Disclaimers: Universal/Renaissance own the Xenaverse, created by Rob Tapert.

Summary: Hades has to rescue Persephone

Rating PG Ė Humour

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DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

 

Hades sighed as he looked around the desolate battlefield, not a soul surviving and he began indicating where the dead were to be lead. Heíd lost count of the many battle sites heíd had to attend in is reign of King of the Underworld and this was no different.

"Elysian Fields... Tartarus .... Elysian Fields, Ditto, Tartarus, Tartarus, Tartarus, Tartarus ... What is it with these evil bastards?"

Charon shrugged. "Stupid shmucks, yaíd think theyíd learn."

Hades nodded in agreement and continued. And stopped dead when an ear-piercing scream emitted from the Underworld.

And again.

"Oh My Gods ..." Hades gasped. "Itís Persephone..."

Charon stared at the Boss. "You sure?"

Hades nodded worriedly as his beloved screamed again. "Charon, I have to go to her."

The pasty boatman nodded. "But Zeus wonít be happy about you leaviní-" he gestured.

Hades turned to him. "Charon, Iím going to do something no God has ever done before."

"Uh oh..."

Hades gave a small smile. "Iím going to temporarily transfer my powers of Judgement on to you, so you can finish this."

Charon stared.

"Iím sorry, but I canít leave her."

"Ya ... sure ... sure thing, Boss. What do I have to do?"

"Stand still."

Hades closed his eyes and centred himself, then laced his hands on Charonís shoulders, and gently completed the transfer. He caught his ferryman as Charon stumbled.

"Youíll feel a little queasy for a few moments."

"Now he tells me..."

"How did it feel?" Hades asked.

Charon smiled. "Better than sex."

"Charon!"

The Boatman laughed, Hades shook his head and smiled.

"So what do I do now, do I just point and shoot?" He pointed his finger at one of the dead warriors.

"Thatís basically it," Hades said, just tune yourself into the personís soul and if theyíve done more good than evil, Elysian Fields, and vice versa for Tartarus and if theyíve done bugger all, send them to Asphodel."

Charon chuckled. "You know I think I like being you."

"Donít get too comfortable," Hades said with a smile.

"What about that one?" Charon asked. "Elysian Fields?"

Hades looked over. "You tell me."

"Well he ... oh my ... killed his mother and raped his sister. So Tartarus then.

"Exactly."

"Aww, but heís cute!"

Hades gave Charon a look.

The Boatman smiled back. "Just kiddiní"

Persephone screamed again, this time louder and longer.

Hades looked worried again.

"Who do you suppose-" Charon started to say.

"I donít know, but they will not leave the Underworld alive."

"Most donít, you know."

Hades gave a small smile.

"What if itís Poseidon again?"

Hades glowered. "Then Iíll cut off his balls and feed them to Scylla."

Again the Queen of the Underworld screamed.

"Iíve got to go..." Worriedly, Hades disappeared in a ball of flame.

The Lord of the Underworld appeared in his Realm, sword drawn ready to defend his love to the death as he burst into their chambers. Persephone stood, her hair frazzled, wreath lopsided and in her hand she held an amphora, upside down. Although there was no one else in the room. Persephone jumped when her husband appeared.

"Whatís wrong?" he asked her.

The Goddess took a deep breath. "Iím all right..." she said.

Hades looked at her, concerned. "Persephone, whatís the matter?"

"Nothing, Iím fine..." She seemed embarrassed.

"Fine? ... People donít scream when theyíre fine."

"Oh ... You heard me."

"Greece heard you, parts of Rome did too, hell I bet they could hear you in Brittany."

"Oh ... sorry ... I just thought I saw something, thatís all..."

"Persephone, what is it?" Hades asked, concerned.

In a flash, something dark scurried across the ledge, in amongst the ornaments and small bottles. Persephone screamed and leapt into Hadesí arms.

"I donít believe this ..." Hades said, incredulous, putting his wife down, though she clung to his arm.

"I transfer my Judgement powers to Charon, rush down here from a battle site... For a bloody cockroach!"

Persephone felt guilty, though refused to back down. "Have you seen the thing? Itís huge! And it was ... crawling in my hair." The Goddess of Spring visibly shuddered.

Hades sighed. The cockroach scampered down the side of the wooden ledge.

"There it goes! There it goes!" Persephone screamed.

"This isnít happening ..." Hades said quietly, shaking his head.

"How the hell did it get in here anyway?" his wife demanded.

Hades shrugged. "Maybe it got lost."

"Well kill the damn thing!" Persephone screamed, hysterically as it scurried across her foot. Hades grimaced.

The brown menace darted across the floor. Hades hurled a fireball after it, though too far and missed. Persephone followed suit, though missed as the insect changed direction. The next two fireballs collided with each other, as the Gods tried to rid their home of this unwanted pest.

Pretty soon, the room was a mess, smouldering bed coverings, smashed ornaments and two very annoyed Gods.

"Leave it for now," Hades said.

"Leave it?! What if it gets into my bouquets, or your robes?"

Hades shuddered, but shook it off. "Thereís no use fretting until it comes out from wherever its hiding. Charonís returning and I need to get my powers back. I feel naked without them. Though it in quite a unique experience."

"That could be fun," Persephone said with a smile, momentarily forgetting her traumatic experience.

"Are you all right, My Queen?" Charon asked, concerned, noticing her dishevelled hair and dirty white dress.

He took her hand and kissed it.

"Yes ... yes, Charon, Iím fine," Persephone said, regaining her dignity, "thanks to my husband."

"Youíre a good man, Boss."

Hades smiled.

Charon suddenly stared at his King and Queen, then hollered hysterically.

"Ohh by the Gods above ... a cockroach?! You have gotta be shittiní me!"

Persephone looked mortified. Hades tried unsuccessfully to stifle a smile. Persephone smacked him.

Charon still could not stop laughing. The Goddess of Spring glared at him.

The Boatman pulled a straight face. "Sorry, MíQueen ... I still have your hubbyís powers of judgement."

"Well give them back," she demanded, trying not to smile herself.

"Can I just play with them for a day?"

"No," Hades said.

"An hour?"

The Lord of the Dead placed his hands on his hips.

"Ten minutes? It was fun."

Hades smiled. "Glad you liked it. Now, Charon, stand still."

The Boatman pouted, though did as he was told as Hades reversed the procedure.

"It was more fun the other way around," Charon said. "Maybe some other time."

"Maybe," Hades said.

"Maybe when thereís another evil bug terrorising your realm."

Persephone gave Charon a menacing look, though could not hold back a smile.

"Away with you."

"Yes, Your Highness."

And he pulled away on his ferry and realised although he no longer had Hadesí powers of judgement, he had become a better judge of character.

The King and Queen of the Underworld returned to their bed chambers and Hades was not looking forward to a cockroach hunting expedition, but knew his wife would not rest until the little cretin had been ... well, sent to Hades.

Persephone squealed with delight as she mashed the beast with her sandal. Hades sighed with relief.

"That takes care of that," she said, satisfied, cleaning her footwear. "I hope you send the damn thing to Tartarus."

"In all honesty, it did nothing wrong."

"Nothing wrong!?" Persephone fumed. "It freaked the living daylights out of me, and I just washed my hair and ... it was just .... eww!"

Hades smiled. "Seph, itís not evil, so I canít send it to Tartarus."

"Well do you really want that thing running around, freaking out everyone in the Elysian Fields. I can just see it now. Youíre dead, welcome to the Elysian Fields. Mind the cockroaches."

Hades chuckled.

"At least send it to Asphodel, then!"

Hades sighed. "I have a solution ... Though I really have to make an Underworld for insects ... Never thought of that before."

The Lord of the Underworld waved his hand. The cockroach's maimed body vanished and the bed chambers was restored to its former glory.

A happy cockroach, counting its blessings, scurried up and over the deserted battlefield. What it was thinking, only Hades knew.

Persephone smiled as she turned to her husband. "Thank you, you saved my life."

"My pleasure. My Love ..." Hades smiled back and sat on the bed. "Do you still want that unique experience?"

"What do you think?" the Goddess of Spring asked, with a smile beginning to remove her belovedís black as night velvet robe ...

 

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