Disclaimers: Gene Roddenberry created the Star Trek Universe
No monetary profit is being made by this.
Notes: Written by Annie. Reproduced with permission. “Just Ask Lore” appeared in Lore and Disorder fanzine, 1996.
Please note I am unable to give Annie’s contact details. There is only one chapter available in the Handy Android Manual. No further chapters planned. If you would like to write further chapters or more Just Ask Lore, please contact me (Details on main page) (I can also upload new chapters here and credit you :)
Rating PG - Humour
LORE’S HANDYANDROID MANUAL:
A GUIDE TO HOME DETERIORATION AND DEVALUATION
Do you feel disgruntled, down-trodden and disconnected? Are you totally fed up and disgusted with everything and everyone, including your prefect younger brother? Are you just itching for something destructive to do just to cheer yourself up? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this book is for you. Containing dozens of home-degradation projects, this practical, hands-off guide is packed with hateful hints on how to wreck the entire neighborhood while making a noisy, obnoxious nuisance of yourself. A must for any android with a malfunctioning chip oh his shoulder and an insatiable desire for – revenge!
CHAPTER ONE: GETTING STARTED (with a vengeance)
Part I: “That’s a Workshop?”
Imagine the satisfaction of hearing your horrified neighbors as each other this question when they first clap eyes on the monstrosity you are about to learn how to build. Every handyandroid must have a workshop. Whether or not you plan to use it for building anything worthwhile is completely irrelevant. Here are some invaluable tips for making your workshop as offensive and unworkmanlike as possible:
Try to build your workshop in a location where it will cause the greatest amount of irritation to neighbours –right against a property line, for example, or within no more than a dozen feet from someone’s back patio or bedroom window.
Leave just enough space for the passage of cement trucks, flat-beds and all other large noisy, messy vehicles and pieces of equipment. Have this driveway run as closely as possible to neighbouring fences, gardens, trees and hedges.
Buy or rent a big, unsightly dumpster and place it where it will interfere with your neighbours view. Make sure the prevailing wind is blowing in their direction.
Erect tall sodium lamps around the workshop and plan to have them burning all night long.
Build your workshop larger than zoning regulations allow and make sure the roof is higher than necessary.
Fix drain pipes so that they empty onto other people’s property.
Leave the exterior in an unfinished state for an indefinite period of time. Another option is to paint it scarlet, orange, purple, fluorescent green or a combination of all four.
Don’t worry about keeping the grounds tidy—a jumble of split two-by-fours and plywood, bent nails, rusted sheet metal, broken glass, half used paint cans, petrified brushes and discarded tools gives the area a rustic, lived-in look.
Part II: Make No Plans
Before starting on the interior of your workshop, be sure to draw up a detailed, accurate floor plan—then determine never to follow it under any circumstances.
Do not divide your workshop into separate rooms. An open concept is best—you’ll need plenty of space in which to throw things when you get mad.
Don’t use soundproofing in the walls or the ceilings. In fact it’s best to try and create an echo-chamber effect. You want your power tools to sound as loud as possible, both inside and out
Cut two or three large window facing the direction of your neighbours houses.
Install a stereo—buy the biggest speakers you can possibly afford.
Wire in lots of bright lights and forget to turn them off as often as possible.
Arrange work benches, saw horses, storage units and equipment without giving any rational thought whatsoever to convenience or ease of use. This will make things difficult as possible for delivery persons and also for family members (such as your model brother) who want to borrow your workshop for a project of their own.
Part III: Equipped for Wreaking Havoc
Here’s a basic list of the equipment, tools and accessories you’ll need when stocking a workshop:
A sledgehammer is a must for smashing holes in the workbench and walls when things don’t go exactly the way you want them to. A chainsaw can be used in areas where there is not enough room to swing a hammer.
Several packages of widgets in a variety of colours and sized. These come in handy when you don’t feel like working, yet want to create the impression that you’re producing something. Just scatter them over your workbench. No one will know the difference.
An extremely noisy power tool or machine, such as a pneumatic drill or industrial press. These will come in handy when you want to annoy your neighbours at three in the morning.
A dictionary of colourful swear words for when problems crop up.
A complete unabridged copy of “Murphy’s Laws.”
A collection of tapes or CD’s featuring music you know your neighbours hate. Pick bands like “Toxic Waste” or “Skeletal Remains.”
A package of fluorescent, glow-in-the-dark, indelible markers with which to decorate walls, floor, benchers, windows when you can’t think of anything better to do. (Cans of spray paint can also be substitutes.) Subject matter can include obscene pictures, foul language and highly insulting remarks concerning individuals against whom you hold a long standing grudge (such as your dear angelic little brother. Use your creativity.
A huge bag of Styrofoam packaging peanuts. People love receiving finished products packed in these things and spending the next two days removing them from clothes, hair, carpets and every other electrically-charged surface in the house.
A box of raw sulphur (brimstone) to burn—this is a great way to stink up the whole neighbourhood.
A case of high grade motor oil for when you get thirsty
Several large sheets of glass to break when things get rough. Recent studies have shown that the sound of smashing glass markedly reduces tension levels in maladjusted androids.
If all else fails, a tin of fire starter with which to burn the place to the ground.
Part IV: Lore’s Laws
Copy these out on a big sheet of paper and pin it to the wall in a prominent place:
Get yourself an attitude
Cultivate irrational, disorganised, completely haphazard working habits.
Arrange to work during the night preferably between the hours of and
Any tool or machine that breaks down halfway through a job should promptly be hurled across the room and then smashed into as many small pieces as you can manage.
Any project that does not work out absolutely perfectly the first time round, provides sufficient grounds for losing your temper completely.
Always overcharge your customers and feel free to punch out anyone who refuses to pay, regardless of how exorbitant your prices are.
You are now ready to get down to business with a capital “B.” In the next chapter we’ll take a look at one of the most common outdoor handyandroid projects – house painting. Among other things, you’ll learn to:
Choose a nauseating colour scheme
Achieve an artistic half-finished look
Put a coat of paint on upside down.
A tantrum a day keeps the cyberneticist away (and everyone else too)
Plagued by mould, mildew and mayhem? Are leaky taps, squeaky doors and obnoxious neighbours driving you to drink? For totally useless solutions to these and other home related conundrums ….
JUST ASK LORE!
Question: Every winter I have a major problem with condensation on my windows. It takes me ten minutes each morning to mop up the puddles on all the windowsills. What do you suggest?
Answer: Too much condensation on your window usually meant there’s too much hot air in the house. Are you married to a politician? If so, divorce ort murder are probably the only answers. If not, your only other alternatives are to move to a bigger house, sell the kids or take turns breathing.
Q. My family and I
will be wintering in
A: Wake up and smell the coffee, Jett. Don’t you know you should never broadcast the fact that you’re going away for long periods of time? Forget the pipes. You’d better concentrate on insuring your television sets, VCR’s, CD players and home computer – unless you want to be the victim of a burglary sometime during the next six months. (PS what’s your street address?)
Q. What can I do to stop my daughter’s bed from squeaking at night?
A: Your daughter’s boyfriend probably has the answer to that one, Coyle.
Q: We recently moved to an older home and have been bothered ever since by loud banging noises coming from the to air ducts. Would this be caused by the metal expanding and contracting as the heat goes on and off? If so what can we do to stop it?
Mr & Mrs Vent
A: It’s highly probably that the noises are being caused by any form of molecular activity within the metal. However that’s far too boring and mundane explanation. Looks like you’ve got yourself a poltergeist there.
Q: I’ve just inherited an exquisite mahogany dining table from my great aunt Murgatroyd. How can I best preserve its beauty for generations to come?
A: Drain cleaner,
coarse sand paper,
Q: A friend’s car recently left an unsightly oil stain on our new interlocking paving stones. How can we get rid of it?
A: Isn’t it obvious? Tell your friend to get busy with a scrub brush and a bucket of cleaning compound or you’ll slash his tyres.
Q: I’m planning on laying out a parquet floor in my library using a pattern of unique shapes. I need to know how to calculate the area of a polygon. Can you help?
A: You idiot! How dare you waste my time with such a stupid question! For crying out loud any clown with the tiniest fragment of a brain adhering to the inside of his skull knows that. Get a life, gee.