Disclaimer: The Ebenezum~Wuntvor saga was written by Craig Shaw Gardner and I suggest you read it, it's hilariously funny that I'm quite happy I found by accident and thoroughly enjoyed this Malady of Magicks!


I make no monetary profit from this story.

Summary - Cuthbert's tale - he's my other fave character in this.  Someone should introduce him to Excalibur, they would just adore each other...  Can just see them sparring in mid air ;)

Rating G




{But he really wishes he wasn't a Sword ...}


That's right! It took ages and ages to wash all the blood, gore and that ghastly ichor off me on my last sojourn to the Netherhells! Never again, I tell you! Never again! Battling those horrid Dread Collectors! Makes me shiver it does!

Though my last Master, Wuntvor was his name, was not half bad if I do say so myself ... A few demons short of a Netherhell, but nobody's perfect. He was nowhere near as bad as some of the other masters I've had to suffer. At least he wans't a bloodthirsty warmonger. Quite the opposite in fact. A logical fellow ... Well most of the time ... A relief, I can tell you.

Peace, love, tofu, I say. I can actually cut tofu - quite neatly too, spread butter with ease and grace, but has anyone ever asked me to slice waybread or any type of bread for that matter? Or even cheese? Noooo! Of course not! Kill! Murder! Maim! Destroy! Is that all they think I'm good for? I ask you! Hmph! Such is the life of a Sword I'm told, magic, enchanted or otherwise. Well is it not the right of every life form to want for more? Ohh how I dream of cutting chocolate forest mud cake!

Why can't my life be more like my very distant cousin? A Sword of great importance in the grand scheme of things. A person of truth and justice. Yes I'm sure he's seen his fair share of bloodshed ... after that fellow pulled him out of the stone ... Ohh how I feel for him, the poor dear ... But then they tossed him back into the lake and the Lady took him. Ohh how peaceful. I would give my hilt to sleep in the depths ofd a lake.

But do I get to spend oh so many happy years inside a rock or a lake? No such luck. It's all slice and dice ... Once, twice, thrice! Oiy! No! Now I'm starting to rhyme like that foul Guxx Unfufadoo! Netherhells forbid!

I was once asked what would I do if there was peace in the world and even the Netherhells. Not much work going for Swords in peacetime I'm told. Well I beg to differ, I most certainly do - there is one I can think of - Witchcraft. No, you heard correctly. As I said - Witchcraft.

When his adventures were over, my Master gave me to his Mistress. Norei, her name was, a cute little witch.

Never once has she used me to attack a foe, apart from a particularly tough pomegranate ... I never knew how sticky pomegranate juice could be ... But it doesn’t matter ... she washed me in the lake! ... Ohh the soothing waters ... I know how my very distant cousin feels! Bliss, I tell you! Pure unadulterated bliss!

Ohh how I sigh ... This is what I've dreamed of all my long life. A life of peace and harmony. If I could only smile ...

She oft uses me to cast a circle - what a lovely notion. Hailing the Watchtowers of the directions and the elements. Ohh, how wonderful! How beautiful! If Swords could cry, I would ...

And she even used me to slice sacred ritual bread! Oh joy! It's not chocolate forest mud cake, but close enough.

Ohh ... My life truly has come full circle.

I'm in the Elysian Avalon Fields ... This is the Swords' heaven, by the way ...

I bid thee farewell



Cuthbert, the Magic Athame



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