Disclaimers: Gene Roddenberry
created the Star Trek Universe
No monetary profit is being made by this.
Notes: Written
by Annie. Reproduced
with permission. “Just Ask Lore” appeared in Lore and Disorder fanzine, 1996.
Please note I am unable to give Annie’s contact details. There is only one chapter available in the
Handy Android Manual. No further
chapters planned. If you would like to write further chapters or more Just Ask Lore, please contact me (Details on main page)
(I can also upload new chapters here
and credit you :)
Rating PG - Humour
~~~~~~~~~~~
LORE’S
HANDYANDROID MANUAL:
A GUIDE TO
HOME DETERIORATION AND DEVALUATION
INTRODUCTION
Do you feel disgruntled, down-trodden and disconnected? Are you totally fed up and disgusted with
everything and everyone, including your prefect younger brother? Are you just itching for something
destructive to do just to cheer yourself up?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this book is for
you. Containing dozens of
home-degradation projects, this practical, hands-off guide is packed with
hateful hints on how to wreck the entire neighborhood while making a noisy,
obnoxious nuisance of yourself. A must for any android with a malfunctioning
chip oh his shoulder and an insatiable desire for – revenge!
CHAPTER ONE: GETTING STARTED (with a vengeance)
Part
I: “That’s a Workshop?”
Imagine the satisfaction of
hearing your horrified neighbors as each other this question when they first
clap eyes on the monstrosity you are about to learn how to build. Every handyandroid must have a workshop. Whether or not you plan to use it for
building anything worthwhile is completely irrelevant. Here are some invaluable tips for making your
workshop as offensive and unworkmanlike as possible:
Try to build your workshop in
a location where it will cause the greatest amount of irritation to neighbours –right against a property
line, for example, or within no more than a dozen feet from someone’s back
patio or bedroom window.
Leave just enough space for
the passage of cement trucks, flat-beds and all other large noisy, messy
vehicles and pieces of equipment. Have
this driveway run as closely as possible to neighbouring fences, gardens,
trees and hedges.
Buy or rent a big, unsightly
dumpster and place it where it will interfere with your neighbours view. Make sure the prevailing wind is blowing in
their direction.
Erect tall sodium lamps
around the workshop and plan to have them burning all night long.
Build your workshop larger
than zoning regulations allow and make sure the roof is higher than necessary.
Fix drain pipes so that they
empty onto other people’s property.
Leave the exterior in an
unfinished state for an indefinite period of time. Another option is to paint it scarlet,
orange, purple, fluorescent green or a combination of all four.
Don’t worry about keeping the
grounds tidy—a jumble of split two-by-fours and plywood, bent nails, rusted
sheet metal, broken glass, half used paint cans, petrified brushes and
discarded tools gives the area a rustic, lived-in look.
Part
II: Make No Plans
Before starting on the interior of your workshop, be sure to draw up a
detailed, accurate floor plan—then determine never to follow it under any
circumstances.
Do not divide your workshop
into separate rooms. An open concept is
best—you’ll need plenty of space in which to throw things when you get mad.
Don’t use soundproofing in
the walls or the ceilings. In fact it’s
best to try and create an echo-chamber effect.
You want your power tools to sound as loud as possible, both inside and
out
Cut two or three large window
facing the direction of your neighbours houses.
Install a stereo—buy the
biggest speakers you can possibly afford.
Wire in lots of bright lights
and forget to turn them off as often as possible.
Arrange work benches, saw
horses, storage units and equipment without giving any rational thought
whatsoever to convenience or ease of use.
This will make things difficult as possible for delivery persons and
also for family members (such as your model brother) who want to borrow your
workshop for a project of their own.
Part
III: Equipped for Wreaking Havoc
Here’s a basic list of the equipment, tools and accessories you’ll need
when stocking a workshop:
A sledgehammer is a must for
smashing holes in the workbench and walls when things don’t go exactly the way
you want them to. A chainsaw can be used
in areas where there is not enough room to swing a hammer.
Several packages
of widgets in a variety of colours and sized. These come in handy when you don’t feel like
working, yet want to create the impression that you’re producing something. Just scatter them over your workbench. No one will know the difference.
An extremely noisy
power tool or machine, such as a pneumatic drill or industrial press. These will come in handy when you want to
annoy your neighbours at three in the morning.
A dictionary of
colourful swear words for when problems crop up.
A complete
unabridged copy of “Murphy’s Laws.”
A collection of tapes or CD’s
featuring music you know your neighbours hate.
Pick bands like “Toxic Waste” or “Skeletal Remains.”
A package of fluorescent,
glow-in-the-dark, indelible markers with which to decorate walls, floor,
benchers, windows when you can’t think of anything
better to do. (Cans
of spray paint can also be substitutes.)
Subject matter can include obscene pictures, foul language and highly
insulting remarks concerning individuals against whom you hold a long standing
grudge (such as your dear angelic little brother. Use your creativity.
A huge bag of
Styrofoam packaging peanuts. People
love receiving finished products packed in these things and spending the next
two days removing them from clothes, hair, carpets and every other
electrically-charged surface in the house.
A box of raw sulphur
(brimstone) to burn—this is a great way to stink up the whole neighbourhood.
A case of high grade motor
oil for when you get thirsty
Several large
sheets of glass to break when things get rough. Recent studies have shown that the sound of
smashing glass markedly reduces tension levels in maladjusted androids.
If all else fails, a tin of
fire starter with which to burn the place to the ground.
Part
IV: Lore’s Laws
Copy these out on a big sheet of paper and pin it to the wall in a
prominent place:
Get yourself an attitude
Cultivate irrational, disorganised, completely
haphazard working habits.
Arrange to work during the
night preferably between the hours of
Any tool or machine that
breaks down halfway through a job should promptly be hurled across the room and
then smashed into as many small pieces as you can manage.
Any project that does not
work out absolutely perfectly the first time round, provides sufficient grounds
for losing your temper completely.
Always overcharge your
customers and feel free to punch out anyone who refuses to pay, regardless of
how exorbitant your prices are.
WHAT NEXT?
You are now ready to get down to business with a capital “B.” In the next chapter we’ll take a look at one
of the most common outdoor handyandroid projects – house painting. Among other things, you’ll learn to:
Choose a nauseating colour
scheme
Achieve an artistic
half-finished look
Put a coat of paint on upside
down.
TODAY’S TIP
A tantrum a day keeps the cyberneticist away (and everyone else too)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plagued by mould, mildew and
mayhem? Are leaky taps, squeaky doors
and obnoxious neighbours driving you to drink? For totally useless solutions to these and
other home related conundrums ….
JUST ASK LORE!
Question: Every winter I
have a major problem with condensation on my windows. It takes me ten minutes each morning to mop
up the puddles on all the windowsills.
What do you suggest?
U. Drip.
Answer: Too much
condensation on your window usually meant there’s too much hot air in the
house. Are you married to a
politician? If so, divorce ort murder
are probably the only answers. If not,
your only other alternatives are to move to a bigger house, sell the kids or
take turns breathing.
Q. My family and I
will be wintering in
Jett Lag
A: Wake up and smell
the coffee, Jett. Don’t you know you should never broadcast the fact that
you’re going away for long periods of time?
Forget the pipes. You’d better
concentrate on insuring your television sets, VCR’s, CD players and home
computer – unless you want to be the victim of a burglary sometime during the
next six months. (PS what’s your street
address?)
Q. What can I do to stop my daughter’s bed from
squeaking at night?
Coyle Spring
A: Your daughter’s
boyfriend probably has the answer to that one, Coyle.
Q: We recently moved
to an older home and have been bothered ever since by loud banging noises
coming from the to air ducts. Would this
be caused by the metal expanding and contracting as the heat goes on and off? If so what can we do to stop it?
Mr & Mrs Vent
A: It’s highly
probably that the noises are being caused by any form of molecular activity
within the metal. However that’s far too
boring and mundane explanation. Looks
like you’ve got yourself a poltergeist there.
Q: I’ve just inherited an exquisite mahogany
dining table from my great aunt Murgatroyd.
How can I best preserve its beauty for generations to come?
D. Dustbunny
A: Drain cleaner,
coarse sand paper,
Q: A friend’s car
recently left an unsightly oil stain on our new interlocking paving stones. How
can we get rid of it?
A: Isn’t it obvious? Tell your friend to get busy with a scrub
brush and a bucket of cleaning compound or you’ll slash his tyres.
Q: I’m planning on laying out a parquet floor in my
library using a pattern of unique shapes.
I need to know how to calculate the area of a polygon. Can you help?
G. Ometry
A: You idiot!
How dare you waste my time with such a stupid question! For crying out loud any clown with the
tiniest fragment of a brain adhering to the inside of his skull knows
that. Get a life, gee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~