Disclaimers: Universal/Renaissance owns the
Xenaverse, created by Rob Tapert.
No profit is being made from this writing.
It is written for the enjoyment of those who wish to have fun!
Summary: This is a tasteful parody of the godawful series 5 finale
Warning: You must be in a silly space to
read this!
Rating G - Humour
Enjoy!
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PEACHES
AND CREAM
Weapons of defence and attack flying amok in
this colossal battle between the mortal Xena and the Gods.
Confidently, Hades approached Eve, his
weapon materializing in his hand. "How did you think it would
end?..."
A smile on his face, the Lord of the Dead
hurled it at the helpless Eve. A piercing cry cut the air, Xena caught Hades'
weapon in mid air, hurling it back at him, the Lord of the Underworld hit smack
in the face by a chocolate meringue pie.
A stifled cry of rage as he fell backwards,
with a scowl that would frighten Phobos, God of Fear. Athena screamed in anger.
Hephaestos hurled a chicken and mushroom number at the Warrior Princess, Xena
deflected it with her Chakram, right back into him. Aphrodite gasped. Xena
grabbed a passionfruit iced rainbow cupcake and held it menacingly.
"No!" Aphrodite exclaimed.
"Stains are impossible to get out of this dress! And I only have vege pies
anyway. Meat's like way too heavy." Xena lowered her leathal weapon.
Discord ran, screaming, brandishing a mocha
eclair, only to be clobbered in the head by a wayward sweet blueberry bagel.
Demios hollered, hurling a volley of choc-chip muffins, only to have his own
defence slam back into him, much to his fury. Two of Artemis' pretzels whizzed
through the air, Xena caught them, ate one, and hurled the other back at the
Goddess of the Hunt, the latter looking rather miffed, Athena, looking
incredibly frustrated.
"You still think the odds are against
me?" Xena said. "I'm giving you the opportunity to leave, or would
you rather be suckin' fish cake like Poseidon?"
"Never!" Athena yelled. "You
may have defeated the most powerful of the Gods, Xena ..." She shuddered
remembering how Xena and Hercules had pied Zeus and Hera with their own steak
and kidney ... Her rage flaring, she released a volley of strawberry iced mini
doughnuts, Xena swerved and they slammed into Ares, dropping his rhubarb
custard tart. "Hey!"
Athena winced.
"Leave. Now." Xena demanded.
"I will not be dictated to by a
mortal!!" the Goddess of War screamed in fury, hurling cream filled brandy
snaps.
Xena dodged them all, bar the one she caught,
hurling it back into Athena, the Goddess of War and Wisdom screaming in rage as
she glared at the mortal. "Next time, Warrior Princess, you won't be so
lucky..."
"Yeah, right, whatever..."
The defeated Gods disappeared back to their
realms, bar Hades.
Xena started to leave the house with the
cream pied Gabrielle, and Eve, failing to notice Hades sit up and wipe
chocolate from his face. He looked over, to see the backs of the three mortal
women, and grinned as he stood, another beautifully made chocolate meringue
pie, with extra cream, forming in his hand and he hurled it. "Xena!"
The Warrior Princess turned, just in time to
be smacked in the face. Hades was certain her scream of rage could be heard at
the very top of Mount Olympus.
Wiping pie from her eyes, Xena drew her
sword, glaring menacingly at the Lord of the Dead.
"Gotcha." Hades stuck his tongue
out and he waved as he disappeared.
Xena scowled. Gabrielle and Eve could hold
their laughter no longer. Xena's scowl deepened.
"At least it's chocolate,"
Gabrielle said wiping some from Xena's cheek and tasting. "Mmm ... Hades
has style..."
Xena grunted.
The Lord of the Underworld rematerialised in
his Realm, greeted by his sister, Celesta.
"You look like you've seen better
days."
Hades smiled. "But Gods … it
was it worth it..."
"Chocolate ... Ooh, you only use these
for very special occasions..." She wiped some from his smooth cheek.
"You don't have a pie mark on
you," Hades remarked, snapping his fingers, his cream pied face and gown
immaculate.
"Unfortunately, I couldn't join the
fun, I had mortals to attend to."
Hades smiled and materialised another
chocolate pie.
Celesta stared at him. "You
wouldn't!"
Hades grinned, then chuckled. "Of
course not. We'd never get the stains
out of that lovely white dress."
The two Gods laughed and began to share the
milk, white and dark chocolate delicacy.
"From the angry rumblings on Mount
Olympus, I take it Xena won.."
Hades smiled. "For the most part ...
This time ... Hey … There's always next
year."
Death took another piece of chocolate
trilogy pie from her brother. Hades wiped a small wayward chocolate sliver from
her delicate mouth.
"But Xena always wins ..." Celesta
said, disheartened. "She's so determined and resourceful ... What can we
do?"
"I have an idea I'll share with the
others ... I've been thinking of a pillow fight."
"A pillow fight!" Celesta giggled.
"When we were young, you always used to win... Though you did let me win
once or twice..." Her brother smiled. "...And the way you expertly
handle those cushions of the night..."
Hades grinned as he swallowed some more
chocolate.
"Xena won't stand a chance..."
*
Disclaimer:
All
the Gods and mortals gained weight
during
the writing of this story ...
~~~~~~