Disclaimers: Universal/Renaissance owns the Xenaverse, created by Rob Tapert.

No profit is being made from this writing. It is written for the enjoyment of those who wish to have fun!

Summary: This is a tasteful parody of the godawful series 5 finale 

Warning: You must be in a silly space to read this!

 Rating G - Humour

 

Enjoy!

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PEACHES AND CREAM

 

Weapons of defence and attack flying amok in this colossal battle between the mortal Xena and the Gods.

Confidently, Hades approached Eve, his weapon materializing in his hand. "How did you think it would end?..."

A smile on his face, the Lord of the Dead hurled it at the helpless Eve. A piercing cry cut the air, Xena caught Hades' weapon in mid air, hurling it back at him, the Lord of the Underworld hit smack in the face by a chocolate meringue pie.

A stifled cry of rage as he fell backwards, with a scowl that would frighten Phobos, God of Fear. Athena screamed in anger. Hephaestos hurled a chicken and mushroom number at the Warrior Princess, Xena deflected it with her Chakram, right back into him. Aphrodite gasped. Xena grabbed a passionfruit iced rainbow cupcake and held it menacingly.

"No!" Aphrodite exclaimed. "Stains are impossible to get out of this dress! And I only have vege pies anyway. Meat's like way too heavy." Xena lowered her leathal weapon.

Discord ran, screaming, brandishing a mocha eclair, only to be clobbered in the head by a wayward sweet blueberry bagel. Demios hollered, hurling a volley of choc-chip muffins, only to have his own defence slam back into him, much to his fury. Two of Artemis' pretzels whizzed through the air, Xena caught them, ate one, and hurled the other back at the Goddess of the Hunt, the latter looking rather miffed, Athena, looking incredibly frustrated.

"You still think the odds are against me?" Xena said. "I'm giving you the opportunity to leave, or would you rather be suckin' fish cake like Poseidon?"

"Never!" Athena yelled. "You may have defeated the most powerful of the Gods, Xena ..." She shuddered remembering how Xena and Hercules had pied Zeus and Hera with their own steak and kidney ... Her rage flaring, she released a volley of strawberry iced mini doughnuts, Xena swerved and they slammed into Ares, dropping his rhubarb custard tart. "Hey!"

Athena winced.

"Leave. Now." Xena demanded.

"I will not be dictated to by a mortal!!" the Goddess of War screamed in fury, hurling cream filled brandy snaps.

Xena dodged them all, bar the one she caught, hurling it back into Athena, the Goddess of War and Wisdom screaming in rage as she glared at the mortal. "Next time, Warrior Princess, you won't be so lucky..."

"Yeah, right, whatever..."

The defeated Gods disappeared back to their realms, bar Hades.

Xena started to leave the house with the cream pied Gabrielle, and Eve, failing to notice Hades sit up and wipe chocolate from his face. He looked over, to see the backs of the three mortal women, and grinned as he stood, another beautifully made chocolate meringue pie, with extra cream, forming in his hand and he hurled it. "Xena!"

The Warrior Princess turned, just in time to be smacked in the face. Hades was certain her scream of rage could be heard at the very top of Mount Olympus.

Wiping pie from her eyes, Xena drew her sword, glaring menacingly at the Lord of the Dead.

"Gotcha." Hades stuck his tongue out and he waved as he disappeared.

Xena scowled. Gabrielle and Eve could hold their laughter no longer. Xena's scowl deepened.

"At least it's chocolate," Gabrielle said wiping some from Xena's cheek and tasting. "Mmm ... Hades has style..."

Xena grunted.

 

The Lord of the Underworld rematerialised in his Realm, greeted by his sister, Celesta.

"You look like you've seen better days."

Hades smiled. "But Gods it was it worth it..."

"Chocolate ... Ooh, you only use these for very special occasions..." She wiped some from his smooth cheek.

"You don't have a pie mark on you," Hades remarked, snapping his fingers, his cream pied face and gown immaculate.

"Unfortunately, I couldn't join the fun, I had mortals to attend to."

Hades smiled and materialised another chocolate pie.

Celesta stared at him. "You wouldn't!"

Hades grinned, then chuckled. "Of course not. We'd never get the stains out of that lovely white dress."

The two Gods laughed and began to share the milk, white and dark chocolate delicacy.

"From the angry rumblings on Mount Olympus, I take it Xena won.."

Hades smiled. "For the most part ... This time ... Hey There's always next year."

Death took another piece of chocolate trilogy pie from her brother. Hades wiped a small wayward chocolate sliver from her delicate mouth.

"But Xena always wins ..." Celesta said, disheartened. "She's so determined and resourceful ... What can we do?"

"I have an idea I'll share with the others ... I've been thinking of a pillow fight."

"A pillow fight!" Celesta giggled. "When we were young, you always used to win... Though you did let me win once or twice..." Her brother smiled. "...And the way you expertly handle those cushions of the night..."

Hades grinned as he swallowed some more chocolate.

 

"Xena won't stand a chance..."

*

 

Disclaimer:

 

All the Gods and mortals gained weight

during the writing of this story ...

 

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