Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Universe was created by J. K. Rowling.
No monetary profit is being made from this writing
Summary: Dumbledore introduces a new policy to Hogwarts, that each House is to have two head masters. Snape is not happy. He is also in for an unpleasant surprise.
Author's Notes: Anpés pronounced - Ahn-Pay.
Slight spoilers for "Philosopher's (Sorcerers) Stone."
Rating PG
Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~
THE POTIONS MISTRESS
Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff all had their secondary head teacher assigned and curiously awaited who Slytherin's would be. Professor Snape, in a mood fouler than usual stood and waited. All in the great hall were silent as Dumbledore announced Slytherin's deputy Headmistress.
A tall, thin woman strode into view, her long blonde hair tied in a tight tail behind her head. Even Snape looked somewhat impressed, though he hid it well.
Ron stared. "Wish she was ours..."
"Look aren't everything," Hermione snapped back in a whisper.
Professor Gloria Anpés turned to them and spoke in an accent somewhat reminiscent of French, but not quite and German, but not quite either. Harry couldn't quite put his finger on it, but for some reason, he decided he didn't like her.
"No one was given permission to speak," she quipped. "Ten points from Gryffindor."
Ron, Hermione and the whole of Gryffindor decided they didn't like her either.
As Professor Anpés walked toward Slytherin, Ron saw Snape smile.
"Snapey's got girlfriend," he whispered.
Not for the first time, Harry thought Snape could read minds, as the Professor glared right at them, then greeted his deputy head.
"Severus..." She smiled.
"Professor Anpés ... Glad to have you with Slytherin."
If Snape was Pinocchio, Harry thought, his nose would be longer than the Nile.
"Definitely not his girlfriend..."
* * *
Within days, Gloria Anpés has made herself as unpopular as Snape, despite being somewhat prettier. Even most Slytherins stayed out of her way. Snape avoided her too, not because he was afraid. He simply couldn't stand the woman.
"Severus, there you are..."
He hated the way she said his name ... He hated the way she sidled up to him ... He hated the way his students paid her more attention ... He hated how he could not laugh hysterically in one Potions lesson where Harry Potter's frog had leapt down her top... But he had promised Dumbledore he would be civil.
"Professor Anpés, what can I do for you?"
"Always so formal?"
Snape forced a smile. She walked with him and to his annoyance, picked up his quickened pace.
"I was wondering, Professor, with your talents, why you do not ask Dumbledore for the job you really want?"
Snape stopped, folded his arms and turned to her. "And what is that?"
Gloria smiled. "You know what and you know you're perfectly capable of it, even if Dunderdore doesn't."
Snape wasn't sure he liked her tone, and he was loathe to admit he agreed with her.
"That's Dumbledore," he said.
"Of course .. I'm sorry ... But it pains me when I see a wizard of your potential wasting away ..."
Snape almost sighed.
"Don't get me wrong, Severus, you're very good at what you do and this school would be hard pressed to find a Potions Master in your league, but you are capable of so much more... There's no one more qualified to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts..."
"Well yes ... I..."
"Hell, you could probably teach the Dark Arts."
Snape gave her a look.
"But then maybe Dumbledore has his reasons ... I mean no one wants to teach the class, but you. Have you ever wondered why he hadn't asked you?"
"Well, I ..."
"Perhaps he doesn't have faith in you. Perhaps he does not believe you are capable of it?"
Snape glowered.
Gloria smiled. "I can help you."
"You?"
She smiled again. "I may not be an expert in Potions, Severus but I do know my way around stubborn wizards. I can make Dumbledore see reason."
"I don't need-" Snape was about to say, seething.
"A woman to do your dirty work for you?"
"I wasn't going to say that," Snape said, a little flustered. "And I'll do my own dirty work, I thank you so very much."
"As you wish, Severus. Sometime before the next millennium perhaps?"
Snape glared at her. Much to his annoyance, Gloria laughed.
"My dear Professor, you're far too serious. Lighten up."
Snape glowered as she left.
* * *
"Half day!" Ron whelped.
"I don't trust her one bit," Harry said, as they came out of Potions.
"So? You don't trust Snape either. What's so special about her?"
"She's evil."
"So's Snape," Ron said.
"No, he's twisted. There's a difference ... There's something not quite right about her..."
"And who is this? ..."
Speak of the devil, Harry wanted to say, but he daren't.
"Uhh, our friend Hermione..." Ron said quickly.
"Yes, she's been feeling a bit off colour lately."
To their horror, Hermione came bounding out of the classroom.
"Your friend seems to have recovered," Professor Anpés said, unconvinced.
"Oh, the spell must have totally worn off," Ron said.
"What spell?" Hermione inquired.
"You know, the spell where you actually turned yourself into a... cactus."
"I did no such ... Ohh, yes *that* spell ... A bit prickly, almost couldn't sit down in Potions ... but I'm fine now."
"Well, Miss Granger, since you're well, and you have a half day free, you and your friends won't mind assisting myself and Professor Snape preparing for tomorrow's triple Potions lesson."
The three wanted to groan, but Gryffindor couldn't afford to lose any more points, not with Professor Anpés around.
* * *
Professor Anpés smirked as she watched a tired and dejected Harry, Ron and Hermione leave the classroom for their dorms after four hours of preparing for the next Potions class ... and cleaning up after the last one. Snape almost felt sorry for them. Almost.
"Now that everything's set up," Gloria said. "before we begin the next class, I would like to do some background reading, Severus. However, being the secondary head, I do not have access to the restricted section of the library and there are a few ancient books I need to peruse."
Snape smiled. At last he had something she didn't.
"So you need my permission."
She gave him her best impression of puppy dog eyes, though she looked more like a Rottweiler about to murder a kitten.
"Very well," Snape said. He took the card from her and signed it.
"Oh, and I also need access to your office for the supplies I need to practice for the class tomorrow."
Snape handed her the key.
* * *
In the dead of night, Hermione bounded to Harry and Ron.
"I found out who she is!" the girl whispered excitedly.
"Who?"
"Professor Anpés."
"We know who she is," Ron said. "She's the deputy head of Slytherin and about as nice as he is."
"Yes, yes ... But do you know *who* she is?"
"Well ... she never talks about herself much ..." Harry said. "Come to think of it, she always avoids it and changes the subject when anyone asks."
"And this is why. Look."
Hermione opened the book. Harry and Ron gasped.
"No wonder she doesn't want anyone to know ..." Ron said. "If Snape was my brother I wouldn't want anyone to know either..."
"And if she was my sister, I'd keep quiet," Hermione said.
"How'd you figure it out?"
"Simple," Hermione said, almost drawing a groan form both boys. "Anpés is an anagram of Snape. And look at this ... she was never accepted into Hogwarts, because she had too much darkness in her. It mentions she has a brother, but it doesn't say who."
"So you think Snape knows?" Ron asked.
"They do spend a lot of time together," Harry said.
"Snape hates her."
"Snape hates everyone, what makes her so special?"
"Whatever the case, it says here she's heavily into dark magic."
"So do you think she and Snape-"
"I'm not sure, but we should go and-"
"Hold it right there," Ron said, "every time we go on some hero stint, we lose points and someone gets hurt..."
"And last time we suspected Snape, he turned out to be innocent," Hermione pointed out.
"But we have to be sure..."
* * *
In the depths of he library ...
"Did you obtain what I require?"
Gloria's triumphant smile told the talking mist what he wanted to hear.
"Excellent. You will go far, young Gloria. Have you dealt with him yet?"
Silently, Severus watched from the sidelines.
"I will soon. I've set up a nasty little surprise for tomorrow's lesson. Too bad I will be ill and won' be able to attend ... The second the little darlings add the dragon's blood to their cauldrons -- boom."
The mist laughed, a horrible sound that sent a shiver up Snape's spine.
"Oh, and My Lord," Gloria continued, "Harry Potter and his friends are in that class and I will take care of Dumbledore."
"You have done well and you will be rewarded."
It fell into place, all the prodding and teasing ... was to get him off guard, question himself ... Make him feel inadequate... And Snape realised why. Only he, Dumbledore and Harry Potter had ever stood in Voldemort's way. With them out of the way, taking Hogwarts would be a snitch.
"A pity Snape didn't want in on the fun," the mist continued. "He's the only one here I rather liked."
Snape didn't know whether to feel honoured or repulsed.
"You sure he suspects nothing."
Gloria chucked. "My dear brother gave me the key."
The mist laughed again.
Snape stared, mouth open, his eyes wide, he almost stumbled, almost forgetting had given her the key to his old storeroom, which housed ingredients long past their supposed use-by date. And he felt something bump into him. He almost gasped. So did an invisible Harry, Ron and Hermione.
"I must leave you now, My Lord. Tomorrow the day will be ours."
"For your sake, Gloria Snape, you had better hope so."
The woman forced a smile as the mist vanished and 'Professor Anpés' made quick her exit.
Professor Snape looked down. "Potter, I know it's you."
Harry let the cape fall away. "We found out that Professor
Anpe-"
"I know."
Harry, Ron and Hermione could see at once Snape, again wasn't the guilty party.
"Sorry that we ..."
"No time for that now," Snape said quietly. "Go to my office and get the jar of grey powdered Asphodel. Mix one level tablespoon into every cauldron. Yes, even Malfoy's." He gave Harry the key to his office and another one to the dungeons.
Potter smiled. "That'll negate the effect of the dragons blood?"
"Unfortunately, Asphodel is the only thing that will do it. It'll make an awful stench, but better that than being blown to kingdom come."
"And what about your sister?"
"That woman is not my sister!" Snape snapped. "I will keep her busy while you fix the cauldrons. You won't have much time."
"Yes, Professor."
Harry felt odd speaking to Snape this way, but in this situation it kind of worked.
"And you know I really should take points of Gryffindor for spying..." Snape smiled. It was quite odd. "Hurry along now."
Ron and Hermione want back to their dorms, worrying about Harry, and oddly about Snape too.
Harry had butterflies when he went into Snape's office. The place wasn't as bad as he thought, no cobwebs or vampire bats ... But he wasn't here to admire the decor. The young wizard found the Asphodel in next to no time, shoved it under his invisibility cloak and headed straight for the dungeon. Not a place he wanted to be, not a place he'd ever wanted to be, but he didn't have much of a choice.
"There you are," Snape said, forcing a smile. "Couldn't sleep?"
"Oh, I'm afraid not ... I think I may be coming down with something ... Weak immune system, get it from mother's side ... Or maybe I just mixed the wrong potions... Either way, I feel like a crashed broomstick."
"That's too bad. Perhaps you should go to the hospital wing? Have Madame Pomfrey take a look at you?"
"Oh, it's not that bad. Nothing a glass of water and a bit of rest won't cure."
"I'm sure."
"So I'm afraid I won't be able to assist you with your Potions class tomorrow. You're going to have to face the little darlings on your own, I'm afraid."
Snape forced a smile. "Nothing I can't handle."
He turned away and could almost see Gloria's triumphant smile.
"Good night, Professor."
He didn't answer her.
The last cauldron Harry placed the Asphodel in was Malfoy's. He placed the jar under his jacket again, left the dungeon, careful to lock the door. He almost dropped the Asphodel jar as he bumped into Professor 'Anpés' in the corridor.
"And what are you doing up this hour, young man?"
He was tempted to ask her the same question.
"Sorry, Professor, couldn't sleep ..."
"Well get back to your dorm quick smart and twenty points from Gryffindor, trying to conceal yourself in an invisibility cloak indeed!"
"Sorry, ma'am."
Harry hurried the other way, quickly entered Snape's office, put the Asphodel away, returned the keys to their owner and hurried back to his dorm, just before Gloria almost saw him again.
"How'd it go?"
Harry had to stop panting first. "Okay ... I don't think she suspects anything ..."
"What about Snape ... are you sure ..."
"Yes, he might be a cranky old bastard, but he'd never really hurt anyone ..."
"You sound like you're starting to like him."
"Merlin forbid!"
The two boys shared a chuckle before trying to fall asleep.
* * *
The students wondered why Professor Snape had asked them all to wear pegs on their noses for the morning's Potions Class. Malfoy refused, but when he added the Dragon's Blood to his potion, he wished he hadn't.
* * *
Only Snape, Harry, Ron and Hermione could see in her face just how furious Gloria was. She composed herself and carrying a velvet satchel went to meet the misty Voldemort again.
The foursome followed at a distance.
"I am not pleased."
"I apologise, Lord Voldemort ... It was that Potter child... I saw him sneaking around last night ... He must have put the Asphodel in..."
"And how did he know that ... Only the most experienced of wizards would know such a thing. Perhaps your brother is more capable than you gave him credit for."
Gloria forced a smile. "Yes, My Lord ... But I have the other ingredients you asked for."
"Good. I'll just have to take care of Harry, Snape and the others in my own good time. Open the bag."
Gloria did so and chanted. "Apparere Lord Voldemort!" She sprinkled the contents of the bag onto him.
"You fool!" He screamed. The mist looked like it was having an allergic reaction. "These ingredients are over one hundred years old! They're useless, and so are you. Prepare to meet your creator!"
"No, Lord Voldemort, please ... Give me another chance, I-"
"I do not give second chances, witch!"
As Voldemort's blast hit Gloria, another voice was heard.
"Vertere!"
A bolt shot from Snape's wand, transforming Gloria into a cat.
The mist sneered. "Severus, so nice to see you again."
"Can't say the feeling's mutual."
"Never were one for pleasantries, were you?"
Snape glared at him.
"Farewell for now, Professor, oh, and take care of your cat."
The mist lost its form and vanished.
Severus glowered as the kitten walked toward him mewing.
"So she's..." Ron began to say.
"A cat," Snape said. "No memory of being human at all. The spell is irreversable."
Hermione knelt down and the kitten playfully started playing with her long hair. "She's soooo cute!"
"You could have let him kill her," Harry said to Snape.
"I could have ... Take her to Filch. Mrs Norris could probably do with a playmate."
"I'll take her," Hermione said, scooping Gloria up into her arms.
Snape refused to pet her.
"There's one thing, Professor ..." Harry began.
"And what is that?"
"If those ingredients are so old ... Why do you keep them?"
"As you have just seen, they come in handy at times, and they make excellent fertiliser. The Whomping Willow loves them..."
* * *
Dumbledore was rather disappointed that the policy to introduce two house heads was a ploy by none other than Voldemort himself. Snape was relieved to know that the old headmaster was the only one, besides Harry and his friends who knew the true identity of Miss Gloria Anpés, and Harry had a feeling that if he, Ron or Hermione let it slip who she was, they'd be coughing up furballs too.
* * *
Harry sat in Potions, relieved the stench had left the classroom at long last. He was the first student to arrive. Snape seemed surprised, but then his face darkened. "Now don't you go thinking I've gotten soft. This changes nothing between us, Potter."
"Of course not, Professor," Harry said, but he was sure he saw Snape smile ever so slightly as he turned toward his cauldron.
*