Disclaimer:
The Discworld Universe was created by Terry Pratchett. All Hail!
;)
I make no Royal Dollars from my writing, only
the laughter it brings - hopefully!
Summary:
Death needs help and there’s only one person he can call ... and no,
it’s not the Ghostbusters ...
Author’s note:
This story began as a dream I had in the wee hours one cold Winter’s
morn ...
Rating G
Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DISCWORLD FANFIC
DEATH AND GINGER
Almost
everyone on the Disc was frantic as their flat world on the back of four
ginormous elephants on the back of an even more ginormous turtle was in
disarray.
Even
Death’s realm had become unstable and he was at a loss. He’d even tried string and duct tape, but
had nothing worked and he realised he needed help and knew of only one person
he could call.
* * *
“Go away,” Rincewind said. “I’m not ready yet.”
I HAVE NOT COME FOR YOU.
“Then why are you here? Come for
tea, I suppose?”
Death’s
grin did not falter.
I ... UHH .... THIS IS ... PUTTING IT BLUNTLY
... I NEED YOUR HELP, YOU SEE.
“Oh?”
Death
paused before he spoke again.
AS YOU KNOW, A’TUIN IS HEADING FOR UNKNOWN
REGIONS OF SPACE.
“I’ve felt it, yes.”
YOUR KIND IS MORE SENSITIVE TO SUCH CHANGES.
“My kind, oh Wizards and magical beings you
mean?”
YES.
GET A CLUE.
“So ... you need my help do you?”
Death
made a noise, that Rincewind thought sounded rather like he was clearing his
throat.
THE ENERGY FLUCTUATIONS OF THIS NEW REGION OF
SPACE HAVE DESTABILISED MY REALM, YOU SEE.
“And let me guess, you need *me* to save it?”
BINGO. GIVE THAT MAN A ROYAL DOLLAR.
“And why would I want to do that?”
BECAUSE, RINCEWIND, IF YOU DON’T, VERY SOON,
OTHER PARTS OF THE DISC WILL BECOME UNSTABLE AND BESIDES, WITHOUT MY REALM, THE
DEAD WILL HAVE NOWHERE TO PLAY GO FISH.
Rincewind
shook his head. “All right, Death. I’ll do it ... probably kick myself in the
morning, but not even the Dead should be deprived of go fish.”
Death’s
trademark grin appeared to broaden a little.
YOU HAVE MY GRATITUDE, RINCEWIND, AND I MAY
EVEN LET YOU LIVE A LITTLE LONGER WHEN THE TIME COMES.
“Uhh ... thanks...”
* * *
“Can I come, can I come, can I come, can I
come ... please...”
“No.”
“Can I come, can I come, can I come, can I
come ... please...”
“No.”
“Can I come, can I come, can I come, can I
come ... please...”
“No.”
Tears
began to brim in Twoflower’s eyes. “Ohh
please ... Death’s Domain ... Ohh *please...*”
“Why on the Disc would you want to visit-“
“It’s one of the few places I’ve not seen on
this magnificent Disc ... Ohh please, Rincewind, I won’t be a bother, I
promise. And I just had my picture box
fixed. See?” Twoflower eagerly showed him.
Rincewind
sighed.
“Pleeeeeeease...”
“Ohh
all right ...” the Wizard gave in, unable to shun the newborn Troll look in
Twoflower’s eyes.
“Ohh thankyouthankyouthankyou...” The tourist
hugged him.
Rincewind
sighed inwardly. It was going to be one
of *those* days.
* *
*
Needless
to say Death was quite surprised, not to mention taken that a mortal wanted to
see his world, and humoured Twoflower by showing him about. The tourist had politely inquired if it was
allowed to take photographs and Death was only too happy to oblige. No one had ever *wanted* to come to his realm,
before, let alone take happy snaps.
“A bit dark,” Twoflower remarked casually.
IT’S THE UNDERWORLD. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
* *
*
Pitterpatter
pitterpatter pitterpatter ....
Rincewind
sighed as the Luggage caught up with him.
It snapped open and shut and Rincewind surmised it was very happy to see
him and it even allowed him to pat it, without so much as a grunt.
“You’d better stand over there,” Rincewind
said. “This could get ugly.”
The
Luggage appeared to nod and scurried behind a large rock, and peered out
cautiously at the Wizard.
Rincewind
closed his eyes, and gathered his energies.
“Now what was that spell again ... Oh yes ...
“ He began to raise his arms slowly.
“By the Great Galaxies ... I call forth the
Sands of Protection, The Waters of Protection, The Fires of Protection and the
... whatever else of protection...”
THAT’S ALL?
I COULD HAVE DONE THAT, Death remarked.
Rincewind
grunted. “Only a Wizard can do it and I
can just go home you know.”
UHH ... CARRY ON ...
Rincewind’s
arms raised higher as his robes took on a life of their own.
* *
*
Death’s
realm shook.
YOU’D BETTER BE ON YOUR WAY,
he said to Twoflower. LOOKS LIKE
IT‘S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE.
Twoflower
snapped one last picture of the Hill Of Night and the surrounding forests. “Ohh can’t I come again sometime?”
OF COURSE.
EVERONE DOES. SOONER OR LATER. HE IS A STRANGE ONE ...
Death
transported Twoflower to the surface, but not before the mortal patted Binky
goodbye.
* *
*
Though
he was on the surface of the Disc, Rincewind could see Death’s entire Realm,
even into Death’s bedroom ... not that he was *looking...*
The
Wizard countered the energies with the things of protection, and began to
stabilise Death’s Realm. A’Tuin seemed
aware of what was happening and began to steer clear of any negative or smelly
energy.
* *
*
A
final, powerful blast of energy hit
Death’s Realm, throwing Death right smack bang into the Gazebo.
Rincewind
looked worried as Death stood.
THAT WAS FUN.
DO IT AGAIN.
Rincewind
glared at him, trying to stifle a smile as he released the energies he’d
absorbed, harmlessly into the Universe.
From their separate vantage points, Death and Twoflower watched in awe,
such bright colours, they’d never seen anything so beautiful in his their
entire lives ... or death in Death’s case, unaware what they were seeing was in
actual fact the energetic equivalent of excrement.
When
he’d finished, Rincewind in a bright flash, collapsed, exhausted, all his energy
and power spent, and he was transformed into a plate of sushi ginger. The Luggage jumped up and down in a frantic
frenzy.
Twoflower
climbed the hill to fetch Rincewind and became concerned when he saw neither
hide nor hair nor cape of the wizard.
“Rincewind, you here?”
Then
he looked down and saw a plate of pink ginger.
Curious, not to mention somewhat puzzled, he walked toward it. Frantically, the ginger tried to tell
Twoflower who he really was, but one must remember ginger does not talk, sadly. The Luggage jumped up and down wildly. Rincewind in the form of the ginger, tried to
move, even an inch, but then ginger does not move on its own.
Becoming
more than desperate now, Rincewind’s whole life began to flash before his ...
well ginger does not have eyes ... And he began to think of all the places he
had not been, all the things he had not seen but of all the sights he had not
seen, the inside of Twoflower’s stomach was not one of them. So this was it... Rincewind hadn’t exactly
pictured that this was how it would end ... and he wondered where Death
was. //That’d be right// he mused. //Waiting until the last moment. Cheeky bugger...//
Twoflower
eyed the ginger slivers hungrily, though sensed something was incredibly odd
about this particular ginger. He looked
around. “Rincewind, where have you
gotten to?”
//I’m on the plate, down here ... If you’re
going to eat me, at least hurry up.//
The
ginger began to sparkle and Twoflower dropped the plate. Rincewind fully formed and landed with a
thud.
“Ow.”
“Oh,” Twoflower said. “There you are. I thought there was something fishy about
that ginger.”
Rincewind
hid his relief as he rubbed his sore backside.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
Rincewind
glared up at Death. “About my sore
bottom or me turning into a plate of ginger?”
THERE WAS ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY YOU WOULD HAVE
EXHAUSTED YOUR POWERS AND TURNED INTO ... SOMETHING.
“Which you conveniently neglected to
mention...”
WELL, AS I SAID, IT WAS ONLY A POSSIBILITY.
“But ginger?”
THE LAST THING ON YOUR MIND, WHICH AT THAT
POINT HAPPENED TO BE, YES, GINGER.
“I almost died.”
YOUNG TWOFLOWER REALISED THERE WAS SOMETHING
AMISS ABOUT THE GINGER.
“And if he hadn’t?” Rincewind asked, cross.
RINCEWIND YOU’RE NO FUN. I WOULD HAVE COMPENSATED, YOU DID SAVE MY
REALM AFTER ALL AND TWOFLOWER HERE HAS PROVEN HIMSELF TO BE MORE THAN JUST
AWKWARD FACE.
The
tourist beamed. “I knew it!”
Death
seemed to smile as he helped Rincewind up.
MAY IT BE A WHILE BEFORE I CLAIM YOU.
“A long while.”
“Can I have some ginger?” Twoflower asked.
Death
raised a bony finger and a plate of ginger slivers appeared in the Tourists’
hands and he gobbled it up without a second thought. Rincewind shuddered and vowed never to eat
ginger again.
The
plate disappeared. “Thanks!”
DE NADA.
Twoflower
smiled. “I’d love the chance to see your
humble abode sometime again, Death.”
YOU WILL.
“Splendid,” the Tourist smiled. “I can’t tell you what a wonderful time I’ve
had.”
Death
seemed amused.
“And I’ve learnt there are two constants in
life.”
OH?
“Death and Ginger.”
Rincewind
groaned inwardly.
Death
turned to him. CAN I DO ANYTHING FOR YOU?
The
Wizard sighed. “Just take me ... and him
home.”
YOUR WISH IS MY ...
“Just do it already.”
MY YOU’RE IN A MOOD. VERY WELL.
He
raised his other bony finger. BON VOYAGE.
The
Luggage looked up at Rincewind, opened its lid and emitted a pitiful winge,
then looked to Death, then at Rincewind again.
“Oh all right...” The Wizard sighed. “If it’s okay with Death.”
Taken
a little by surprise, Death then nodded.
HEY, SURE, WHY NOT? COULD COME IN
HANDY, he decided.
The
Luggage jumped excitedly and Rincewind decided it was the only thing on the
entire Disc that was madder than Twoflower, but then again, he thought, even
Death needs company.
In
a flash, the Wizard and Tourist disappeared to reappear in a rowdy bar in
Ankh-Morpork, leaving a perplexed Luggage, wondering where they had gone.
Death
hopped onto Binky and affectionately stroked the white horse, who snorted
softly. Death looked down at the
Luggage.
COME ON THEN.
The
Luggage looked up, snapped to attention as Death took off, the Luggage
scuttling after him, following him all the way home.
Pitterpatter
pitterpatter pitterpatter ...
*