Disclaimers: Red Dwarf was created by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor.
I make no monetary profit from my fanfic.
Summary: Aanndroids ... everybody needs good Aaandroids ...
Rating - PG
ANDROIDS - The Mechanoid Soapie
EPISODE NO: 11001001 - The Finale of this Epic Cyber Soapie
Days of our Cyber Lives
The Iron Woman
Sorry ... Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk, Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's my Thribble!
"Aaaaaandroids, everybody needs good Aaaaaandroids..."
FADE IN - POSITRONIC STREET - TAKE IN HOUSE NO C3P0
INSIDE: RZ M5 is dusting the metal furniture.
RZ: There. That's it. I'm done.
She wipes her silver brow, then walks into the kitchen, to the fridge, takes out a chilled can of Castrol '79 and an olive. Then walks to the lounge room, sits in the chair and opens the can. She places the olive inside and takes a sip.
RZ: Ahh that's much better.
RZ M5 is still sitting on the chair. She has finished half her oil. The front door opens and, her husband, MZ Q2 enters.
MZ: Honeyoid, I'm home! How was your day?
RZ: All right, I suppose. The cleaning's a real drag. Especially the dusting. The dust is jamming my diodes.
MZ: (Smiles) Not to worry, dear. It's all done now.
RZ: (Nods) Yes. Let's see what's on TV.
She flicks the remote, to turn on the TV which is playing Beverly Hillbillies 90210.
RZ: Oh! Not this scrap! This show is so unbelievable. So unrealistic!
She switches the TV off, stands and walks to MZ Q2.
MZ: (Pause - serious tone) Honeytron, there's something I've got to tell you.
RZ: What darling?
MZ: I'm not sure I can tell you.
RZ: You can tell me anything.
MZ: (Long pause) I've...I've been having an affair with SL UT.
RZ: (Looks utterly shocked) What?!! .... With that bitcher-droid?! I don't believe this!! How long has is been going on?
MZ: (Pause) 6 3072 000 000 astroseconds.
RZ: (Looks shocked) And you didn't tell me?! You bastard-droid! (She slaps him across his face).
MZ: (Covers his face) But RZ, you .....
RZ: Don't but RZ me. We're married. We've been married for two years and all this time you've been having an affair behind my back. I want a divorce. In fact, I'm going to call My lawyer, 2B 4B first thing tomorrow morning. (Long pause - sad tone) Oh why MZ? Why did you do this? We've always been honest with each other...and why SL UT? Everybody knows she's interfaced with every mechanoid in town.
MZ: I love her, RZ. I really do. She's beautiful. I just felt I had to tell you about our affair.
RZ: Oh yeah - Two Years later. I'm surprised you had the bolts to admit it! Anyway, why did you marry me then? You should've married her and saved me the pain, you unfaithful mechanoid!
MZ: I'm sorry, RZ.
RZ: (Bitter) Oh yes, I'll bet you are.
The closet door opens and SL UT walks out.
SL: (To MZ Q2) So ... ya' finally told a'.
RZ: (Spins around, surprised) You've been listening all along!
SL: Yeah. I 'ave. Ya so pathetic, RZ ....and by the way, what you said about me sleepin' with every mechanoid in town ain't true.
RZ: (Protests) Oh, yes it is.
SL: No it ain't. I'm still workin' on Marvin, the Paranoid Android and Starscream, Decepticon Air Commander.
RZ: (Disdainful) Hmph! Well now, the truth is known. (She looks at MZ Q2) My husband is an unfaithful scrap heap and his girlfriend is a useless mechanoid fornicator. (Pause) Some Androids do 'ave 'em, but not to worry. Things will probably work out in the end. (Pause) By the way, MZ Q2 (she glares at her husband) I just want you to know that I have been admiring another.
SL: I guess I'm impressed.
MZ: (Looks at RZ, surprised and a little shocked) Who?
RZ: (gives a smile) Wouldn't you like to know? And I haven't been having an *affair* with him - well not yet. At least *I'm* loyal.
SL UT rolls her eyes.
MZ: (Curious) RZ, who is it?
RZ: Does it matter?
MZ: (Nods) Yes. It does.
RZ: All right, s'pose it won't hurt (pause) R2 D2.
MZ: What?! That bucket o' bolts?!
RZ: You should talk! Anyway R2's nice, fun to be with and he's loyal and caring. Unlike someone *else* I know.
SL: Oh puh-leeease .... Spare us the love 'n faithful crap. Ya *pathetic*, M5.
RZ: Look who's talking, UT. You should be scrapped.
SL UT: (Disdainful) Hmph!
There is a knock at the door. RZ M5 walks to it and opens it. R2 D2 is there.
RZ: R2, I wasn't expecting you for another 3000 astroseconds. (She turns to MZ Q2.) He's taking me to the movies. We're going to see Casablancoid with Humphrey B2 and I2 Bergman. (RZ turns to R2 D2) My husband's been unfaithful to me. He's been having an affair. I'm going to divorce him and marry you at once!
MZ: (Shocked) What?! You're going to *marry* R2 D2?!
RZ: (She turns to MZ Q2) Yes. It's quite obvious. You don't want me or love me. You want her. (RZ M5 points at SL UT) Now good bye. I'm leaving.
MZ: But where will you go?
MZ: Are you going to stay in Asimovville?
RZ: No. After our wedding, I think R2 and I'll move to Cybertron. It's nice up there this time of year.
MZ: I'll miss you RZ (pause) Oh RZ .... please don't leave me...
RZ: (Turns to MZ) Get 1100 1001'D
MZ Q2 looks shocked.
MZ: (To RZ M5) Oh, RZ .... I've been a fool ...
SL: (Turns to MZ Q2, shocked) You don't want *her* do ya?
MZ: (Begs) Ohh... Please don't leave me, RZ ....
SL: (Disdainful) Oh my gawd...This is makin' me sick...If mechanoids could barf, I'd've filled a bucket by now. I'm leavin'. There're plenty other mechanoids around. Ya not the only one in town MZ. There's still Marvin and Starscream, oh yeah, and Lizardo the Transvestite! (She storms off in high dungeon, pushing past R2 D2).
MZ: She meant nothing to me, RZ, really, now that I know what she's really like. I....I was foolish...please come back to me....I won't ever be unfaithful to you again, I promise.
RZ: I don't know about that, MZ. Many mechanoids have said that before and meant nothing. I will not go through this pain again. I'm sorry, MZ. I can't.
MZ: (sounding very upset) But RZ...What'll happen to me? What'll I do?
RZ: Frankly, my dear mechanoid, I don't give a damn.
MZ Q2 looks hurt. RZ M5 turns to the door and walks out with
R2 D2. RZ slams the door. They walk out into the street.
RZ: I hope I've made the right decision. What do you think, R2?
R2: Bleep de bloop bloop bleep.
RZ: Ooohhh R2!!!
"Aaaaaandroids, everybody needs good Aaaaaandroids..."
RZ M5 - HA DE
MZ Q2 - KYRO
SL UT - MARILYN MONROE DROID
And Special Guest Starring
R2 D2 - AS HIMSELF
... Candid shot HA DE and Marilyn hug. Kyro kisses R2
KRYTEN: (In tears with handkerchief) "Ohh, that was ... beautiful..."
DATA: "I fail to understand the logic of it all, but I found it most ... intriguing."
OPTIMUS PRIME: "Hmmmm ...It has its merits, I guess..."
LORE: "What the hell is this shit?! ... By the way I hope that SL UT's fully functional!! ... "
Further Disclaimers for various characters mentioned:
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy written by Douglas Adams (Marvin)
Star Trek created by Gene Roddenberry (Data, Lore)
Transformers owned by Hasbro (Starscream, Optimus Prime)
Star Wars owned by Lucasfilm (R2 D2)
Mutant on the Bounty written by Martin Lopez (Lizardo)
The Iron Woman written by Ted Hughes
Galaxina written by William Sachs
Author's note: I am to understand that a "thribble" is actually some type of a small brass cauldron ;)
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