FRASIER
"I'm Gonna Wash That Tune Right Outta My Head..."
Written By
Seawave
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FRASIER
"I'm Gonna Wash That Tune Right Outta My Head..."
CAST:
FRASIER CRANE .............................. KELSEY GRAMMER
MARTIN CRANE ............................... JOHN MAHONEY
NILES CRANE ................................ DAVID HYDE
PIERCE
DAPHNE MOON ................................ JANE LEEVES
ROZ DOYLE ..................................
PERI GILPIN
BULLDOG .................................... DAN BUTLER
EDDIE ...................................... MOOSE
DELIVERY BOY
SEATTLE LIGHT ORCHESTRA PRESENTER (V.O)
SEATED PEOPLE IN THEATRE (NON SPEAKING)
CALLERS (V.O ONLY)
GODWYN
MRS. SULLIVAN
FRASIER
"I'm Gonna Wash That Tune Right Outta My Head..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SETS:
INT.
FRASIER'S & NILES' CHILDHOOD BEDROOM
FRASIER'S
APARTMENT
LIVING
ROOM
KITCHEN
FRASIER'S BUILDING
HALLWAY
LIFT
RADIO
STUDIO
ROZ'
BOOTH
FRASIER'S
WORKPLACE
CAFE NERVOSA
THEATRE
THEATRE HALL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
FRASIER
"I'm Gonna Wash That Tune Right Outta My Head..."
ACT ONE:
FADE IN:
FLASHBACK: (DREAM
SEQUENCE)
INT. FRASIER AND NILES' CHILDHOOD BEDROOM
FRASIER AND NILES (CHILDREN) ARE JUST WAKING UP. THE DOOR TO THE BEDROOM OPENS AND A LARGE,
FUZZY GOBLIN BURSTS IN AND JUMPS ON THE BED.
GOBLIN (MARTIN)
(SINGS)
'See the little goblin, look
at
his little feet. Look at his little
nosey
wosey, isn't the goblin sweet!'
FRASIER AND NILES LOOK ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED, HUGGING ONTO
ONE AND OTHER FOR DEAR LIFE. THE
'GOBLIN' (MARTIN) TAKES OFF HIS MASK AND LAUGHS.
END FLASHBACK.
RIPPLE
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM - NOW
FRASIER LIES IN BED AND WAKES WITH A SHIVER, SHAKES HIS
HEAD, REACHES FOR A GLAS OF WATER ON HIS BEDSIDE TABLE AND TAKES A LONG GULP.
DISOLVE
TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM
FRASIER AND NILES ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE.
FRASIER
Remember
how when we were kids, Dad
used
to dress up as that fuzzy goblin?
NILES
(VISIBLY
SHUDDERS) Don't remind me.
I
still get nightmares.
FRASIER
I
had one last night.
NILES
I
sympathise wholeheartedly. You would
Think
Dad would've gotten the hint that
thing
scared the stuffing out of us.
MARTIN ENTERS. HE
LOOKS HURT.
MARTIN
You
know it wasn't easy raising two
boys. If you didn't like the little
goblin,
you could have said something.
NILES
I
thought that morning when I started
hyperventilating
might have been a
clue...
MARTIN
I
thought you were laughing!
NILES
And
then every Halloween, you brought
out
that costume and proceeded to
terrorize
the entire neighbourhood.
MARTIN
All
right, all right ... It was just
a
stupid goblin for cripes sake ...
FRASIER
Well
last night I just had a dream
that
brought it all back.
MARTIN
You
know what you've done, don't you?
FRASIER LOOKS A TAD PUZZLED.
MARTIN
I
won't be able to get that damn song
out
of my head now. (SINGS) 'See the
little
goblin, look at his little feet...'
NILES SHUDDERS.
FRASIER
And
speaking of songs one can't get out
of
their heads, I have a doozy. Has
anyone
heard that annoying ad for
that new Chinese take away restaurant?
DAPHNE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM.
DAPHNE
(SINGS) 'Emerald Chopsticks, we
deliver
to your door! Emerald
chopsticks,
try some, you'll be back
for
more!'
FRASIER
Don't
you start. (ANGRY) How dare
they
defile a timeless classic?!
'Orpheus
in the Underworld' is a
mythical
musical tale of love,
courage,
adventure and beauty in
the
ancient Grecian world, the young
hero
descended to the dark realms of
the
Underworld, facing numerous perils
to
rescue his beloved Eurydice ... Only
to
fail in the end... Tragic. (LOOKS UPSET)
DAPHNE
Didn't
Orpheus die of a broken heart?
FRASIER
Yes,
he lost the one he loved so dearly.
NILES LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S ABOUT TO CRY.
DAPHNE
Then
why so sad? If he died, his soul
would
have gone to the Underworld and
spent
eternity with Eurydice.
FRASIER
Well
putting it like that, they
would've
ended up in the Elysian
Fields
together. I suppose it was
a
happy ending after all.
NILES
(IMPRESSED) Quite.
(TO DAPHNE) Thank
you
... (BEAT) Now I can stop crying
every
time I read that tale.
DAPHNE
I'm
the same with Star Wars: Episode
One,
or any movie Liam Neeson dies in.
MARTIN
Maybe
he's in that Elysian Fields place
with
Orpheus and Eurydice.
FRASIER
(SMILES) Perhaps.
(BEAT)
Daphne,
I never knew you knew about Greek
Mythology.
DAPHNE
(SMILES) I was in a play once in high
school.
'The Abduction of Persephone.'
I
played Persephone and I tell you,
Hades
was a real looker.
FRASIER
A
little known fact.
NILES
(TO
DAPHNE) You are my Persephone.
DAPHNE
Oh
God, that means I have to live for
six
months of every year with my
mother.
NILES
Oh! How about we alter the myth so
that
Persephone spends all year with
Hades.
DAPHNE
Sounds
good to me.
FRASIER
And
why don't we make it so that Ingrid
Bergman
stays with Humphrey Bogart in
Casablanca? Sounds like all the
classics
are going to Hades.
NILES
Don't
be such a sour puss.
IN THE BACKGROUND, MARTIN TURNS ON THE TELEVISION WITH THE
REMOTE. FROM THE TV, WE HEAR:
TV
(V.O)
Emerald
Chopsticks, we deliver to your
door! Emerald Chopsticks, try some
you'll
be back for more!
FRASIER
OHHH!!! Turn it off!!
MARTIN
(SITS
IN HIS CHAIR) Get over it,
Frase.
I'm
not gonna turn it off every time
that
ad comes on. Definitely not when
the
game's on.
DAPHNE
I
think it's rather catchy, myself ...
But
speaking of nightmare songs, when I
was
at school, they made us sing
'How
Much is that Doggie in the Window'
until
we were black and blue.
NILES
Ohh,
I sympathise, I really, really do.
For
me it was, 'It's A Small World
After
All' ... Accursed school plays ...
Can
you believe they actually turned
down
Frasier and my request to do
La
Bohemme or our second choice,
Madame
Butterfly? We were most put out.
DAPHNE
Well,
it's not your usual school stuff.
We
did Gilbert & Sullivan's HMS
Pinafore.
That was a riot. (SINGS)
'For
he himself has said it, and it's
greatly
to his credit ...'
FRASIER
Daphne,
please, one song in my head is
bad
enough!
NILES
We
would have even suggested Swan Lake,
though
neither of us could do ballet.
FRASIER
(NODS) But even Gilbert & Sullivan
beats
'It's a Small World After All.'
NILES
I
could never quite get the cadence
right
and I was forced to sing the
damned
song in front of the whole
school.
FRASIER
(SMILES) I remember that. You looked
a
fright. (SINGS) 'It's a Small World
After
All ...'
NILES
(ANGRILY
COUNTERS - SINGS) 'Emerald
Chopsticks...'
FRASIER
Shut
up! That ditty makes my teeth
chatter!
DAPHNE
Speaking
of chattering teeth, I've
a
dentist appointment this morning.
Not
Looking forward to that, I can
tell
you.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. RADIO STUDIO
ROZ IS SITTING AT HER BOOTH, FIDDLING WITH ONE OF THE
SWITCHES. SHE SEES FRASIER ENTER AND
STANDS.
ROZ
Frasier,
hi. Good weekend?
FRASIER
Same
old, same old.
ROZ
That
bad, huh?
FRASIER
Me
thinks a vacation is in order.
ROZ
Hear,
hear, I'll drink to that.
Anything
special planned for lunch?
FRASIER
Niles
and I are going to pop down
to
cafe Nervosa.
ROZ
Oh,
I was thinking of going to that
new
Chinese place. Wanna come?
FRASIER
No
thank you.
ROZ
Well
aren't we touchy. You know, they
have
this cute catchy tune that goes
FRASIER
Please! I have had that annoying little
ditty
in my head all morning and I can't
shake
the damned tune!
ROZ
You
have a tune stuck in your head too, huh?
FRASIER
You
too?
ROZ
Two.
FRASIER
Oh
dear.
ROZ
Alice
and I were listening to one of her
kiddy
tapes this morning and I keep
alternating
between 'She'll be coming
'round
the mountain, and 'pop goes the
weasel.'
FRASIER
I
sympathise with you, Roz, I really do.
ROZ WALKS TO HER BOOTH.
ROZ
(SINGS)
'She'll be coming 'round the
mountain
when she comes ...'
FRASIER
Roz! I don't want that in my head too!
ROZ GIVES FRASIER A LOOK AS SHE SITS DOWN, PLACES ON HER
HEADSET AND TAPS THE INTERCOM.
FRASIER
And
Roz, who be our first caller?
ROZ
Our
first caller be Godwyn from
right
here in Seattle. He's having
problems
getting a song out of his head.
FRASIER
(MUMBLES) If it's Emerald Chopsticks,
I'll
scream.
HE PRESSES HIS INTERCOM.
FRASIER
Hello,
Godwyn, I'm listening...
Godwyn
(V.O)
You
see, Doc, I can't get this
silly
song out of my mind and
it's
driving me crazy. It's been
ten
years now.
FRASIER MOUTHS 'TEN YEARS' IN HORROR.
GODWYN (V.O)
It's
... The Twelve Days of
Christmas
... Even when Christmas
Is
ages away ... I drive everyone
crazy
... (SINGS) 'On The First
Day
of Christmas, my true love
sent
to me ...'
FRASIER
Yes
... I know the feeling. I
suggest
you steer clear of all
Christmas
songs, and don't
think
about partridges in pear
trees. Whenever you think of
that
song, drink some water.
GODWYN
(V.O)
(SINGS) 'Seven Swans a swimming...'
FRASIER
Okay
then, how about thinking of
something
else? Let's see ...
(SEES
ROZ DRINKING A MILSKAKE)
Milkshakes...?
GODWYN
(V.O)
(SINGS) 'Eight Maids a milking ...'
FRASIER
(GETTING
FRUSTRATED) Okay, how about
...
(BEAT) Anything ... Drag Queens ...
GODWYN (V.O)
Hey,
that doesn't remind me of
the
twelve days of anything! Thanks,
Doctor
Crane!
FRASIER
(SMILES
THINLY) De Nada.
Next
caller!
ROZ
(OFF
THE AIR - SINGS) 'On The
Thirteenth
Day Of Christmas, my
true
love gave to me, Thirteen
Queens
in Drag... And a partridge...'
FRASIER
Roz! Next caller!
ROZ
(SMIRKS) Our next caller is
Spike
from ...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. RADIO STUDIO
FRASIER LOOKS LIKE HE HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS.
FRASIER
(STRAINED) Yes, Mrs. Sullivan,
drink
some water and don't think
about
anything to do with the
musical
'Cats' ever again.
MRS.
SULLIVAN (V.O)
Ohh,
thank you, Doctor Crane!
Rum
Tum Tugger! Get off the table!
THE PHONE CLICKS OFF. FRASIER SLUMPS, HEAD DOWN THEN LIFTS HIS HEAD UP.
FRASIER
(SIGHS) Let's go to a commercial ...
HE GRABS THE COMMERCIAL SHEET, LOOKS AT IT AND HIS FACE
FALLS.
FRASIER
(LESS
THEN ENTHUSIASTIC - SINGS)
IRRITABLY,
TAPPING HIS FINGERS
ON
THE TANBLE) Emerald Chopsticks,
We
delier to your door ...
Emerald
Chopsticks, try some
You'll
be back for more...'
CUT
TO:
INT ROZ' BOOTH
ROZ IS SITTING IN HER BOOTH.
ROZ
(SINGS)
'Half
a pound of tuppenny rice
Half
a pound of treacle...'
DISSOLVE
TO:
A BLACK SCREEN. IN
WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "HOW MUCH IS THAT COFFEE IN THE WINDOW..."
INT. CAFE NERVOSA
FRASIER SITS WITH NILES, NURSING A LATTE.
FRASIER
A
fifty says my day was worse than
yours.
NILES
You
owe me fifty.
FRASIER
Ohh,
I don't know about that, you
haven't
even told me about your day.
NILES
Every
patient, every single one
couldn't
get some song or another
out
of their heads ... And wanted me
to
make it all better ... I mean one
of
them even sang (SHUDERS) 'It's a
Small
World After All' ... How could
I
advise her when the same damned
song
is in my head? It was degrading.
What
is the psychiatrists community
going
to think of me?
FRASIER
You
should have told her to drink
some
water and to think of anything
but
a small world, and laughter and ...
NILES
I
did.
FRASIER
What
happened?
NILES
What
do you think? (SINGS) 'It's a
small
world after all...'
FRASIER
Oh
... Well perhaps it'll work
for
her.
NILES
I
certainly hope so, poor woman.
As
for me, I need a little something
stronger
than water.
A WAITER WALKS OVER TO FRASIER AND NILES, CARRYING A COFFEE.
WAITER
Your
quadruple espresso, sir.
NILES
(TAKING
THE COFFEE) Thank you.
THE WAITER LEAVES, AND GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER.
FRASIER
Niles
are you mad? That'll kill you!
NILES
It's
either this, or that damn song
HE TAKES A LARGE SIP AND LOOKS UP, WIDE EYED AND STUNNED,
FACE TAUT.
SHOW BULLDOG AT THE COUNTER GETTING A COFFEE. HE WALKS OVER TO FRASIER AND NILES.
BULLDOG
You
know you guys look so cute
together.
If I didn't know better,
I'd
swear you were a co-
FRASIER GLARES AT BULLDOG.
FRASIER
(IRRITABLY) Bad day, Bulldog. No
need
to make it worse.
BULLDOG
(SMILES) Well I've had a pretty
good
day.
FRASIER
I
hate you.
NILES MUMBLES SOMETHING UNINTELLIGIBLE.
BULLDOG
What
else is new? (INDICATES NILES)
What's
wrong with him?
FRASIER
Coffee
poisoning.
BULLDOG
Try
an espresso.
NILES WHIMPERS.
BULLDOG
Anyhow,
I just came here to get
a
coffee. I wanna try out that
new
Chinese joint.
(ABOUT
TO BURST INTO SONG)
FRASIER GLARES AT HIM, RAISING A THREATENING CROOKED FINGER.
FRASIER
Don't you
dare. I'm warning you ...
BULLDOG SMILES AS HE BEGINS TO LEAVE.
BULLDOG
(SINGS
AS HE LEAVES) 'Emerald
Chopsticks,
we deliver ...
FRASIER
Bulldog!
FADE
OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FRASIER
"I'm Gonna Wash That Tune Right Outta My Head..."
ACT TWO
A BLACK SCREEN. IN
WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "WE DELVER TO YOUR DOOR."
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S BUILDING - LIFT.
FRASIER STANDS WITH A TEENAGE DELIVERY BOY. HE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THE BOY IS HOLDING
PLASTIC BAGS, WITH A SYMBOL OF A DRAGON AND THE WORDS 'EMERALD CHOPSTICKS'
CLEARLY PRINTED UNDERNEATH.
FRASIER GROANS. THE
DELIVER BOY GIVES HIM A NERVOUS LOOK.
THE LIFT DOORS OPEN AND BOTH FRASIER AND THE DELIVERY BOY
BUMP INTO ONE AND OTHER. IRRITATED,
FRASIER STEPS BACK. HE AND THE BOY EXIT
SEPARATELY. FRASIER DOES A DOUBLE TAKE
WHEN HE SEES THE DELIVERY BOY ABOUT TO KNOCK ON HIS DOOR.
FRASIER
What-?
DELIVERY
BOY
I
have a delivery for a Martin Crane.
ROLLS HIS EYES AS HE OPENS HIS DOOR
FRASIER
(CALLS
TO MARTIN) Dinner's ready.
CUT
TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM
MARTIN LOOKS UP FROM HIS CHAIR, SMILES AND STANDS. HE GETS HIS WALLET FROM THE TABLE AND WALKS
TO THE DOOR.
MARTIN
How
much do I owe ya?
DELIVERY
BOY
Eight
dollars fifty, Sir.
MARTIN REACHES INTO HIS WALLET AND GETS THE EXACT CHANGE.
THE DELIVERY BOY TAKES THE MONEY AND HANDS HIM THE BAG OF
FOOD.
DELIVERY
BOY
Enjoy
your meal, Sir.
(SINGS) 'Emerald Chopsticks,
we
deliver to your door!
Emerald
Chopsticks ...'
FRASIER
(SNAPS)
'Try some I'll be back for
more!...'
HE SHOOS A BEWILDERED LOOKING DELIVERY BOY AWAY AND SLAMS
THE DOOR.
CUT
TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BUILDING - HALLWAY
DELIVERY
BOY (V.O)
Man,
this job blows!
CUT
TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM
MARTIN TURNS TO FRASIER.
MARTIN
(TO
FRASIER) Geez what's up your
crankshaft?
The kid was only doing
his
job.
FRASIER
If
I hear that song again, heads
will
roll.
MARTIN LOOKS INTO THE BAG.
MARTIN
Mmmm
... Smells delicious. Want a dim
sim?
FRASIER
(LOOKS
INCREDULOUS) No!
MARTIN
(SMILES) Suit yourself.
HE SITS DOWN AND PLACES THE BAG DOWN ON THE TABLE. HE TAKES OUT A LARGE PLASTIC CONTAINER OF
STIR FRIED VEGETABLES WITH FRIED RICE, AND A PAPER SMALLER BAG, CONTAINING DIM
SIMS. HE RIPS OPEN THE PAPER BAG, AND
BEGINS TO EAT.
MARTIN
(MOUTH
HALF FULL) Mmmm... these are
good. Frase, you sure you don't want...
FRASIER GRABS A DIM SIM AND DEVOURS IT MENACINGLY.
MARTIN
Hey,
what did it ever do to you? And
I
thought you said you didn't want any.
FRASIER
You'd
never stop pestering me!
MARTIN
So
whatcha think? Nice, aren't they?
FRASIER REFUSES TO ANSWER.
MARTIN POINTS AT HIM.
MARTIN
(SMILES) Aha!
Admit it, you liked it.
FRASIER
(AFTER
A BEAT) Ohh all right! It was
good. (SOFTER) Very good, actually...
MARTIN
(CUPPING
HIS HAND AROUND HIS EAR -
MOCKING
TONE) What was that? I
didn't
quite catch that.
FRASIER
Just
turn on the TV ... If that ad
comes
on again, turn it off.
NILES ENTERS THE APARTMENT.
NILES
Hello,
Frasier, Dad. Please tell me
You
got the tunes out of your heads.
SILENCE.
NILES
Oh. I take it that's a no.
FRASIER
Though
not for lack of serious trying.
NILES
Damn. Same here.
I can't think of
anything
else to sing, and Gods above
and
below forbid, should I think of
something
else, I won't get that tune
out
of my head either. (SHAKES HEAD)
DAPHNE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.
DAPHNE
(SINGING
PAINFULLY) 'How much is that
doggie
in the window...'
EDDIE BARKS TWICE.
DAPHNE
(POINTS
AT HIM MENACINGLY) Shut up, you!
FRASIER
Still
haven't got rid of the song I see.
DAPHNE
(SHAKES
HER HEAD) No. You?
FRASIER
No,
the damned tune dogs me wherever I go,
DAPHNE
(GIVES
FRASIER A LOOK) Thanks.
FRASIER
Oh,
sorry.
THE THREE ALL LOOK RATHER PUT OUT.
DAPHNE
I
was so hoping you'd have gotten rid
of
your annoying tunes by now ...
Hoping
for even the slightest ray of hope...
FRASIER
So
were we.
MARTIN
(SINGS) 'See the little goblin, look
at
his little feet ... see his little
nosey
wose...' Ahh! Now look what you
guys
made me do!
FRASIER AND NILES SHUDDER, NILES MORE SO.
DAPHNE
(TO
MARTIN) Sorry ...
FRASIER
(TO
MARTIN) At least you don't have
Emerald
chopsticks!
DAPHNE
Or
'How much is that bloomin' doggie...'
Speaking
Emerald Chopsticks, everybody's
raving
about it. I meant to go there,
but
with fillings on both sides, the
dentist
ordered me on pain of death
not
to eat anything until the anaesthetic
wares
off. A couple of hours, he said.
A
couple of hours, my eye. It's been five
hours
and I still can't feel my face.
FRASIER
It'll
wear off soon, I'm sure. It's
so
the fillings can set in.
DAPHNE
If
it doesn't start to wear off soon,
rigor
mortis'll set in... (BEAT)
I
really can't stand dentists. For
the
amount of money they charge you'd
at
least think they could afford some
decent
magazines. Up-to-date ones too.
I
spent my time in the waiting room
catching
up on what George Clooney
did
two years go. (PATS HER CHEEK)
And
it's still painful, especially
when
I sing. (SINGS) 'How much is
that
do...'
FRASIER AND MARTIN GLARE AT HER. NILES DOESN'T MIND DAPHNE'S SINGING.
NILES
Oh
and speaking of music, I managed to
get
three front row tickets to the
Seattle
Light Orchestra tonight.
FRASIER LOOKS EXCITED.
MARTIN
Count
me out, anyway the game's on
tonight.
NILES
Daphne?
DAPHNE
I'd
love to come. Just hope I can feel
my
face before it starts ... And at least
there's
no chance of them playing 'How
much
is that doggie.'
NILES AND FRASIER CHUCKLE.
EDDIE BARKS. DAPHNE GLARES AT
HIM.
FRASIER
And
if they do play 'Orpheus in the
Underworld,'
I hope I don't think of
that
stupid ditty!
DISSOLVE TO:
A BLACK SCREEN. IN
WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "FRASIER IN THE
UNDERWORLD."
INT. THEATRE
NILES, FARSIER AND DAPHNE FIND THEIR SEATS. DAPHNE WIGGLES HER FACE.
DAPHNE
(WHISPERS
EXCITEDLY) I can feel my face
again!
NILES
(NUDGES
HER FACE WITH HIS) I'll buy you
one
of those ridiculously over priced
Toblerones
at intermission.
DAPHNE
(KISSES
NILES) Thank you.
FRASIER
Yes,
a sugar fix and destroy all the
dentist's
good work. And you can catch
up
on what Tom and Nicole did two years
ago.
DAPHNE AND NILES GIVES FRASIER A LOOK.
DAPHNE
(MOCK
DEFENSIVE) He didn't say I
wasn't
allowed to eat sweet things
ever
again... (BEAT) Ooh!
I
think
I got rid of that stupid song!
NILES
That's'
wonderful. Hopefully Frasier's
and
mine'll go before the orchestra
finishes.
FRASIER
Let's
hope that's not just wishful
thinking.
PRESENTER (V.O)
Ladies
and gentlemen, without any
further
ado, the city of Seattle
proudly
presents the Seattle Light
Orchestra!
A ROUND OF CLAPPING SOUNDS.
ONCE THE CLAPPING SUBSIDES, THE ORCHESTRA BEGINS TO PLAY ... 'ORPHEUS IN
THE UNDERWORLD...'
FRASIER GROANS SOFTLY.
NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK SYMPATHETIC.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. THEATRE - HALL
- INTERMISSION
AS PROMISED, NILES HAS BOUGHT DAPHNE A RIDICULOUSLY OVER
PRICED TOBLERONE. FRASIER LOOKS DISAPOPORVING, BUT DAPHNE IGNORES HIM,
SAVOURING THE PYRAMID SHAPED CHOCOLATE PIECES.
NILES SMILES, WATCHING HER EAT.
FRASIER
They
just had to play 'Orpheus in
The
Underworld', didn't they?
NILES
Well
at least they didn't sing
the
chopsticks song.
FRASIER
I
just hope to Hades there's no
encore.
(SIGHS) ... I used to
love
that tune, I just hope
Emerald
Chopsticks hasn't ruined
it
forever.
A BELL SOUNDS
PRESENTER
(V.O)
Ladies
and gentlemen the performance
will
commence in ten minutes sharp.
If
you will find your way back to
your
seats now.
FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE JOUN THE CROWD, SHUCFFLING BACKL INTO
THE THEATRE.
AT THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE, NILES, FARSIER AND DAPHNE
BEGIN TO SHIFT IN THEIR SEATS.
PRESENTER
(V.O)
The
city of Seattle hopes you enjoyed
the
Seattle Light Orchestra! Honestly,
folks,
have you ever heard a better
rendition
of 'Orpheus in the Underworld?'
CLAPPING ENSUES.
FRASIER CLAPS CROSSLY.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FRASIER'S APARTMENT
FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER. MARTIN LOOKS UP FROM HIS CHAIR.
MARTIN
(SMILING)
I have some good news.
FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT HIM, CURIOUS.
MARTIN
I
finally got rid of that goblin song
and
all it took was two beers!
NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK HAPPY FOR HIM. FRASIER TRIES TO LOOK
HAPPY.
MARTIN
How
was the orchestra?
FRASIER
(SHORT)
They played well.
MARTIN
They
played that Orpheus ditty, didn't
they?
FRASIER
Twice! But I forced myself to think
of
the daring mythological hero
and
his doomed plight.
MARTIN
Good
for you, and Orpheus.
NILES
Come
on, they also played Mozart's
'Eine
Kleine Nachtmusik,'
Tchaikovsky's
'Nutcracker Suite',
and
a truly evocative 'Beethoven's
Ninth'
Choral in D Minor, amongst
various
other timeless and uplifting
classics.
FRASIER SIGHS.
MARTIN
(TO
FRASIER) Let me guess. You still
couldn't
get that stupid ditty outta
your
head.
FRASIER
Alas,
No. Just like Orpheus, I
failed
miserably.
MARTIN
Look
on the bright side.
FRASIER
(SOMEWHAT
ANNOYED) Which would be in
this
case?
MARTIN
That
Orpheus guy got to be with
Eurydice
in the end, didn't he?
FRASIER
I
suppose you're right. Maybe there
is
light at the end of this dark
and
gloomy tunnel ...
MARTIN
If
you don't shut up about it, I'm
gonna
go to the Underworld.
NILES
I
feel for you, Frasier I really do,
but
I've been cured. I finally
got
rid of that blasted song!
FRASIER
Good
for you, Niles.
NILES
I
must be off, don't wanna get home
too
late.
DAPHNE
See
you tomorrow.
NILES BLOWS HER A KISS.
NILES
Wouldn't
miss it for the Underworld.
(SMIRKS)
FRASIER GIVES HIS BROTHER A LOOK.
FRASIER
(CROSSLY) You were leaving?
NILES SMILES AS HE LEAVES THE APARTMENT.
DAPHNE
Well
you two enjoy the rest of the
night.
I'm gonna get forty winks.
FRASIER/MARTIN
Good
night, Daphne.
DAPHNE
(WALKING
TO HER ROOM)
Night,
boys. Sweet dreams.
AFTER A BEAT, FRASIER INDICATES THE TV. IT IS OFF.
FRASIER
Good
game?
MARTIN
Your
orchestra could've played better.
FRASIER
That
bad, huh?
MARTIN
Yep. Anyhow, knock yourself out. I'm
gonna
get some shut eye. I'm bushed.
FRASIER
Good
night, dad.
MARTIN
'Night. I hope I don't dream of that
damned
goblin.
FRASIER
Touché.
MARTIN CHUCKLES AS HE LEAVES. FRASIER WALKS INTO THE
KITCHEN.
INT. KITCHEN
FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF WATER. ONCE IT IS FULL, HE TAKES
A LARGE GULP AND
WALKS OUT INTO THE LOUNGE ROOM.
HE TAKES ANOTHER
LARGE GULP.
FRASIER
(ECSTATIC)
I don't believe this! I
finally
got that accursed ditty out
of
my head! Ha!
FRASIER SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR. HE TURNS THE TELEVISION ON
WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL. FROM THE TV WE
HEAR:
TV
(V.O)
'Emerald
chopsticks, we deliver to
your door!...'
FRASIER GROANS.
DISSOLVE TO
INT FRASIER'S KITCHEN - AS CREDITS ROLL
FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF WATER AND DRINKS IT
RAPIDLY. HE WAITS, FROWNS, THEN POURS
HIMSELF ANOTHER AND DROINKS IT RAPIDLY.
HE LOOKS EXCITED AND RUSHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
CUT TO
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM
FRASIER SEES THE 'EMERALD CHOPSTICKS' BAG FROM HIS FATHER'S
LUNCH ON HE TABLE. HE GRABS HIS HEAD AND IN DESPAIR AND RUSHES BACK INTO THE
KITCHEN.
FADE
OUT.
END OF ACT TWO