Disclaimer: The Ebenezum~Wuntvor saga was
written by Craig Shaw Gardner and I suggest you read it, it's hilariously funny
that I'm quite happy I found by accident and thoroughly enjoyed this Malady of
Magicks!
I make no monetary profit from this story.
Summary - Cuthbert's tale - he's my other
fave character in this. Someone should introduce him to Excalibur, they
would just adore each other... Can just see them sparring in mid air ;)
Rating G
~~~~~~~~
CUTHBERT
~ A MAGIC SWORD'S TALE
{But
he really wishes he wasn't a Sword ...}
That's right! It took ages and ages to wash
all the blood, gore and that ghastly ichor off me on my last sojourn to the
Netherhells! Never again, I tell you! Never again! Battling those horrid Dread
Collectors! Makes me shiver it does!
Though my last Master, Wuntvor was his name,
was not half bad if I do say so myself ... A few demons short of a Netherhell,
but nobody's perfect. He was nowhere near as bad as some of the other masters
I've had to suffer. At least he wans't a bloodthirsty warmonger. Quite the
opposite in fact. A logical fellow ... Well most of the time ... A relief, I
can tell you.
Peace, love, tofu, I say. I can actually cut
tofu - quite neatly too, spread butter with ease and grace, but has anyone ever
asked me to slice waybread or any type of bread for that matter? Or even
cheese? Noooo! Of course not! Kill! Murder! Maim! Destroy! Is that all they
think I'm good for? I ask you! Hmph! Such is the life of a Sword I'm told,
magic, enchanted or otherwise. Well is it not the right of every life form to
want for more? Ohh how I dream of cutting chocolate forest mud cake!
Why can't my life be more like my very
distant cousin? A Sword of great importance in the grand scheme of things. A
person of truth and justice. Yes I'm sure he's seen his fair share of bloodshed
... after that fellow pulled him out of the stone ... Ohh how I feel for him,
the poor dear ... But then they tossed him back into the lake and the Lady took
him. Ohh how peaceful. I would give my hilt to sleep in the depths ofd a lake.
But do I get to spend oh so many happy years
inside a rock or a lake? No such luck. It's all slice and dice ... Once, twice,
thrice! Oiy! No! Now I'm starting to rhyme like that foul Guxx Unfufadoo!
Netherhells forbid!
I was once asked what would I do if there
was peace in the world and even the Netherhells. Not much work going for Swords
in peacetime I'm told. Well I beg to differ, I most certainly do - there is one
I can think of - Witchcraft. No, you heard correctly. As I said - Witchcraft.
When his adventures were over, my Master
gave me to his Mistress. Norei, her name was, a cute little witch.
Never once has she used me to attack a foe,
apart from a particularly tough pomegranate ... I never knew how sticky
pomegranate juice could be ... But it doesn’t matter ... she washed me in the
lake! ... Ohh the soothing waters ... I know how my very distant cousin feels!
Bliss, I tell you! Pure unadulterated bliss!
Ohh how I sigh ... This is what I've dreamed
of all my long life. A life of peace and harmony. If I could only smile ...
She oft uses me to cast a circle - what a
lovely notion. Hailing the Watchtowers of the directions and the elements. Ohh,
how wonderful! How beautiful! If Swords could cry, I would ...
And she even used me to slice sacred ritual
bread! Oh joy! It's not chocolate forest mud cake, but close enough.
Ohh ... My life truly has come full circle.
I'm in the Elysian Avalon Fields ... This is
the Swords' heaven, by the way ...
I bid thee farewell
Lovingly,
Cuthbert, the Magic Athame
~~~~~~~~