them into gold. Marigold now knows her father is crazy. One of Midas minions interrupts him and he turned him to gold. That is one gone cat, Hermes says. They struggle to get Hermes’ tiny sandals onto Midas’ big feet. What’s with the nutty machine, Hermes wonders aloud. Can’t take over the world without a doomsday machine. It’s just not done, Epsilon says. Now’s a good time to make with the heroics, Hermes says to Hercules. He talks about putting his clasp in the machine to sabotage it and when Epsilon tried to take it, he gets a face full of sour goat’s milk. Marigold frees Herc and Hermes. They launch Midas with the machine. Marigold is confident she can talk sense into her father. She does have that daddy’s little girl vive happening. Hermes says. They race to stop Midas. Hercules uses the slick saddle and Midas slips on some rooftops and crashed. He accidentally turns Marigold to gold and is horrified. Hercules suggests if he begs, maybe Bacchus will remove the curse. They go to Bacchus’ temple and Midas admits what a greedy fool he’d been and to make everything as it once was. So all the gold’s back to normal including Marigold and Midas’ minions. What an ending, Hermes says form the Heavens. Pure gold. Secret agent Hercules will be back in ‘From Sparta with Love.’
32} HERCULES AND THE MINOTAUR
Another day at the prestigious … Prometheus Academy and it’s Daedalus (Icarus Dada-lus) and his shop class. And he wants to construct a flying device fashioned from cypress reeds and sheep’s bladders but the school board thought it was too edgy and so much to his chagrin they’re making … bird houses and spit in the face of divine inspiration. Adonis things Daedalus is a loon and Icarus and he argue. My father’s a king! Adonis boasts. Oh yeah well my father’s the greatest inventist of all time, Icarus comes back. Dream on, Adonis says. Yes it is my dream, Daedalus says. Later on, he marks the birdhouses. One falls apart made of twigs. Scroll letters fall onto his feet all form King Minos of Crete. If you come, they will build it. Daedalus is going to Crete to build his wonder of the world. He tells the works to be careful with him boxes and it’s not exactly a warm welcome – nice work, Talos! Minos says to his giant robot. Better fish his new hired genius out.
Herc’s starting to make the flying device. Daedalus has had worse ideas, he says. He misses Icarus and Daedalus.
Meanwhile Minos wants Daedalus to construct a maze for a rather bad tempered Mino… Mino….tour. Minos pretends to have reformed. There was a treaty between Crete and Athens, Bobby tells us. An Athenian youth is to be sent to Crete to face an extremely ultimate vicious combat. Adonis says he’ll go but technically he’s the Prince of Thrace, not Athens and Herc goes so he can see Icarus and Daedalus. Daedalus has constructed his labyrinth. It’s not exactly a warm welcome when Talos throws another rock and Hercules is fished out of the sea and brought to Minos in a cage. The Minotaur says the maze is getting rather monotonous with all its dead ends. And that he can’t help being a monster – couldn’t help who his parents were. Minos and Daedalus are gloating and Icarus says gloating doesn’t become him Herc is about to fight the Minotaur. Daedalus realises he’s been had and tries to help Hercules but Minos says that’s ‘cheating.’ He Icarus holds out the thread them the thread and Icarus falls into the maze when the Minotaur grabs it and tried to find his way out. Icarus and Herc are trapped and Herc bashes through dead ends. Icarus says Dada-lus will freak if he sees the damage. Daedalus punches Minos out and goes into the controls of Talos. The Minatour comes in, Daedalus screams. Icarus tries to back through the last door and he thought flying too close to the sun was stupid – and it’s also a trick door. The Minotaur is chasing Daedalus around Talos shoulders. Hercules lifts up Talos – he’s string – abnormally so – Daedalus remarks. Herc shakes the Minotaur off and he lands horns first into the dirt. He and Herc fight and Herc uses he tree as a catapult – just as Daedalus taught him first term and catapults the Minotaur back into the maze with Minos trying to get out with his guards. He screams and runs away, the Minotaur roaring in pursuit. Herc and co row away from Crete. Daedalus is depressed. A shadow falls on them. It cannot be! Daedalus exclaims to see his flying machine. Need a lift? Cassandra asks – Adonis even paid for all the sheep’s bladders and Daedalus is happy – abnormally so!
33} HERCULES AND THE SON OF POSEIDON
Prometheus Academy are rowing on a ship and Hercules is saying what he’s going to do for heroics to impress the judges and accidentally wrecks the ship. Poseidon’s fighting a particularly strong three headed sea monster and his son comes to him for help. It’s important…
Hercules tells them at least they won’t have to mop the decks for a while, but the wet students aren’t impressed. Poseidon lifts the whip up wondering if they need a hand, Uncle Po, Herc says. Cousin Triton introduces himself and wants to go to landlubber’s school. Herc’s far from excited. Make a splash! Poseidon says, Make me proud.
Which is scarier, Icarus asks Cassandra – the dragon head or the hideous Cyclops mask? I’ll have to go with the hideous monster head you’re wearing now, Cassandra says. Icarus laughs at her humour. Cassandra has a vision that washing her hair was a complete waste of time as the ship arrives with a splash.
Triton appears to know all about Hercules and Co. Isn’t my cousin the greatest? The green skinned God says. I’m gonna be just like him, apart from the scales, the fins and the gills. Gum? He gives Icarus pickled herring flavoured gum from behind his gills. He shows Triton around including the volcano float.
Adonis float has a free growing out of its nose. Time to prune, people! Helen’s mermaid costume to too tight and some fellow help pull it off her. MID! Triton yells – Mermaid in distress and he goes to save ‘her.’ Herc tried to stop him and he and Herc make a mess of things.
Triton’s balancing bowls on his nose at lunch time, a trick a dolphin taught him. You talk to dolphins? Herc asks, can’t shut then up, Triton says. He sleeps and makes a mess of things. They’re serving fish sticks again, Triton is excited. Adonis is, as usual, being a jerk. He makes fun of Triton calling him an oaf fish. He causes Triton trip on some butter and Triton accidentally destroys the place. Herc’s losing his balance too. You won’t do that in an actual hero situation, Cassandra asks. Herc loses his temper regarding Triton. Triton hears him, gets upset and goes home, crying. He’s depressed at dinner with his Parents. Poseidon is going on about the monsters he’s fought and who’s boss. Elbows off the table Amphitrite says and he obeys in an instant. Yes angel fish! You’ve got to show them who’s boss, Poseidon says to his son. Triton sees the trident and takes it, accidentally releasing the huge 3 headed sea monster.
Herc is depressed, then Triton arrives on a wave to cheers form the students. He blasts Herc with the Trident – he deserved that then Triton starts being a jerk. Even Adonis is being chummy with Triton now. The monster comes for Prometheus Academy, takes the trident and wreaks havoc. Icarus decided to rescue Cassandra. Something tells me I’d be safer with the monster, she says. Triton is mortified. The floats float away. Adonis wants to schedule a family therapy session and be rescued... The dolphins carry him and Helen to safety. Adonis things the dolphin is pretty and it plays with him. My cousin talks to dolphins! How cool is that Herc says. They lasso the monster with kelp and Poseidon comes and gets his Trident back. Po is not happy! He’s going ot punish his sin, but Amphitrite steps in, Now Snookums, part of growing us is making mistakes, this is how we learn. Poseidon’s going to take the monster to the deepest region of the ocean, are you ready boys? Yes sir!
34} HERCULES AND THE TWILIGHT OF THE GODS
Herc’s training against a training giant and not doing too well and he’s being watched. The fellow, another glowing God comes to greet Herc and Phil saying he’s a big fan. He gives then his chiselled card – Loki, Trickster God of the Norse Pantheon. He proposes to Hercules to become an Asgardian God. Herc wants to take the gig. Phil’s worried until he hears about the Valkyrie warrior women. He also gets all ga-ga about Valhalla until they get there in the frozen North. Loki introduces Herc and Phil goes to find the Valkyries who massage him and serve him the sacred mead of poetry. He who drinks of it will speak only in verse. Phil guzzles it. Hercules realises the heroes here are dead, hence the deathly glow. Odin returns from the well of wisdom – still wise. Loki introduces Hercules and Odin tells him he already has a candidate for Thunder God, his son. Can we say favouritism here? Loki says. But as Odin is a wise and Just God he will consider Hercules. The Norse God Hermod, looks like Hermes, just with more facial hair. It’s to be Loki’s boy Hercules against Odin’s boy Thor. Thor is HUGE and Odin says no divine intervention and Loki, no funny business. Herc’s not doing too well until Loki die some ‘funny business’ and Hercules, much to Thor’s horror is given Mjölnir, Thor’s Hammer. Odin makes him a fully fledges God. His first act is to make it so Phil don’t rhyme no more… Herc flies off on Thor’s goat pulled chariot and Loki says have a great first day as a God….First and last… Loki goes to Free Fenrir, the wolf. Herc’s travelling through frozen Greenland and wonders if this is so cold how about Iceland – it’s actually nice there this time of year… He tries to change the weather and they crash. They find a cave which looks like the Fates cave back home and find the Fates there… They’re the Norns here. Phil says they’re double dipping! And ‘Atropos’ tell Hercules about Ragnarok, then end of the world and Loki’s trickery –that’s why he’s called a trickster, dummy! The three sisters leave – come on sister Fates… I mean Norns… Ragnarok, Fenrir, Mjölnir, Phil says. Anyone got a Norse to Greek dictionary? Herc and Phil go to Loki’s cave and try to stop him and the hammer flies out of Hercules hand and frees Fenrir. Herc and Phil get frozen. Thor comes and gets frozen too. Loki released the Frost Giants who start on their way to Olympus. Ragnaroook…. Rag…na…rok…Love your enthusiasm, Guys, Loki says, but Valhalla’s that way and they change course. Herc realises he’s not cut out to be a God yet and Thor says the Hammer will return to the Thunder God. Herc gives his power to Thor Ragnarok Has started and Fenrir is freezing Gods and heroes alike. Loki loves the writer of the prophecy and Fenrir swallows the sun. Thor and Hammer promptly get frozen and Odin appears in the Sky to Hercules and tells him he’s a hero that Loki hadn’t counted on. He forces Fenrir to cough up the Sun. Giants… it had to be giants… He uses the Sun to melt the frost Giants and kicks Fenrir’s tail clear across the land. He throws the sun back. In a way we have to thank Loki for bringing you here. Whoa, it’s the whole prophecy thing and now that’s just forgotten, is that what’s happening? Loki hopes, in chains. Thor invites Hercules and Phil to stay but Herc would rather go back to Greece. Why? Thor asks. What’s Asgard got that Greece doesn’t? Two words: Mediterranean climate…
35} HERCULES AND THE GRIFFIN
The Aurora Borealis, the magical Northern Lights. Many have beheld their beauty but few know how the beauty of this glorious shimmering display came about. Well surprise, Surprise, Bobby says. It begins at the Prometheus academy – doesn’t everything? They’re on a chariot bus going to the Elysian Sunset rest home for their adventure in volunteerism, not that they have a choice, Mr. Parenthesis says. It will look smashing on your permanent record. They’re going to meet living legends and others who have high opinions of themselves. Adonis foresees it will be a disaster and Cassandra tells him visions are her thing. Old people give Adonis the willies. Herc says heroes also bring sunshine to those who are in the sunset of their lives. Icarus says they can learn from older people like listening to his Dada-Lus who told him not to fly too close to the sun. Then you wouldn’t be famous for doing something stupidly reckless, Cassandra says. The Elysian Sunset rest home is the house of legendary Greeks such as Tiresias the seer who used to have vast knowledge, now they pin his room number on him… and Nereus, a once powerful shapeshifter, now all his animals need a cane. Cassandra sees Tiresias and he foresees the sarcastic teenager will sustain an injury – she says great work gramps, I got here 10 minutes ago, then she trips over his cane. Icarus sees Nereus and has great fun making his change shape. Adonis is making his charge wash his feet. Does wonders for the self-esteem. His or yours? Herc asks. It’s a win/win Adonis assures… Herc’s going to Mr. Griff, room XXIII. Mr. Griff does not like baba ganoush! Herc goes and gets a snowball in his face. Herc is determined, and climbs the snow covered mini-mounted in Mr Griff’s room. My Griff takes the fruit and throws Herc out – literally. Herc is determined to bring Mr Griff sunshine. On day 2 it rains and no luck with his flowers. Day 3 tuna fish on a pita roll. Icarus says Nereus has turned into a dolphin and jumped out the window. Hephaestus is now with Griff, reminiscing about old times. Herc seems like such a doof to him. Hephaestus reminds him of the rock he created, what mortals today call a diamond and gave the original to the Griffin to guard as he’s the best treasure guardian in the world. He was spied upon by the Arismapse who want to steal the treasure, but foils them each time. The king Arismap eventually gave up. Herc is impressed and goes to Homer at the Greekly World News who prints Mr Griff’s story on the front page. Griff’s not inpressed, he’s rather angry. He throws Herc out and he lands in the fountain with Nereus the dolphin. King Arismap now knows where the Griffin is and is going to take a stab at the jewel again. He laughs until he coughs. Any of you minions got a lozenge?
There’s a banquet in Griff’s honour, they’re having roasted cockatrice… Not bad for a doof he says. Tiresias has a vision about one eyes monsters carrying off a jewel and Griff freaks out. Cassandra says she had that vision 15 minutes ago and the thieves are probably in Crete by now. Wait! Icarus cries, you’ll miss dessert, ancient Greek biccies shaped like Griffins! Herc feels like a doof again. They go to get the jewel back and each want to go alone. Hephaestos makes them go together. Herc’s wearing a furry toga that he got form the Mediterranean mail polar range. They’ve been flying for some time and Griff says he needs a rest. He then kicks Hercules off Pegasus and says young people are too trusting and he goes to get the jewel back alone. Herc and Pegasus go to save Griff. Griff gets captured and tells Herc it was part of his plan to get frozen and captured, so Herc lets himself get captured before he realises how freezing it is!
Arismapse is trying to shatter Mr Griff and having a hard time releasing the icicle and the two trade insults like old men. Herc is tricked into releasing a cyclone and he frees both Mr Griff and Arismapse. Tiresias and Nereus come to help. Nereus has shape shifted into a large bird. Herc things a sport can be made of ice skating. The jewel gets caught up in the hub-hub, flies out of the window and smashes on a mountain, and brilliant lights appear. One angry Deity incoming Tiresias warns. Hephaistos comes and rather likes the Northern Lights, for anow everyone can enjoy them. Arismapse is upset nothin to steal, no reason to be evil. My Griff comforts him and says sure he can still be evil and they go back to Elysium together, trading insults…
36} HERCULES AND THE KING FOR A DAY
Phil’s terrified about facing some sort of monster … His mother. Ohh the chamber of horrors… Have you been eating enough greens? You look bloated. Why don’t you ever write? She asks. Training a hero’s a big job, Phil tells her. Salmoneus always writes she says. He’s been promoted to regional sales manager. Herc sees a mosaic of young Phil when he was just a kid training the next door neighbour to fend off a bully. Even then coaching was in his blood, Phil says. And blood all over the house, his mother says. Phil’s mother asks him to show Hercules around Satyrsville while she starts dinner. Herc thinks Phil’s mother loves him but Phil says she doesn’t seem to love him as much as she loves Sal – sales Satyr of the year. Hercules tells him at least he can talk to his mother, when he wants to talk to his parents he has to speak to statues. The Satyr’s are building a temple to Pan, King of the Satyrs. – Bet his mama’s proud of him, Phil remarks.
Meanwhile offerings to Demeter have been a bit down. Nemeses, Demi Goddess of Vengeance wants to smite them. Demeter’s going to send some warning locusts. Now Pan hadn’t given her an offering all year and Demeter’s mad about his temple.
The satyrs are praising him. Pan, Pan, you the man! Demeter appears and Pan tried to convince her it’s a fast food joint and she wants back offerings. She’s so angry she’s dipping into Fall (Autumn!) He tells her it’s not a temple it’s a restaurant. She leaves, leaving Pan worried. Phil comes for advice and Pan’s assistant whispers something into the king’s ear. He leaved Phil in charge of the Harvest Moon festival and makes him king for a day and a half - that outta impress your mum - Hercules thinks there’s something fishy about Pan and his assistant’s hasty departure.
The Gods are getting offerings and Nemesis is going to smite the bum who have Ares apples. He gives them to Demeter. No offerings form Pan and Demeter gives Nemesis the go ahead to smite him.
Phil’s sitting pretty, but even being king’s no excuse for being late for dinner. Sal never is. Phil’s depressed now. Later at the Harvest Moon festival Phil sends for his mother. She’s still not impressed. Move aside, the floor show is starting! As they prepare the gift giving ceremony, Nemesis appears and is going to smite Phil for hubris, getting too but for his furry pants. Phil thinks it’s cool how Nemesis can make weapons from her hands and arms. Phil’s ‘mighty’ (bumbling) army is no help at all. Phil’s mother is still unimpressed. Nemesis says he’s only half a man (half goat) and she bashed Hercules away. While Hercules is on his way back, he seen Pan and grabs him, taking him back. He’s going to give back those offerings if he doesn’t like the deal, Nemesis can ‘cut’ him a better one. They fill Demeter’s bowl with the fruit and other things including a model of Pan’s ‘temple.’ Nemesis wonders why she even sharpened her arms. Demeter says to Herc to stay with Phil – he’ll be a hero in no time... His brother comes home and their mother has made pasture pot pie and Sal says she never shuts up about Phil and his work, hero training. She’s proud of both of them – it keeps them humble… Their sister’s pot business if going through the roof! Hercules, eat up! What sort of a hero doesn’t eat?
37} HERCULES AND THE PEGASUS INCIDENT
Herc’s studying, but Pegasus wants to play. He throws a discus past Olympus into outer space and Pegasus goes to fetch. Herc gives his speech and Pegasus comes back proudly with the discus and gets Hercules in trouble – no pets at school! He Mr Parenthesis gives him after school detention – for a week! He’s not happy and tells Pegasus to go away! Sad, the horse leaves and sees a Chimera threatening Lycia. The town officials, Bellorophon and Cletus aren’t doing too well. Pegasus rescues Bellorophon, who’s very grateful and they hi-5 each other – hoof and hand.
Meanwhile Herc’s looking for Pegasus, handing out missing scrolls. Phil shows him the Greekly World News and Pegasus and Bellorophon made the front page. They get a local bus there. Phil’s bored by a Cyclops salesman and Hercules is boring the teeth off an old woman. Hades take me now! She thinks. When they arrive, Herc wants to see Bellorophon and takes off the door. Bellorophon has renamed Pegasus ‘Ignatius.’ Pegasus is still upset with Hercules. Hercules is sorry. The Chimera returns and Both Bellorophon and Hercules try to mount Pegasus/Ignatius, and crash into each other and fall on their butts. Herc takes off on Pegasus, Pegasus is still upset. Herc gets whacked off and Cletus catapults Bellorophon onto the horse. Bellorophon is upset about his statue and Oh Hades! He’s upset about his new spear getting wrecked. Pegasus stamps on the spear and the statue head goes hurtling into outer space, comes back and the Chimers breathes fire onto it and accidentally swallows it and keels over. Bellorophon gets cheered. Herc is upset that they look good together. Nice job, Ignatius! Bellorophon says. Pegasus seed Hercules looking upset and decides to go to him. They stay for the celebration. The Chimera will reside in Lycia’s petting Zoo. Phil’s upset none of his heroes got such a shindig that they’re throwing for Belloro-phony. Cletus returns with a magic bridle which will make any horse obedient. Ignatius ‘decided’ to stay with Bellorophon. He orders Pegasus to kick Hercules and he does right against the pillar, accidentally freeing the Chimera. Controlled Pegasus and Bellorophon aren’t doing too well. Hercules works out that Pegasus isn’t doing anything unless Bellorophon orders it and catapults himself onto the horse, rips off the bridle and destroys it. Pegasus is himself again! They save Bellorophon and put him on top of a building and stop the Chimera. Hercules whirls it by its tail and throws it clear across the hills. Bellorophon says he’s sorry and offers Pegasus a reward to stay, but Pegasus and Hercules are a team that are going to do everything together, including detention!
38} HERCULES AND THE BIG SINK *
The lost city of Atlantis, long revered as the enlightened, cultural centre of the ancient world, like a dream it was gone. A mystery that has baffles human kind for centuries… until now, Bobby Tells us.
Hercules is playing with an Atlantis City snow globe. Super cool! A must have! Icarus agrees, walking an invisible Cerberus with 3 collars. You can only get these here! Cassandra is not the Summer vacation type. Homer pops up and asks if she’s seen a disaster or has a puppy. Disasters and cute animals - that’s what sells papers! Cassandra foresees Hercules and Icarus tickets to the Centaur show being worthless. The centaur has a freak accident. She foresees tourists falling down the hole and Hercules saves them. Icarus says it’s creepy that Homer is following her around – how can you stand it? Years of practice, she says. She foresees molten lead falling form the sky. Hephaestos spills some. Hercules saves a baby in the way. All of a sudden Cassandra is popular and is heartened that they believe her visions. They pressure her for more visions. Icarus is playing with the snow globe and she says she foresees Atlantis underwater and will sink. The people flee. Stop the scribes! Homer yells and dashed off. Hercules is worried about the fake vision. Cassandra says to relax that no one believes the Greekly World News anyway. It’s all fake. However it’s on the front page of every paper! Atlantis is deserted, dust balls roll the streets. However Croesus, the owner of Atlantis city is not happy and foresees doom for Cassandra, which will require the help of a cooperative God. Hades! Badda Bing! And I thought the Underworld was dead! Croesus needs to book a cruise on the River Styx for someone who’s not currently ill. Hades says he’s a God, not a hit man. Croesus cuts him a cheque. Are those decimal points? No, they’re commas. That’s a lot of Zeroes, Hades says. Could buy a lot of brimstone with that. He yells for his minions. You bellowed Pain says. Croesus wants Pain & Panic to take out Cassandra. She’s about to appear on the Merv Griffin show. Pain and Panic fuss with their make-up and transform into women who pretend to fuss with Cassandra and carry her off. Croesus bribed the Fates to go on Merv’s show and vouch for Atlantis. Herc puts tow and two together and works out who has Cassandra. Hades has left a burn mark on Croesus carpet. Casandra confesses that she made it all up. Croesus says one of the checks he cut was to Hades. Yowza! Cassandra says. She says she’ll do a public confession, but when there she really foresees Atlantis sinking and the minions take her to the torture chamber and are excited about all the toys. Croesus beseeches Poseidon who arrives with a surfboard out of a fish bowl. This had better be good. Croesus cuts him a cheque. That’s a lot of sardines and he sends a sea monster. Icarus tries to communicate with it by screeching and doesn’t do too well. Pegasus and Hercules don’t do too well either. The Fates have taken their show on the road. Herc crashed the monster into Croesus tower and the Fates accidentally cut Atlantis loose and Atlantis begins falling apart. The assistant agents of Darkness (imps) are still marvelling at the torture devices, especially the Ab gutter plus, a portable device. I’ve always wanted one of these! Panic says, Hercules rescues Cassandra and the Atlanteans. Hades is mad as the cheque bounces as the bank went under – literally and he’s come back for his minions – ohh he cares… He’ll never telly anyone though! See you in 10 minutes, he says to Croesus. Make that 5 – you can’t swim. Badda Bing. His moinions carry off the ab gutter plus. Herc’s saving more Atlanteans and Cassandra says it’s so much better when they cause the trouble and she sarcastically comments. For he’s a jolly good Demi god! For he’s a jolly good Demi god! The saves Atlanteans cheer and Cass hugs him – he’s all right thank Zeus! Thank Poseidon Herc says and Homer is excited about him being a hero now and Pegasus kicks him back into the ocean…
39} HERCULES AND THE BIG LIE *
Hummus again at the school cafeteria. Herc’s not mad when Andromeda the new girl gets hummus all over him. Icarus is ecstatic that the Myklos comic book convention is coming to town! Cassandra is ecstatic that Hercules is going to accompany Icarus instead of her. She calls Andromeda fluffy – it’s her species. Icarus teams up with another fan who says tickets will sell out father than Myklos and his evil twin, issue XXIV. Honesty! Bravery! Fair play!
Meanwhile Hades’ boys have been on new disease duty for a month and Hades isn’t impressed. He wanted diseased, not fashion victims. They saved the best for last – Catastrpohia! Hades tells them to put the cure (only because Zeus had decreed there has to be a cure…) where Apollo don’t shine. He wants Catastrpohia spread like hummus on a fresh baked pita!
Herc’s training and not doing too well, upset about having to go to the convention and worried Andromeda will think he’s a geek. Cassandra teaches him how to lie at Cassandra’s school for shading the truth and he stinks at it. This is gonna take work. Adonis says belittling commoners never gets old and is making fun of the geek-los conventioneers. Herc goes to the convention much to his chagrin. He wins a chiselled scroll with Myklos (an actor in a suit) and lie that he has Catastrpohia. He feels lousier than the sludge at the bottom of the River Styx. Phil says to tell him the truth. Pain and Panic are spreading Catastrpohia and pit it in the food at the Agora. Icarus is distraught that Herc has Catastrpohia. She had a vision that Icarus finds the cure and he dashes off. Whoa double vision – and that he gets crushed by Briarius the 100 handed giant. She’s off to tell Hercules.
Hades is singing. ‘Swing low, sweet chariot…” He’s not impressed that no one has come to the Underworld yet, nor that someone knows where the cure is. The imps are playing with a Myklos toy. Icarus tells Briarius why he wants the berries. Herc comes to rescue Icarus. In your condition get back into bed, Mister! Herc tells Icarus that he lied. He takes Briarius challenge and the Imps come to foil him, Briarius throws them away – he plays hard, but he plays fair. After dodging and smashing many of the giant’s hands, Herc gets the bush. Briarius grabs him as he falls. Icarus tells him what Myklos says about fair play and as it turns out Briarius is a BIG fan! Herc confesses and Icarus forgives him. Briarius gives them the bush and gives the chiselled photo to the giant, the actor in the suit is terrified as they chisel the picture. Myklos rules! Myklos rocks!
40} HERCULES AND THE PROM *
The Underworld, domain of Hades, a dark and bleak place for most who dwell there. Bobby tells us. Pain says he loves it there! It’s the bestest place ever! Panic agrees. Hades is sitting on the shoulder of one HUGE beastie, Estragon trying to make him join Team Hades. Estragon pours over Hades’ contract – me not know!
Icarus has a disaster of his own – which tux to wear to the prom. He’s still trying to get Cassandra to say yes to the be his prom date – not in this life time she told him. Tempest got an Alpha plus for her broad sword in metal class. Hercules tries to ask her to the prom, but she’s not interested in the overrated social ritual. Tempest of mortified when her locker falls over, her stuff falls out and Hercules finds scrolls of Greek Teen Scene with Orpheus and to find Tempest is smitten with him and her greatest shame that she can’t get enough of that dream boat and she don’t go ot the prom with Hercules in this lifetime.
Orpheus, a golden throated minstrel whose heavenly voice can melt even the most vicious of hearts… Bobby’s smitten too.
Herc wants to get Orpheus to the prom, but Cassandra says the day Hercules gets Orpheus to their stupid prom is the day she slow dances with Icarus. He takes that as a yes. Herc announced he’s getting Orpheus to the prom and Tempest says if he does, she’ll be on his arm at the prom, if he doesn’t she’ll cut off his arm. Herc doesn’t have much luck with Orpheus and tried again and again.
Estragon is going over Hades’ contract again, He wants Orpheus and Hades promises to get him, much to Pain and Panic’s excitement! Me happy now! Estragon says, grabbing Hades.
Icarus insults Orpheus using reverse psychology and it works. Pain and Panic go to get him, but they’re too late. Hades is not happy that the deal clincher is performing at Jerkules’ school. He gives Estragon front row tickets. Get out your tuxes, boys, we’re goin’ to the prom!
Prom night at the academy and everywhere students await the happiest night of their lives, Bobby says. Kill me now Cassandra says with Icarus. Her father fusses over the chiselled picture and wasn’t his casserole to smile. Icarus shows everyone. Hades appears to Orpheus. Lord of the Underworld, howya doin? Pain & Panic Hug Orpheus. I’ll never wash this claw again. They make off with Orpheus. Hades disembodies big head tells Herc where Orpheus is. Easy for you, Icarus says – you have to risk your like rescuing Orpheus from the Underworld, he had to stall the manic crowd until he gets back!
Hades has a crowd of dead people and Estragon and is telling bad jokes that Charon says he can tell better ones as he ferries Hercules across the river Styx. Herc tricks Pain * Panic and goes into Orpheus room with the Star on the door. He gets Orpheus but gets lost. Icarus isn’t doing too well either. Hercules is depressed. Orpheus says that Hercules has make him see he sold out for fame and Hercules has saved him from him! Hades’ disembodied hand grabs them and takes them to the stage and advises them to save the yakkedy yak until they were topside. And that the concert is the last thing Hercules is gonna see. Are you ready to rock!? Hercules exclaims and the crows goes wild. Own a genuine piece of Orpheus’ clothing! He throws it at Hades and the crowd mob him. He returns to the land of the living with Orpheus. Estragon gate-crashes the prom. Tempest of furious that he ruined her moment with Orpheus. Hades is enjoying the destruction and helps himself to some punch and cake with white frosting. Orpheus insults Estragon and hurts his feelings, Cassandra says the party ‘show’s starting to perk up and amidst the destruction Hades says if proms were this much fin I woulda gone to mine! Estragon goes for Hercules and Orpheus. Icarus throws him the lyre and tells him to sing like the wind. Now would be good! Orpheus sings and even has Hades Pain & Panic dancing. Estragon throws a pillar at them and they land back in the Underworld. Tempest tells Hercules he’s not such an insufferable dolt after all and Cassandra just wants the slow dance with Icarus over. Orpheus is not going to sell out anymore and Estragon becomes his roadie!
41} HERCULES AND THE SPARTAN EXPERIENCE
Herc & co are cloud watching. Herc sees a hydra defeated by a hero. Icarus sees him and Cassandra amongst wildflowers. And I’m supposed to be the one who sees grim visions, she says. Helen comes to them, worried about Adonis, he hasn’t been to school in a week! The Grecian Parcel Service arrive with a wooden box with holes in it. One of Adonis servants pops out and Adonis wants Hercules his ‘buddy’ to come rescue him from Sparta. Icarus will be Hercules’ sidekick. Bon voyage sys Cassandra.
When there, Herc warns Icarus how rough Sparta is. They sneak into the complex in a laundry chariot. The driver says they got most of the blood out of the Uniforms. Icarus and Hercules disguise themselves as new recruits. They find Adonis who’s bribed one of the other recruits to peel potatoes for him. They find Adonis has been conscripted into the Spartan Army as he can’t become king until he passes Spartan Basic Training. Hercules and Icarus are about to leave when Agamemnon comes in and orders Adonis to peel potatoes. Herc says he’s going to help Adonis get through Spartan Basic Training.
Ares pays a visit to the new recruits and sings Sparta’s anthem, which
Boreas the north wind hates as it deals with Ares kicking his butt. On his cloud, Boreas is mad and not gonna take it anymore.
Agamemnon realised Adonis was not singing along I with and makes them 10 10 laps. Icarus, getting into the training and sporting a crew cut, says that 20 is more fitting so they do 20 laps. They do some rigorous training. Adonis screams and runs away when he sees a spider in the tube. He pays 2 recruits to carry him. At the end they’re all pretty exhausted. Tomorrow’s the big test – if one fail, they all fail. Adonis is terrified and wants to run away, but Herc and Icarus won’t let him leave. I’ve got my eye on you, Icarus says. Mummy! Adonis clutches his satchel. By morning he’s done a runner with Icarus’ wings. Icarus wants to inform the SMPS – Spartan Military Police. Hercules things that’s a bit harsh. Adonis loses control of the wings and lands on a cloud near Boreas, who’s making the very busy Hermes listen to his ranting. Boreas plans to level Sparta. He blows and accidentally blows Adonis back to Sparta. Icarus loved talking military. Simple minded Hercules, Adonis says, that he won’t have to do the test and tells them of Boreas’ plans. But he does have to pass to become King of Thrace.
It’s time for the new recruits to perform. They tell Agamemnon about Boreas, but he doesn’t believe them, thinking they’re trying to get out of it. They begin and so does Boreas. Adonis’ father is impressed. Boreas bows the training obstacle with Hercules, Icarus and Adonis clear off the course. Adonis tells them that Boreas hates the anthem and they begin to sing it. Adonis is afraid to go into the tube – there might be bugs! Just pretend your thrown is on the other side, Hercules says. I don’t know... Adonis says, nervous. And there’s a commoner sitting on it, Hercules adds – Get off my throne! Adonis roars, tearing down the tube. Herc traps Boreas in the tube. Adonis dusts himself off, taking about the bats. Hercules throws Boreas clear of Sparta and Ares is impressed with the new recruits, but since Hercules and Icarus are Athenians, they can’t get medals. Icarus is distraught. But Thracians can! Adonis’ father is inpressed that he let the 2 commoners do all the world – you’ve got a gift, Son – Leadership! Icarus messes up his hair again.
42} HERCULES AND THE COMPLEX ELECTRA
Herc’s gets his lunch and sits down. He finds out Cupid went wild in the cafeteria and he missed it and he’s depressed. Thanks goodness I had a shield. Cassandra holds up a tray with an arrow embedded. Tale a lesson form the Love Doctor Icarus says. Physician heal thyself, Cassandra says, but go on. You’ve gotta let her come to you, Icarus says. The cafeteria serpent gets loose and attacks Herc & co. He goes to saves Electra, but she tells him she’s no damsel in distress. Herc is smitten. She’s a transfer student from Macedonia, home of grunge poetry and the pomegranate juice craze. Edgy! Herc wants Cassandra to introduce him but she warns him Herc’s not her type. They go to The Pummelled Pomegranate, a sultry club. Cassandra comes here a lot, her home away from Icarus. Icarus acts like a pirate. Cassandra, damsel of doom, the usual. 3 pummelled pomegranate juices. Hercules wants milk. Whatever. If he’s to make it work with Electra, Cassandra tells him he’s got to tone down the positive vibe. A fellow is putting the moved on Electra and she’s not happy, but she doesn’t need a knight in a shining chiton either as Hercules gets up to intervene. Electra creates a storm and furies. He fights the furies and at frist doesn’t do too well. He returns all dirty and Electra is impressed with his second hand threads, Herc pretends he rescued them from the garbage and pretends to be nonchalant. He’s just got to not be himself…
Herc combs his hair down and sports a fake goatee and pretends not to care, even about corrupt, oppressive school rules, Radical… Mr Parentheses makes them take down the posters ot the gig at the pummelled pomegranate and Electra calls him an oppressive tyrant and Herc wants to let it pass, but Electra is mad that the system oppresses artistic voices like hers. She’s furious again and the furies come. Herc goes out the door, dons his hero uniform and fights them, then goes back and pretends to be nonchalant, than fights gain and goes back again dressed in dark robes. Electra says they’ll never crush her spirit. Parentheses has had enough and gives them detention for a week. Electra says they’ll be martyrs and it’s a badge of honour. Phil’s gonna kill me, Herc says, depressed. Electra is impressed with him standing up to Parentheses. See you at the Pummelled Pomegranate. Maybe. Or as the club boys say, Arr! Icarus says and Cassandra warns Herc he’s heading for trouble. Technicalities, Icarus says. Cass is not impressed. Herc’s over the moon and they go to the Pummelled Pomegranate. Electra recites an anti-hero poem and Herc gets mad and says heroes protect them and they should be grateful. Electra’s mad he lied to her and the storm and the furies tear up the place. He isn’t doing too well against the furies and to prove he’s a good guy, he ‘rescues’ Electra from the furies. She tries to tell him they’re her. They fly one and the others give chase. They land and Electra, exasperated tells Herc the truth. She pats a fury and it’s tame. They’re her anger. She likes them as they give her an edge. She says Herc isn’t worth her rage and tells him she’s mad with him for pretending to be who he’s not and storms off. Hercules is back to normal, but Cassandra’s home away from Icarus has been destroyed - how is that a good thing? Herc says he met some different kinds of people, heard some kooky poetry and fought furies. You can put a positive spin on anything, Cassandra says, or as the club kids might say, Icarus says, Arr, Laddies, stay the course through the furious squall, arr!
43} HERCULES AND THE LONG NIGHTMARE *
The dawn of Greek civilization, a bleak outlook, Bobby tells us. Coming Soon: Greece. Developer Zeus. Zeus assigned tasks to all the Gods. Ares, the god of Love and Cupid the God of war… there were a few bugs to work out. Until there was only one task left, the God of Sleep. Two brothers, Morpheus and Phantasos vied for the job. Zeus gave the job to Morpheus and Phantasos was not happy. Zeus said he has the same problem with is little brother Hades.
Dreams come with sleep and under Morpheus starry blanket, Hercules if dreaming of going to meet his parents on Olympus, a fully-fledged God. Phil’s dreaming of nymphs.
Phantasos has finished his blanket he’s been making since the dawn of time. He’s impressed with his bedspread of dread. Now to tuck everybody in. Sweet screams… In Herc’s dream the hydra comes and rips him away from his parents. In Phil’s dream, Hercules is fighting the hydra and losing badly. Herc falls out of bed and is relieved it was only a dream. Phil, now awake asks Herc to pass the fertilizer for his morning grass. He tells Herc they had the same dream and Herc says it’s impossible. Phil says I’s ancient Greece where Gods give birth through their heads. Anything’s possible. Herc has to make the school barge and make it back in time for sword practice this time. Everyone at school had horrible dreams. Icarus is relieved Cassandra is still here. In his dream, she was running away, found his wings and flew into the sun. It scared the bezeus out of him! Cassandra wants to trade dreams. In hers, she was washing dishes with furry vermin and had 7 small room mates all called dopey. She doesn’t need another curse…
In Herc’s dream the Hydra east him. Herc wakes Phil and goes to get himself a midnight snack and admits he’s afraid to fall asleep. Phil’s going to get him some warm goat’s milk.
Meanwhile Zeus has called a meeting at a most ungodly hour. Even Hades is in his jammies with a spider night cap. Zeus is concerned with who’s at the Gods Approval list. Hades says Zeus is always at the top, apart from the time he dropped a bunch of thunderbolts on Pompeii during sweeps month. Ou was I busy, he says, it was good… But Zeus is concerned with who’s at the bottom of the list and it’s Morpheus and Morpheus is taken aback. Zeus tells him about the bad dreams and Morpheus tells him there’s no such thing dreamland is a happy place. Maybe the God of Sleep’s got something wrong with his blankie! Ares says. But Morpheus takes good care of it, even washes it in soft water. Zeus thinks the blanket is not at fault when it puts the other Gods, including Hades to sleep. Phantasos says he can explain the bad dreams that Zeus gave the job to the wrong God and his brother needs a long vacation. Phantasos shows Phil singing lullabies to lull Hercules to sleep. The Gods cover their ears. Morpheus wants Hermes to take a letter to Hercules.
Hermes arrives and tells Phil is would have been more merciful to hit Hercules with a rock. Morpheus has summoned him and they go to the God. Morpheus tells the angry mob to write their dreams down and pass them under his door. He’s worked out Phantasos is using people’s fears against them and to beat him at his own game. Phil says Herc will need his trainer and they go to sleep under Morpheus’ blanket into dreamland. Morpheus isn’t good at confrontations and needs a hero to turn Phantasos most powerful weapon – fear – against him. In dreamland Phil is confronted with his mother 50 foot tall. His mother becomes the hydra and Phil tells Herc to fight his fear and not to be afraid – it’s just a dream – go be brave over there. Hercules begins to fight his fears and says you can do anything in a dream if you put your mind to it and defeats the hydra. Phantasos becomes another huge monster which Hercules easily defeats. Herc, Phil and Phantasos all wake up and Phantasos is defeated and depressed. Morpheus is impressed with the clever blanket and the use of cross-stitch and that is it wasn’t so evil he’d be proud. Phantasos is dejected and Hercules tells Morpheus that bad dreams may not necessarily be a bad thing that it prepared him to fight the hydra in real life and made it less frightening.
Zeus congratulates Hades on regaining his position at the bottom of the Gods Approval rating, Morpheus says dreams have a cathartic effect, mortals dealing with issues in their sleep and asks Zeus to make Phantasos God of dreams and the seniority thing was a dumb idea. Does that mean- Hades starts. In your dreams! Zeus says. He decrees dreams not be too scary, but there’s no problem with showing up at school naked… All the Gods laugh, even Hades…
44} HERCULES AND THE ARABIAN NIGHT *
Hades is upset that Hercules is always in his face. Pain and Panic come telling him a new arrival gives the willies. Hades checks it out. The new arrival is Jaffar. Hades tells him he’s dead and he’s not inpressed with the scourge of Agrabar. Jaffar appears in Hades’ throne room and sees him plotting to overthrow Olympus. He talks about being thwarted by Aladdin. Hades talks about Hercules. Of course Hades can remedy Jaffar being dead. What has he got to lose? He gives Jaffar his life back, as long as he holds his staff. He can have his revenge on Aladdin after he takes care of Jerkules. Go, get down, get funky, get nasty, Babe!
Hercules is training and mostly doing a good job, Jaffar conjured monsters come and he introduces himself., Herc doesn’t do too well at frist, but drops Phil’s house on Jaffar and he lands back in the Underworld, He’s never had to deal with super strength. Hades is very surprised to discover Aladdin is a mere mortal. Mommy hold my hand, I’m scared… He makes fun of Jaffar and is not impressed and says he’ll take care of Aladdin and introduces Jaffar to his minions and tells him they’re housebroken – usually. Jaffar tells him of Iego, his treacherous parrot. Hades explains he doesn’t get his hands dirty and sends Pain & Panic off to do his dirty work. He shows Jaffar the scene. Pain & Panic don’t do too well against Aladdin with their bumbling. They release the Genie who punches them back to the Underworld. Hades admits Aladdin has got more than he gave him credit for. He talks to Jaffar about priorities. Jaffar is seething and wants revenge and tells Hades his laugh punctuates his evil. You are such a freak, the Lord of the Dead says. They come up with a plan to pit Hercules and Aladdin against each other.
Abu and Icarus in their respective parts of the world follow a trail of bananas and are kidnapped. Jaffar laughs again and Hades is unimpressed. He becomes an old man and tricks Hercules into thinking Aladdin has kidnapped Icarus. Hades says deceit, his minions can do. They morph into Hercules and kid Aladdin that he’s kidnapped Abu. Hercules flies of Agrabar. He and Aladdin fight and chase each other. Phil hits on Jasmine until he discovers she’s married. Hercules on Pegasus and Aladdin on Carpet. They get trapped under a bunch of rubble and work out they’ve been set up. Hades turned off the vision thinking they’re goners. Hercules gets rid of the rubble. Aladdin and Jasmine are shocked to discover Jaffar is alive and it doesn’t take them too long to discover who he’s in league with. Aladdin and Hercules make friends as do Pegasus and Carpet.
Hades says Jaffar can have the Underworld when he takes Olympus. Herc and Aladdin gatecrash the Underworld, Jaffar fights them only to discover they’ve switched places. Hercules breaks Jaffar’s staff and he’s dead again. Hades says he always knew Jaffar was a jerk and what could be more aggravating than this. Icarus and Abu start hitting him. Take that, Underworld Boss! Drop it right now, Hades warns and I won’t make you permanent residents! O…kay. At least he warned them! Atop the world, Aladdin and Hercules congratulate each other and say their goodbyes. Icarus wants a monkey.
45} HERCULES AND THE AETOLIAN AMPHORA *
Bobby tells us ancient Greece is the land of heroes and a hotbed of mythology and gets upset that he’s not narrating this episode, (he didn’t get the memo scroll) but he’s okay since it’s Hercules. Hard to believe just yesterday he was a normal teenager until she walked into his life. But it doesn’t star with her. It starts with him. Hades. He’s missing an Amphora filled with Lethe water. Hades is a God with a reputation to uphold and wants Pain and Panic to bring it back, Panic’s forgotten who Hades is after he sticks his fingers in the river Lethe, but it’s coming back to him when Hades blasts at him. Fear and Terror, Ares sons are also important to the story. They have two tickets to Orpheus’ Never Look Back concert, though Ares grounds them after they’ve tamed his dogs of war, rolling around for a tummy scratch. They want him to forget he grounded them.
Megara shows up and pretends to come on to Hercules. Adonis thinks she’s there for him. She’s not. She wonders is wonder boy Hercules for real? Surreal Cassandra says. She wants him to find her ‘grandmother’s’ amphora. Hercules narrator says he should have quit there and gone to bed, but he didn’t. They go to a night club but aren’t allowed in even after Meg charms the door man. Hercules waits until someone gets thrown out and the go in. Meg confronts the Centaur, who they discover sold the Amphora to Ares’ sons. So Meg and Herc go off to Sparta, sneak into Ares, temple. Fear and Terror have placed it above the door so it will spill on Ares when he walks in. Herc and Megara comes in. The Amphora falls and Herc catches it. Meg leaves in a hurry leaving Herc behind. Depressed, and heartbroken, Herc finished his story he doesn’t want to remember Meg but says he’ll never forget her either. One of the women listening says she saw Pain and Panic take her away, Herc goes to the Underworld – as do Fear and Terror. Meg wondered what could be worse than eternal torment in the Underworld, She’s got a point, Pain says. Herc gets the Amphora and Meg tells him she wants it to forget Adonis, the jerk she went out with once. She says she liked Hercules form the beginning and feels bad for using him. Fear and Terror nab the Amphora. Pain and Panic want it for Hades. The Amphora flies into the air, pours all over Meg and Hercules, then falls and smashed, fear and Terror are upset and Pain and Panic wonder what to tell Hades. Herc and Meg forget each other and go their separate ways. Thalia the Muse wants to see more of grown up Hercules and Bobby’s back!
46} HERCULES AND THE ROMANS *
Hercules makes a model city for Mr Herodotus’ class which he accidentally destroys. Icarus gets away before the gong but hasn’t made one yet. He’s going to the library to copy some stuff. He flies to the great Library of Alexandria, Bobby tells us and is checking out a bunch of scrolls, city planning made easy… Icarus flies over Rome. Romulus and Remus’ scrolls for Gods come back as there was no zip code. Icarus flies too close to the sun again on the way back and lands in Rome. They think he’s answered their call for Gods.
Hercules is worried about Icarus and Zeus calls Nemesis to help as she’s an excellent tracker and a nice kid once you get to know her… Now let’s get the job over with before she smites him.
Icarus is lapping it up. There’s no place like Rome. They’re going to throw a festival in his honour.
Nemesis and Herc trace Icarus steps to the Library of Alexandria and even Nemesis has to be quiet. She’s upset she can’t smite anyone. You don’t have to yell, she says, upset to Hercules who says she can’ smite or wrongdoings, including pretending to be a god. And when they get to Rome, she wants Icarus. He asks is she’s a nice demi Goddess of vengeance. Icarus is trying not to be a God now. With a battle cry, Nemesis is after them. They slide down an aqueduct. That was fun! Icarus says – can we go again! No, because Nemesis is after them and is going to make it slow and painful. Hasta la vista, false God! The people also want the false God to pay. Ra, the sun god comes, with two of his followed, stomping of Nemesis and addressing the people with his staff/microphone. He wants to destroy the Colosseum and put up pyramids. The people are horrified. Icarus and Hercules in quite a predicament speak to the people about protecting all they’ve built and are not sure about the new Gods. The Gods attack and are stopped by Hercules, Icarus and the people. Nemesis still wants revenge and fights Ra and don’t do too well. Zeus and the Greek Gods come and to the people’s relief doesn’t want to level the city, but the patriotic Romans want Roman names for the Gods and Icarus names them. And everyone’s happy bar one God. Pluto!? What sort of a name is Pluto for a God!? I wouldn’t even call my dog Pluto!
47} HERCULES AND THE YEARBOOK *
Bobby gets a bit ahead of himself talking about Hercules’ grown up life with Megara, but he’s going somewhere with it, but he promises there’ll be some teen shenanigans. Herc and Megara are moving in together and he’s erected a hero monument in every room. The movers stumble in with an amphora with his stuff form Prometheus Academy and Hercules freaks out and asks Hermes to take it back to Phil’s Island. Megara is curious, but he’s desperate for her no to find out. And yes she takes Pegasus and goes to Phil’s Island. Phil tells her how embarrassing his high school years were. He squeals with laughter when she sees Herc’s picture in the yearbook scroll. Phil says Sisyphus got it easy compared to him. He tells her about the time Hercules sunk his island, but the king of dorks goes to his best friend Icarus who thought he had a girlfriend and tells Meg all about Icarus and Cassandra. Icarus, the odd kid went into business with his father and made millions and Cassandra was recruited by the Oracle Friends Network, Psychic Cynic ot the Stars they called her, Just as Hercules arrived, desperate and screaming, Megara takes out his Gyro World suit and reluctantly Herc tells her about the time he worked there and lost the sun, then she learns about Galatea. Beautiful yes, Herc tells her. Prefect, no. He then tells her about graduation day and his braving all manners of minsters and the Underworld to get there in time. They all graduate except for Adonis who’s one point short and has to attend Summer School and the Prince screams. Herc throws his cap up, accidentally demolishing the school grounds. Megara says she bets he’s not invited back for Alumni weekends and Herc is upset she might think of him as a loser now, She isn’t and sings to him. But Hercules had Hermes go on a mission when he discovered what she was up to and retrieved her yearbook and she’s terrified now! You were a cheerleader?! Look at that hair! It was the style at the time, she tells him, tryiong to grab her year scroll off him…
48} HERCULES AND THE ODYSSEY EXPERIENCE
Of all the heroes in ancient Greece, none was more steadfast than Odysseys. Bobby goes on to tell us of his exploits and that he couldn’t even buy a break, but he didn’t give up and nor did his wife, Penelope who were both reunited. Odysseus cashed up big time. Odyssey mania swept the land and even a certain young hero in training flocked to the show. Vic Cassandra’s dad gave Hercules a ticket to the show as Cassandra was in one of her moods. Odysseys signs Hercules scroll of The Odyssey. He tells Odysseus it’s his favourite scroll. Odysseus introduced Telemachus to Hercules. Telemachus is having a hard time in his father’s shadow. He hasn’t read The Odyssey. Epic poetry doesn’t do it for him. Two now unemployed Argonauts are exploring the Odyssey ship. The ex-skipper Lyceus and ex bee keeper. Vic accidentally lets King Aeolus magical hurricane out of the bag and it takes off with the Odyssey with all aboard. Penelope is worried about Telemachus. They get State Trooper Chippacles on the case and at first he thinks Telemachus has run off, then he thinks it’s kidnapping. They get another shit and go after the Odyssey. Penelope goes with him – the last time he left she didn’t see him for 20 years!
Lyceus declares himself captain and it begins its way into Siren territory. The bee keeper gives Telemachus bees’ wax and he puts it into his ears. He’s going to give Hercules some but it falls overboard. Telemachus gives his to Hercules because he’s strong enough to restrain them all and he ties them up – he doesn’t hear them telling his desperately to steer the ship and it crashed on the rocks. The Sirens high 5 each other. The bedraggled crew find their way to an island. They look for tools and food.
Chippacles doesn’t believe The Odyssey. Vic and Lyceus go into a Cyclops cane and get trapped there. Hercules helps rescue them and they run away from the three Cyclopes and get trapped on a plateau. Herc rescues them with the raft and run off the plateau into the water. Both Odysseus ship and their raft get trapped between Scylla and Charybdis. Telemachus goes to save his parents and Chippacles becomes impressed with Odysseus. Lyceus is impressed with Odysseus’ gold. Zeus comes and gives them a hand and tells Odysseus the Odyssey is the hot read on Olympus. Odysseus is proud of Telemachus and introduces him to Zeus. Doesn’t he just give you fist sometimes, Zeus asks. Don’t even get me started, Odysseus says as Zeus takes them all home.
49} HERCULES AND THE GRIM AVENGER
The city of Athens, by day a glorious metropolis. After dark, a place of mystery and shadows. Very soon the Grim Avenger will be avenged... and Bobby’s upset someone else is narrating. The temple of Athena starts to crumble amidst laughter.
Hercules reads in the Greekly World News about the laughing maniac who’s toppled two temples in two nights. Another Prince comes to Prometheus Academy, Theseus, Prince of Attica. Cassandra is smitten. Both Adonis and Icarus hate him. Herc and Pegasus go after the Temple toppler. Herc finds the Grim Avenger narrating to himself. He and Pegasus don’t do too well against him. They learn that that Grim Avenger isn’t the Temple toppler. He suddenly sees his former foe (Hercules) in a new light. He blindfolds Herc and takes him to his barge and tells him the Minotaur is the nemesis. Herc offers to help him, but the Grim Avenger is a lone wolf. A solitary warrior for justice. An heroic team up? Cool.
Theseus is the Grim Avenger. Icarus is mad Cassandra is swooning over him. Cassandra can see herself at Theseus’ party in Aphrodite’s Temple. No one believes Hercules when he tells them the temple will be toppled. Welcome to my world, Cassandra says, imagining herself running to Theseus, ignoring Icarus in her daydream. The Minotaur’s laughter is heard. Hercules discovers the Identity of the Grim Avenger and after some bumbling with their gear, they’re off. This business with the Minotaur ends tonight, he says. Hercules thinks he’s being harsh. He tells Herc lead, follow or get out of the way actually he’s doing the leading so just follow or get out of the way. They trap the Minatour and in doing so, topple Aphrodite’s temple and the people flee. Adonis is the only one that’s happy. Icarus gets hurt and Hercules is mad. Whoa! Ick says coming to, that horseradish packs a punch! Cassandra is relieved he’s okay, but his leg is broken. Ohh, you care! Icarus hugs her. Hercules and the Avenger go after the Minotaur. They chase him to Temple Row where every God in Greece has a franchise and Herc’s so mad to accidentally topples more Temples than the Minatour and he starts narrating his deeds. Then realises he was being pompous and turn the Minatour over to Zeus and the Gods who send him back to the labyrinth he hates. Icarus is desperate for someone to sign his cast, though reluctant to get Theseus, but let’s up in the end and Theseus chisels it for him. Cassandra’s off in her daydream again, but this time Icarus shows up with chocolates which she reluctantly takes. Theseus is going back to Attica and Hercules keeps his secret and Bobby’s back to narrating (clears throat) The End…
50} HERCULES AND THE SPRING OF CANATHUS *
Bobby is going ga ga over pottery of baby Hercules. Hercules is fighting off a fire bull, courtesy of Pain & Panic. He is relieved his egg is safe. Hades is upset. Hades is upset that ‘Operation Bull’ went down under. He gives the imps “Operation Last Chance.”
The students are caring for their eggs. Icarus made wings for his egg. Adonis made a crown for his. Hercules accidentally trashes the classroom but his egg is safe. Cassandra cooks hers.
The Fates tell Pain and Panic, who are wanting to go back in tome and finish the job Hades set for them getting rid of Hercules, about the Spring of Canathus which will turn someone into a baby with one squirt, back with two. The Imps go to get the water amidst much danger.
Icarus teaches his egg to fly. Icarus tells Cassandra he’s already been fried. The imps have a water gun and accidentally shoot Adonis who’s transformed into a baby. They’re all surprised. Baby Adonis calls Hercules Jerky. Icarus is also transforms when the imps miss. Pegasus puts himself in the way of the next blast and is transformed into a foal. They finally get Hercules and Cassandra thinks or hopes it’s all a bad dream. She’s not ready to be a mother! Baby Adonis and baby Icarus fight over the water gun and Pain is accidentally transformed into his baby self. Panic accidentally confesses to Cassandra, fussing about the babies and not happy she has to change diapers. Cassandra and baby Hercules force Pain to change them back. She fusses over the babies as Panic takes her and the kids on a wagon to the spring. Baby Hercules is flying on baby Pegasus and finds a beehive he thinks is a ball. Panic is touched that Cassandra seems to care about him. No one cares about him he says, apart from Pain and Hades, which is rather a tough love… Cassandra gets Hercules to throw the beehive at an attacking serpent. Cassandra does think the babies are rather cute. The Stymphalian birds attack and Panic saved Pain. Cass worried about the babies and Panic fights the birds under the guise of a monster cat. They make off with Cassandra, She’s worried about the babies. Did she just say that? The birth put her in the next with a huge egg and Cassandra knows she’s baby’s frist meal. One of the birds accidentally knocks the egg out of the nest into the river below and tries desperately to rescue it. Cassandra climbs down and rescues the egg. It hatches and the baby thinks she’s its mother.
The snake attacks again and Hercules stops it. Panic protects the babies when the birds come back, but it’s all right, they’ve brought Cassandra back. Panic says Hercules is his hero. They change the babies back. Hades appears and asks about ‘Operation Last chance’ then asks why everyone is wearing diapers. He picks up pain. Ech. Never mind, I don’t wanna know and he goes back home again. Panic says he and Cassandra made a great couple. Cassandra explains it all on the way home. They’re grateful to her but Herc begs her not to let anyone know she changes his diapers. I’ll do your homework for a year. I’ll carry your books 25 miles…
51} HERCULES AND THE BIG SHOW *
Live from the Celebrity Amphitheatre, the Merv Griffin show! Herc’s the guest on Today’s show. Tell me about the real Hercules. Merv says. The scroll starts and
Hermes comes to speed things along making it a moving scroll. Hercules’ mortal parents are in the audience. Merv shows some highlights of Hercules career and shows some of his earlier raining and more…clumsier exploits. He introduces Pegasus and Phil. Hercules says the secret to being a hero is remembering the Hero Rules, but admits he doesn’t remember them as well as he should. Herc wants Hermes to skip over the embarrassing parts. Icarus comes to the show. He and Herc have been through a lot together Hermes shows Icarus’ exploits then onto Hercules’ exploits with Hades, his minions and the Underworld. Anybody feel like a cup of coffee? Hades and the imps are watching and Hades is ticked off that Merv called him a nincompoop. Hades tales over Merv’s show and chains everybody up. Beat it, Cat! He says to Hermes, whacking him back to Olympus. Hercules is whacked off too and ands in a fruit cart.
Hades shows the magic that is him, like the time he diverted the river Styx. He says he has a soft spot for Athens, but he says his lady, his life and his love is the Underworld and shows Pain and Panic’s exploits, those mighty morphing minions. Merv’s inpressed with them Hades has a steaming cup of coffee with a big H on the cup. It’s not easy being the most beautiful God in the Universe. Adonis has his servants carry him and Helen in and demands his spot. Helen is okay to wait. He has sis servants rush out again when they see Hades, but Hades grabs him and Helen. He’s Impressed with Adonis, but Helen has gotta learn to be more open minded. Once you get past the flames, the fangs and the stench of Death, hey Hades is a regular guy. Adonis and Hades want to humiliate Hercules publically. Hercules has gone to Olympus for help. Hades says they’ll be right back…
They Show Adonis’ exploits. Helen sticks up for Hercules and sings a song about him and shows more of Hercules’ exploits. Hades sips his coffee. Herc returns with Hermes’ sandals. He frees Merv and Icarus. Icarus chases off Hades minions. Hercules is given a thunderbolt by Zeus and Hades gets cold feet. Hey. Just kidding around, you could hurt somebody with that… like me! Hercules gives him a warning and Hades is off back to the Underworld.
Merv has his show back and Zeus is honours to be a guest, he’s always wanted to get into showbiz…
52} HERCULES AND THE TIFF ON OLYMPUS *
Hestia has thrown a party for Hera and Zeus’ anniversary, Zeus arrives late, been out smiting. He’s forgotten their anniversary and Hera’s upset. Hades shows up, the party’s heating up. Hera makes a door and leaves. Zeus roars and deflates Hestia’s ambrosia soufflé. Hades tastes some and likes. Hercules beseeches Zeus and he’s late. He gives Zeus a date scroll, but Zeus is cross and says he’s disappointed. Hercules wants to impress his parents with union labours. Dubious, Phil looks in a scroll and finds King Diomedes’ man eating mares.
Hades is pacing to go to Olympus and puts on some ‘old spite’ cologne. He hires another minion to attack Hercules form the inside. The minion is Neurosis and he’s a neurotic mess.
Hera is in her room and Zeus won’t apologize. Hades pretends to care and Zeus has to go off to vent his anger. Where are his thunderbolts! Hermes gives Hades an invite to Hercules party for Zeus and Hera. When he’s gone, Hades burns it in his hair. Hades fibs to Hera that Zeus had gone cloud-hopping with Bacchus. She’s upset and Hades starts talking to her further driving in the wedge.
Hercules is at his party, though no Zeus and Hera. Hercules realises they’re not coming. Though the other Gods are there. Neurosis shows up and begins to mess with Hercules’ mind. Hestia has made a huge Pegasus cake. Hercules goes to cut it but slips on a banana peel Neurosis throws, slips, destroys the cake and Hestia is not impressed.
Hades is sweet-talking Zeus. He says Zeus needs some down time and gives him the key to the Underworld and fibs about Hera. It takes a lot to makes Hades hot and he’s just getting warmed up!
Neurosis comes to school with Hercules and is messing with his mind again. Hades messes with Hera and makes her breakfast. Neurosis makes Hercules fall off a tree. Phil is not impressed with Hercules – he can’t see Neurosis. Hercules goes to fight the mares and is outnumbered. Neurosis is meddling with his head again.
Hades has called a meet on mount Olympus to keep things going and for someone who can take the heat to replace Zeus.
Herc’s not doing too good against the mares and Phil’s worried and tells him to quit. Neurosis messes with Hercules mind and he’s losing – badly.
Zeus is moping in the underworld and hears Hercules begging for help. Cerberus finds Zeus’ cloud, plays with it and destroys it – bad dog! Zeus realises he can be omni-present and goes into a statue. Phil beseeches all Gods – the entire table of them appears. Do you mind we’re in emergency session, Hades says. Hera comes on a cloud. Zeus and rescues Hercules and the man eating mares flee. They say they weren’t disappointed in him, just having a little tiff. Zeus and Hera apologize to one and other and realise Hades played them. Hades flees, but Zeus grabs him. Neurosis feels bad for failing Hades and the Lord of the Dead tells him to put a cork in it…
SECOND SEASON (1999)
53} HERCULES AND THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
It starts off with Hercules's greatest challenge of all - High School! All the Gods and Goddesses are hyped, man, says Hermes! Two words - re-lax! Hercules meets Icarus, but things don’t go well for Hercules. At lunch time Icarus introduces Hercules to Cassandra. Living a deluded fantasy if the only way to survive this Underworld on Earth, she says. She sees the roof falling on the new guy. Hercules has a go at Adonis, but ends up laughing stock. After school, Herc is training, but he's distracted … It matters to Hercules what everybody thinks. Pegasus comforts him. Hercules wants go to the realm of monsters to prove himself a hero. Echidne wants her son to eat a somebody. Hercules arrives, but the monster thinks he's a nobody. They want to eat somebody important or they think their mother will eat them. The last couple of family reunions there were some empty seats. There was talk… Hercules tells the monster that he's a student at the school, and the monster goes to the prestigious school and is going to eat Adonis. They get Parenthesis to chisel a picture of them having Adonis to prove to Echidne that they’ve eaten a prince. Hercules fights the monster and Cassandra's prediction comes true. Adonis takes the credit, but Hercules doesn’t care what the others think.
54} HERCULES AND THE VISIT FROM ZEUS *
The Prometheus Academy students are showing off their geography models. Adonis paid professionals to make a working volcano model. It erupts all over Hercules’ model of the world and he gets an incomplete. He later complains to his father about Adonis and Zeus says you gotta show him whose boss. Hercules gets upset and says Zeus won’t last 24 hours as a human teenager and leaves. Later Zeus reduced his size and appearance and Hermes gets him a toga to fit.
Meanwhile in the Underworld, Hade wants to switch places with Zeus. Cerberus uses Hades model as a chew toy, then licks Hades and plays with Pain and Panic. Huge poochie, small Pain and Panic…
Herc and his classmates are playing dodge ball. Overconfident Zeus takes out Adonis in disguise but the use of his powers. Adonis wants revenge and says that “Zack’s” about to discover he can be a very royal pain. Hermes says that Zeus used his powers and technically didn’t take up Hercules’ challenge and thus gives his powers up for 24 hours.
Cerberus is tearing around the Underworld with Hades in tow. Cerberus plays with the Fates eye and Hades picks it up and sees Zeus turning mortal, gets excited and kisses the Fates.
Hercules in crooning about Adonis’ defeat and Cassandra likes his petty side. Adonis humiliates ‘Zack’ with ‘kick me signs and more. Nobody knows what it’s like to be me, man! Zeus cries. That was authentically adolescent Hermes says.
Hades gets Cerberus to sniff Zeus’ chiton in his temple and go after him.
“Zack” is depressed and Hercules tried to cheer him up to no avail. Cerberus comes to the school and goes after “Zack.” Hades gloats knowing who he really is. He’s large and in charge! Hercules drags Cerberus by the tail. Zeus admits who he is and that he did it to prove Hercules wrong. Hercules grabs a pillar and tosses it for Cerberus to fetch. The pooch gets it and runs back with it. Herc throws it again and Cerberus returns with the pillar. Tenacious beast Zeus says. Tell me about it, Hades agrees. Hercules throws the pillar again. Hades says to Cerberus the idea is to fetch them. They run up some stairs to a temple, Cerberus following. Zeus says maybe the puppy is tiring out. They sing a lullaby about Morpheus to Cerberus and he falls asleep. Zeus and Hercules reconcile. Hade things Cerberus is cute asleep and says he’s ‘touched.’ He blasts them. Zeus 24 hours of mortal dom are up. Somebody might have told Hades about the time limit… He’s learnt to fry first, gloat later. He climbs onto Cerberus and makes a dash for it. Zeus hurls a thunderbolt and Hades winds back up in the Underworld…Oi…
Hercules thanks Zeus for becoming mortal and Zeus sees Adonis showing off. He’s practically wearing a ‘smite me’ sign…
55} HERCULES AND THE DRIVING TEST *
It starts off with the Elysian Fields, a place of eternal rest and relaxation. Hades is mad because he can't go there, and it's just a brimstones throw away … and it's restricted.
Helen shows up at the mall, being very popular. Adonis wants Helen to come with his royal self, and Helen wants Hercules to drive her chariot home, but Hercules admits that he hasn't got a drivers licence, but he's planning to get one by tomorrow.
At night Hades goes to Mount Olympus. G'day Mate, Zeus says. How’re things Down Under… Hades wants to go to the Elysian Fields for his little venture. Apollo goes by right on schedule, You could set your watch by that guy. Hermes comes with the Hercules report and Hades is mad at being interrupted. Zeus blows his hair out and says he should make a wish. A death wish… suggests Hades.
Phil is teaching Hercules to drive without much success.
Hermes tells Zeus about Hercules' predicament and Hades says that his dear nephew is going to blow it … badly. Hades makes a bet that is Hercules doesn't pass his driver's test by sunset then Zeus gives Hades the Elysian Fields. Reluctantly Zeus agrees, and he swears not to interfere, but Hades didn't … When he’s bad, he’s very bad… Pain and Panic try to stop Hercules. Cassandra and Icarus go with him. Pain and Panic put a sign in the road and Hercules goes on a wrong detour to the Sphinx, who says Herc’s here to have fun… He has a show like Merv and asks as riddle and Hercules gets it right and a brand new chariot shown off by a slight skeletal figure in a pink chiton. Pain and Panic get in trouble because Hercules isn't dead. They get pulled over at a speed trap. They're about to get towed. Hercules stands in line. Phil asks s “Phillisimo” if Hercules go his driver’s licence. Zeus gets Phil to help Hercules. Hercules passes his theory test, and now he's going to take the prac. Hades is mad because Pain and Panic can't even do this one flaming thing! They were just talking about him and how much they missed his … bold leadership … and inspiration… Never send an Imp to do a Gods' job. Hades throws fireballs as Hercules. Good afternoon racing fans! … Now watch me take the chequered flag… Hades takes the road up and topples Hercules and his instructor. Hades takes the victory and the Elysian Fields… and he smoothes his hair back, See you in the winner’s circle, boys … Hercules has to get his licence today, Cassandra says. Teenage pride is at stake, not to mention cosmic balance… Hercules is pleading to get his licence. Hercules stops Apollo at stop the sun for a moment and gets his licence. Hades is mad. Pain suggests redecorating the Underworld and has a swatches of colours… and Hades gets Madder! Hercules returns Apollo's chariot for sunset. Sphinx is still depressed about his riddle.
56} HERCULES AND THE PARENT'S WEEKEND
The parents have arrived at Prometheus Academy. He sent the invitation Hermes Express. Cassandra is embarrassed by her parents and wants Hercules to save her. However his mortal parents got the invitation. Hercules was expecting Zeus and Hera. Cassandra's parents are showing pictures of their little Casserole. Hercules' parents brought baby crockery pics of Hercules too. Hercules says his mortal parents are ordinary and his adopted father hears and gets upset and Hercules feels guilty. He apologises to his parents. A monster comes to Prometheus academy to eat and terrorise the students and teachers. Hercules fights the monster. The monster beats him and grabs a handful of parents, including Hercules, Adonis and Cassandra's parents. The monster turns out to be that baby of Echidne the mother or all monsters. Echidne is going to mash up the people for her baby. The parents begin to talk to Echidne about their children and she tells them about hers. Hercules tries to escape and the baby tries to eat him - he's teething! But they escape :) And the kids really do love their parents after all, except maybe Adonis …
57} HERCULES AND THE PROMETHEUS AFFAIR *
It’s liver Thursday at Prometheus Academy. Icarus loves it, even liver ice cream. Parentheses and Icarus tell Hercules of the story of Prometheus how he gave mankind fire and was punished by the Gods. Hercules asks if Prometheus is still there and he is and goes to right the wrong and Prometheus’ torment. He wants to skip training to go and free Prometheus. He takes off on Pegasus to free him before Phil can tell him his daddy Zeus imprisoned him.
The eagle comes to Prometheus to eat his liver with an onion. Prometheus hope he gets indigestion. The eagle wants a nice piece of fish. Pain and Panic are doing their annual Titan check and think Prometheus is put. The eagle attacks Hercules and Pegasus. Pain and Panic’s mouths drop when Hercules and Prometheus work to free him and succeed & then get a scheming look on their faces – it’s obvious Hercules doesn’t know who put him there and Prometheus conveniently leaves out the part at who chained him to the mountain.
Atop Mount Olympus the gods are in meeting. Hades wants a new job, Club Dead can pretty much run itself. His imps sneak into Olympus and whisper to Hades what they saw. Hades tells Zeus Prometheus is free. Zeus is beyond mad. Prometheus and Hercules and Prometheus scale the mountain and it collapses in a storm sent my Zeus. Herc has temporary amnesia.
Zeus is not going to change his mind and Hades asks permission to hunt down and destroy the traitor, Sir! Permission granted. Zeus sends all the Gods to find Prometheus.
Apollo is looking them by nightfall with the aid of a torch. Hercules and Prometheus make a fire and Hercules thanks Prometheus for fire. Prometheus says that he thinks Apollo is working for the God that chained him to the mountain. Hades appears to the eagle and makes him tell lead him to where Prometheus and the kid went. Phil goes with Pegasus to Hercules. Come daybreak, Apollo finds him and all the Gods are after him. You’re like Olympus’ Most Wanted, Hercules says. Badda Bing! Hades says am I tardy to the party? Zeus and Hera come down Zeus is proud of him for finding Prometheus and Herc says he freed him. Zeus thought the mortals weren’t ready for fire though Hercules disagrees. Zeus is going to think about what Hercules said. Hades makes the eagle into a giant firebird and he comes after Prometheus and Hercules. Hercules puts out the bird’s fire with Prometheus chiton. Zeus is proud Hercules stood by his convictions and he apologises to the Gods and reluctantly admits he was wrong and lets Prometheus off the hook. Prometheus makes an appearance at Prometheus Academy amidst cheers and declares no more liver Thursdays. Icarus is the only one who’s upset.
Mind you, so is Hades, sitting on a rock. The eagle whines. I got a waiting list for minions and you’re not on it.
58} HERCULES AND THE HERO OF ATHENS (Hades gets a brief
mention at the end)
Bobby tells us in the realm of myths and monsters about how Hercules defeated the Nemean Lion, but the Muses set the story straight for now.
The Prometheus Academy students are going on the same field trip they have done every year since kindergarten. To the Olive Works, Icarus is excited and Hercules is open, never having gone before. While Hercules and Co are in the horse drawn tram, for the tour of the Olive Works, the Nemean Lion attacks. Hercules thinks he head a scream. Probably someone who just finished the tour, Cassandra says. They see a puppet show about Athena and Poseidon arguing who got Athens and the lion stalks them. Herc feels like they’re being watched. He hears a scream for real this time and goes in and the Hall of Pimentos is demolished. State Officer Chippacles is on the job. Hercules’ rap sheet is as long as Zeus’ beard. Icarus takes the rap for Hercules and Pimentocles, the Olive Works owner says he saved them form the Nemean lion and the Lion is captured.
Icarus shows up for hero Training and Phil’s not impressed does not let him down gently.
Icarus appears to miss Friday night at Speedy Pita. Dressed as a hero with his wings, he says he’s a super hero and he must lie in the shadows to protect Athens, the City State he loved so much and Cassandra wants him to get back to his previous level of delusion. The Nemean lion gets loose and Icarus goes off to stop it. His friends are worried about him. Hercules goes to stop the lion and it whacks him into a statue of Athena which he demolishes. Hercules whales the lion with the statue’s staff and Icarus thinks he did it. The people cheer and Hercules gets busted by Chippacles for breaking the statue.
Icarus gets a ticket tape parade and Hercules is jealous. Phil reminds him, eating popcorn, that what matters is that he saved lives. The Nemean loin makes a vow to eat Icarus. Icarus is taken by all the media attention – the lion escapes again and Cassandra says come on, just let him get lightly mauled. Herc goes to save him.
Icarus goes to the lion and tried to stop him, fails miserably and realise it was Hercules. The lion says for him to get up, he’s embarrassing both of them. He’s about to eat Icarus when Hercules saves him and almost gets killed and Icarus saves him. Herc accidentally demolishes another building, the Lion’s out cold. Icarus begs forgiveness and Hercules gives it to him. A play’s made about Icarus.
Executive Producer: Zeus. Producer: Daedalus, Screenplay: Homer. Music: The Sirens, Make up: Aphrodite, Lighting: Apollo, Craft Service: Bacchus, Construction: Hephaistos, Lawyer: Hades, Stunt Coordinator: Ares, Underwater Unit: Poseidon, Location Scout: Gaia, Boxes provided by Pandora, Assistant to Mr. Icarus: The Nymphs, Transportation: Centaurs, Financing: King Midas, Beverage Service: Dionysos, Snakes courtesy of Medusa, Strain, Andromeda, Physician: Hippocrates, Bonded By: Oracle, Complexes: Oedipus, Lost City: Atlantis, Trees, Demeter, River: Styx, Talk Show Band Leader: Hermes, Magic: Pan, Son of Apollo: Aesculapius, Dude with One Eye: Cyclops, Other Gods we’ve never heard of: Libya, Aneas, Tyro, Melampus, Castor, Leda, Paris, Anchises, Semele, Abas, Hypermenstra…
59} HERCULES AND THE CALEDONIAN BOAR
Herc & Co are at Oloves Malts earing linch. Thank the Gods it’s Fredai. Icarus and Cassandra are planning to tae it easy. Herc’s joining Phil for the great Caladonian boar hunt and Cassandra is sure the boar’s just bursting with pride. He goes with Phil who’s rented an oxen driven caravan and they go on the road. After much ado and passin several Star Bacchus’ (that God knows how to franchise…) along the way they finally arrive in Caledonia. Phil introdices Herc to his friends. Nestor eooth amazing sight and Meleager, with super hearing. Herc feels he’s in.
Later that niht they see a boar and go for it, but don’t fare too well as it pushes Phil’s cravan over a cliff and they’re saved by Chrion who gloats. Herc wants to impress them. Phil tells him the meat’s too tough and the hide too scratly – thye just kill the boar. Hercules isn’t sure he wants to kill the boar. Phil’s not ipressed. Hercules has a clean shot at the boor, but flinched. The boar goes after them and leanes them in the mud. Chiron calls Hercules ‘flincher.’ Hercules says he couldn’t kill the boar. Phil says he’ll come around, Chrion tells him he’s got beachftont property on Atlantis to see him.
Hercules gets caught on Artemis’ trap and she comes to him, woth all her critters. She tells him the back woods are her temple and he’s tresspassing. She can see in his eyes he’s not a hunter and her critters kinda like him too. An owl cuts him loose. She makes him an eco hero and for him to protect the boars. She rides off on a white unicorn. Hercules wakes up, surrounded by animals.
Phil sees what he thinks is a nymph showering behind a waterfall and is mortified when it’s Artemis. She turns Phil into a boar and disappears. The other hunters see him and go for him. He runs off. Hercules saves the Phil boat and is wondering where Phil is. The hunters go after the boar and Herc ties them up, except Chrron who corners the Phil boar. Herc ties him up too. The hunters are not happy. Artemis appears with her animals in tow. They’re a bit too loving toward her when she’s working! This boy just whupped three of the biggest names I the Hero biz, she says and turns Phil back. They’re all amazied and ashamed. You’re looki’ at a new kind of hero Artemis says. One who doe’st have to prove his manhood by wiping out a species – (the Celedonoan boars are getting less and less in number) and she warns the hunters and leaves. The guys think they can go bowling in Nassos, if no Gods are against that …
60} HERCULES AND THE EPIC ADVENTURE
Bobby tells us ancient Greece was the time of great heroes and great literature and the two come together in this epic poem. Even the Muses are hooked to Bobby’s every word. Hercules has worked on his epic poem for months and has to recite it for his class. He gets nervous and sweats like a boar. Phil tells him Jason was afraid of water until he told him the ocean is just a bunch of glasses of water put together and taught him how to swim.
Orthos the two headed Cyclops wants a rematch with Hercules The smart head has been watching him, the dumb head just wants to eat.
Cassandra lost a bet and is going to the Agora with Icarus. They try to encourage Hercules. Just let your mind go blank, Icarus says. That’s your approach to everything, Cassandra says. They leave. The waitress comes to Hercules and says he needs fish, brain food and brings back a Poseidon Pita with extra eel. She accidentally takes his poem and it ends up in the garbage, Herc looks for it then has Pegasus follow a garbage carriage. He accidentally bashes into a bridge, then gets up and follows the scow again on Pegasus. They get mixes us as to which garbage scow it was. The driver tells him speedy pita isn’t even on his route and to use positive visualisation for Herc to recite his poem and that the speedy pita scow would already be at the tip
Orthos is trying to find out where Hercules is and the game is afoot. Hercules and Pegasus find the right garbage scow and Hercules is accidentally dumped with the rest of the garbage. The waitress tells Orthos she doesn’t know what Hercules is but when he shows her a scroll of him, she tells him where ‘dumpster boy’ went.
Hercules sees his poem. Orthos sees Hercules and jumps. A harpy takes off with the poem. Mine! Hercules takes off on Pegasus and Orthos lands in with a thud the Earth. Hercules goes to the Harpy and reason with her.
Meanwhile Hermes is trying to hurry Hephaistos up with making a thunderbolt for Zeus’ smiting.
Hercules ts trying to reason with the Harpy to no avail. She tells him he’s a loser and get over his fear of public speaking. He tempts her with a shiny coin.
Hermes takes the thunderbolt and it’s still hot so he accidentally drops it.
Hercules is about to get the poem when the thunderbolt hits and the poem lands in the sac of a traveller travelling by carriage. This is not my night… Hercules says. The harpy steals Orthos’ scrunchie and he misses Hercules. The traveller goes into a tavern. Herc’s not allowed in as he’s underage, but the bouncer tells him to picture the audience in their undergarments, but he’s still not letting Hercules in. Hercules goes around to look for another way to get in. Two combatants burst out of the back wall, fighting and Herc gets in, He’s taken aside by two burly men and beats them at arm wrestling and goes to get his poem back and it’s none other than City State Office Chippacles who arrests Hercules. Orthos misses Hercules again but the bouncer told him he was arrested.
Apollo draws the sun over; it’s morning and Hercules is in jail. He tried to plead his case. Orthos rips the roof off and grabs Hercules. Hercules kicks him in the gut and gets loose. Then whacks him with a pillar. Chippacles lets Hercules off the hook with a warning since he took out the Cyclops and tells him strong topic sentence! Hercules arrives late to class and explains his journey to get his poem back and gets an Alpha Plus before he even reads his poem and the Harpy swoops in and takes his Alpha Plus… Mine!
61} HERCULES AND THE POSEIDON'S CUP ADVENTURE
Poseidon is watching a sword fish fight, eating a bowl of calamari. Amphitrite comes home, riding a dolphin drawn chariot. Poseidon gives the squid to Elmer the dolphin and goes to his exercise pull. 98… 90 … 100... what a workout! Amphitrite comes in with a copy of the Greekly World News but she won’t give it to him until he’s finished his after stretches. Elmer tales it from her in his mouth and gives it to Poseidon. He gets a kick out of the ‘Where are They Now? Page. He’s mad when he reads ‘Where is Poseidon Now?’ He’s so mad he scares Elmer and wants to do some smiting. Amphitrite suggests a festival and so the God of the Sea decided to host the Poseidon’s Cup Adventure, Bobby tells us. The Muses translate. The Big ‘ol God of the Sea decided to throw a big ‘ol boat race. Every seafaring Greek (which is just about all of them” is in on the game. Hercules is waiting in line for tickets. Cassandra says she had a vision of falling asleep in like to get tickets to the Poseidon’s Cup Regalia. Herc tells her it really happened and she says first thing after school I’m getting a life. It’s sold out when they get to the counter. Adonis is racing in the cup and shows off about it. Herc’s mad with Adonis’ show & tell and Phil tells Herc to enter the race and gives him a beat up old trireme. Icarus is going to be his helmsman and they begin, having a tough time getting her ship shape. He writes to Poseidon.
Poseidon’s happy. Thanks to the Poseidon’s Cup. Every Greek and his brother are making offerings. Amphitrite gives Poseidon Icarus’ letter, thanking him for water but asking why all the salt? Poseidon goes to his gold and offerings and says that’s what it’s all about. Amphitrite is not impressed.
Icarus makes friends with a fellow seaman and Cassandra has a vision their boat will sink. Hilas, Team Thrace’s rower and bad boy of Greece slips on Adonis’ discarded grapes. He falls down stairs, gets up, falls out of a window and has a stoke of bad luck. A ship’s about to capsize on him. Hercules haves him, but Hilas’ arms are broken. To Adonis’ horror his father wants Hercules to row for Team Thrace. Icarus has called his boat the Amphitrite’s Wink as a statue of her winked at him. Daedalus comes to help. Adonis gives the Atlantis, a waterproof to 500 feet wrist sundial, a new pair of sandals, designed by the Goddess of Victory herself and a brand spanking her red and white Team Thrace chiton and tells him he’ll be replacing Hilas. Icarus is horrified and is going to row Amphitrite’s Wink by himself. Amphitrite appears in the ship’s figurehead and tells Icarus Herc’s just lost his way. Herc is welcomed like a hero in Thrace. Adonis proclaims they will be better than Poseidon. Daedalus is helping Icarus with his inventions. They’re not listening to Cassandra’s vision. She has a vision of a tidal wave wreaking havoc too.
Poseidon makes an appearance at the start of the race, wishes them well and blows them off, with a little too much wind thanks to their hubris. Icarus and Daedalus’ ship is caught in Charybdis’ whirlpool. Herc saves them. Not too much time later Adonis ship is caught. Help! Hercules! I’m too beautiful to die! Herc saves him too. Adonis’ father is worried for his son. Icarus wins the cup. Poseidon is surprised. Hercules says he earned it. Earned? Adonis says, what a ridiculous notion. Elmer squirts him. Icarus thanks Poseidon, Amphitrite, Daedalus, the lovely Cassandra and finally a very special whoopee for his once and future best friend Hercules. Adonis makes a running grab for the cup! Mine! And lands face first in the ocean…
62} HERCULES AND THE MUSE OF DANCE
Hercules is training… badly. Phil’s doubling up on agility training. Hercules trips over Syrinx, coming to visit Phil and apologises as he rushes to get his school barge. The trees close in on Phil and Syrinx.
Cassandra says Hercules looks like her all down and out. Icarus tried to cheer him up. Hercules accidentally breaks the dolphin handle off the Poseidon bubbler. It turns out that gym glass has been taken over by Miss Thespis the drama teacher following coach Oedipus’ extended leave of absence. It has absolutely nothing to do the incident involving Hercules and the shot put… she tells the class. Adonis riles Hercules about it. To the class’ horror, Miss Thespis is going to teach them how to dance. Try not to level the place, Adonis says to Hercules.
Terpsichore, the Muse of Dance says this constitutes an inspirational emergency and goes to inspire Hercules and teach him how to dance. You gotta go where the music movies you. Every Hero’s got to take the chance and he dances beautifully. He tells his friends about the Muse. Cassandra says he didn’t trip, crash or cause structural damage. He even surprises Phil by acing the obstacle course. Phil’s face falls when he learns Hercules ‘danced’ through it.
Syrinx’s father and the other trees are upset about his daughter seeing Phil. She says she’s sweet on Phil. Phil won’t let Hercules be in the dance recital. Syrinx is trying to get Phil to let him. Miss Thespis and Helen are upset. Herc falls in the mud again. Terpsichore tells him that dancing makes him more confident and less clumsy. Terpsichore inspires him to tell Phil to let him be in the recital. Now Phil homey, you listen and you listen good… Phil’s okay with it now and wants to go to the dress rehearsal.
In Herc’s absence, Icarus is being the Ceryneian Hind in the play and is scaring Helen. He wanted to be peat moss for Cassandra’s rock. If only I could crawl under myself, she says… Helen is a graceful butterfly. Herc comes and saves the day. Phil’s angry when he sees him dance and Syrinx is upset with him. The trees attack and Hercules is trapped. Syrinx’s father is going to burn Phil. Terpsichore inspires Hercules, Syrinx plays music on the lyre and Hercules leaps into action to save Phil. Phil says he never knew dancing was so heroic. Syrinx is trapped by the fire and her father is worried. Terpsichore inspired Phil and he leaps, dancing in t save Syrinx and her father relents and is okay with her being with Phil and they’ll be sitting in the front row of Herc’s dance recital!
63} HERCULES AND THE KIDS
The Gordian knot. Legend says whoever could undo it would unite the world and Alexander the Great did, Bobby tells us but the Muses want a story about Hercules. The story begins at Prometheus Junior Academy. Aesop is telling the kids of the Tortoise and the Hare. They love it and sing their Happy Gods song. Hercules comes on short notice to fill in for a sick teacher. The kids are upset as they wanted to go on their field trip and are not interested in heroes in training.
Two monsters Acheron, a giant spider and his companion, Orthos, a giant fly are hinting for game.
Callista makes Hercules kiss her Aphrodite doll. Alex is shy and Hercules teaches him how to tie his salads. Brutus, the child Centaur teases Alexander about it. Hercules makes Alex the second in command with the map. The children sing their Happy Gods song and drive Hercules crazy. One child has lost another tooth. They want a story now. Hercules tells them about a sad woman who was changed into an almond tree, which scares them. Brutus and Alex fight and the map gets lost and so do they. Callista screams when she sees a lizard. Acheron and Orthos come after the kids. The children run and hide in a cave with Hercules. Brutus is rude to him and bucks him. The children are scared and sing their song and realise Apollo’s chariot rises in the East and now Hercules can get them home. Callista drops her doll and goes back for it. Hercules goes back for her. The monsters attack. Orthos numbs Hercules’ leg with here stinger. Hercules makes it onto the bridge, but it can’t hold Acheron’s weight. He throws Callista to safety and crashed to the ground. The kinds are worried about Hercules. Orthos is worried about Acheron. Acheron uses his spider web to save him then wraps Hercules in it. They look for the kids who are hiding in another cave. With the Aphrodite doll filled with teeth from the child that kept losing them and an unravelled blankie, they make a flying fox and go down to Hercules. Alex hated the fact that the spider web is tied in knots – he hates knots and cuts Hercules loose. Hercules fights with the monsters and defeats them. They say he’s a hero and he said Alex was the hero. Back at school Alex got a medal and even Brutus is proud and calls him Alexander the Great. He defeated the Gordian knot by cutting it, thus unravelling it thanks to his mentor Hercules, but Alex never did learn to toe his sandals…
64} HERCULES AND THE GORGON *
Apollo draws the chariot across the sky and Icarus follows him and once again flies too close to the sun. His wings melt and he lands in a river, which fast turns into a waterfall. Herc on Pegasus goes to save him and ends up in the water and Hercules ends up going over. He’s pulled out by Medusa. A leopard jumps them but she turns it to stone. She disappears when Hercules comes to. Hercules things Icarus pulled him out. They see stone statues and Icarus freaks out and drags Hercules away. Medusa is smitten by Hercules, who accidentally leaves him student ID there.
Phil shifts his training to a Gorgon intensive program.
Medusa talks to her statues. She asks the Gods if any of them will deal and surprise, surprise, Hades shows up. So does Aphrodite. She tells Hades self-esteem is her bag. Hades tells her desperation is his bag. Hades and Aphrodite argue. Hades tells Medusa if she works nights for him doing her Gorgon thing, Booga Booga Booga than he’ll make her human by day. You know he’s the Lord of the Dead right, Aphrodite says. She offers a pair of glasses which will stop her turning people to stone. Medusa is not inpressed. Aphrodite is concerned she won’t find real friends pretending to be somebody she’s not. Hades sweetens the deal. If she finds one human who’ll like her for who she is he’ll make her human permanently. Bibbedy Biobbedy Boo! Medusa says she should have beseeched Hades years ago. Aphrodite isn’t impressed.
Medusa goes to Prometheus Academy and gives him back his card, saving his 10 drachma (if lost or stolen). Cassandra likes Medusa’s cynicism and Icarus likes her too. The sunset comes and she starts turning and the Gorgon accidentally creates a panic. Hercules goes after the Gorgon, not knowing who she is. I’m ready to fight you, vile monster, but can you come out of the ladies room first? Hades appears in the ladies room with Pain and Panic. They hide behind Hades misty, smoky robes. She can only turn mortals to stone dim wits he says. It’s not that … they’re bashful about being in the ladies room… Hercules knocks on the door. Hello? Hello? Hades takes Medusa to the Underworld for Orientation. Hey, Hades runs a professional organisation. A Cyclops at orientation asks Mr Panic about employ health benefits. Just Panic please, we’re a first mane only kinda place… Medusa isn’t impressed.
State Trooper Chippacles has called an emergency assembly about the Gorgon. The only way to kill a Gorgon is to chop off its head, put it on a purse and take it to the nearest A Level God for disposal. Medusa feels ill. She sits on a swing upset. A Cyclops comes to eat her, then she shows him her Underworld monster ID and they have a heartfelt chat. She wants to show Hercules the real her. He’s Gorgon training and she wants to leave. She turns and he sees her in the reflection and thinks she posed as a student to get to him. She tells him it’s not the case and runs off, sad. Hercules is depressed too. Icarus is upset too – maybe Hercules doesn’t want a freak like him for a friend either.
Medusa is sulking in her grotto and Hades appears to rock (solid, get it) and roll – she wonders aloud if she can have sick days (or is that nights…) Why don’t you tell Uncle Hades all about it. She tells him and he tries to convince her that Hercules is a hero and that he will kill her. Hercules comes and Medusa stays in the dark so he won’t see her and Hercules takes something out from behind his shield. Hades ‘sneezes’ lighting up Medusa and Hercules turns to stone. Hercules was withdrawing a bunch of flowers. Hades pretends to think he was going for a sword. Medusa is very upset. Aphrodite appears and makes Hades make good on his deal – Hercules saw Medusa for what she really was. Hades fires a bolt at Medusa and she uses Hercules’ shield to ricochet the bolt into Hercules making his human again. Hercules asks, Medusa out, not looking at her. She shyly asks to use Aphrodite’s glasses which the Goddess of Love gladly gives to her and happily they go off.
So what say we make it a double date? Hades asks Aphrodite. An angry Hephaestos appears. I’m sorry, Hades says quickly, what was your name again? Just charting with this nice lady … gotta go and shampoo my hair …
65} HERCULES AND THE GREEN EYED MONSTER
The students are in shop class and Icarus gives Cassandra a necklace of his baby teeth which she drops. Eww! Daedalus has made a chopping machine and when he operates it, he’s reciting love poetry. The lucky woman is Miss Thespis. Icarus thinks they’re just friends until Daedalus gives Miss Thespis a necklace of his baby teeth. He hasn’t accepted his parent’s divorce. He’s upset with Hercules and Cassandra for thinking this will be good for Daedalus but wanted a ride on Hercules horsey to Mamalus’ house. Mamalus lives in a palazzo! She started her pottery business at home now has six factories all over Greece. She’s a mover and a shaker, Icarus says. She says Icarus has told her that Hercules is a big hero and someday they’ll put his face on a vase. She says she couldn’t’ve done it without her Icky who helps her every summer. Herc tells her that Daedalus is dating again. Icarus gets all melodramatic. Finally! Mamalus says. Tell me everything… Your father’s a genius in just about everything, except women. She tells him that it can’t be easy to see his parents apart and that his Daedalus and Mamalus love him and to give his father a chance at happiness. He deserves it. Hercules discovers Icarus is jealous and worried that Miss Thespis is going to come between him and his father. Icarus tells Hercules not to accuse him of a diabolical plan to get rid of Miss Thespis, then he starts laughing evilly, then laughs normally when Hercules points that out.
He dresses like a ghost to frighten Miss Thespis, then gets a cramp and falls out of the costume. Miss Thespis says that it was the most brilliant bit of theatre she’s ever seen and is going to teach Icarus to dance if Icarus will direct the next school play and he begins to warm to her, but then screams when he discovered they’re to be married.
He locks himself in the toilets and is not coming out and Hercules can’t make him. Hercules breaks the door off. Oh crud. Hercules comforts Icarus and says his family is just getting bigger. Icarus approached Pandora. She pushes her monsters back down into her box and pulls out an apple. Icarus tricks her into checking out the broom cupboard and takes off with her box. Daedalus comes to Icarus to help him with his black toga-tux and Icarus ties it on a little too tightly. Miss Thespis comes in her white dress. Aphrodite arrives. She complains that her clam is clammy but people want it for weddings and the like. They go ahead with the ceremony and Aphrodite asks for the rings, Icarus unleashes Pandora’s Miseries Gossip… Greed… Bad breath… and more Hercules gets the box form Icarus and puts the monsters back. Except Jealousy who’s hiding behind a pillar. Jealous gets bigger when Icarus gropes. He’s still upset. Can you talk some sense into him? I’m a Demi God not a miracle worker… Jealousy grows bigger and eats Icarus. Aphrodite says when Jealousy totally consumes Icarus, he’s gone forever. Once he reaches the stomach it’s like eww. Cassandra helps stall by chatting up Jealousy. Hercules goes into the monster’s mouth with Daedalus and Miss Thespis. Icarus almost falls into his stomach, Hercules saved him. Cassandra and Aphrodite stall Jealousy by dancing with him. Icarus falls down the oesophagus again. Miss Thespis jumps after him and grabs him, her legs on either side of the monster’s oesophagus. Hercules pulls them up with some rope. Icarus says he was almost out of the picture. She says she wants to be in the picture with Icarus and Daedalus. Hercules thanks him for saving Icarus from danger and Icarus says he was never in danger because his step-Mamalus was looking out for him. Jealousy is slow dancing with Cassandra. They come out of the monster and Cass says they have a lousy sense of timing. Icarus is no longer jealous and the monster shrinks. Jealousy and Cassandra chat and Icarus gets jealous again and the monster starts to grow and Hercules throws him back into the box.
Aphrodite marries Daedalus and Miss Thespis and the happy family are painted on one of Mamalus’ pots.
Hope you enjoyed my Hercules synopses! A lot of hard work, time and effort has gone into it!