Disclaimer: The Sailor Moon Universe was created my Naoko Takeuchi

I make no monetary profit from my fanfic.

Summary: One of those paroides that just had to be done!

Rating PG






In the Negaverse, Queen Beryl looks through a crystal ball.

BERYL: (Angry) Where's my other crystal ball?

MALACHITE: You broke it when you threw it at my head. Thankfully I ducked.

BERYL: Oh, yes, I remember - Why won't this damn thing work?

MALACHITE: I told you not to get it from the red light special at K-Mart.

BERYL: (Growls and throws the plastic ball away) I didn't ask you. Ahh, anyway who needs

one? My arms ache like hell hovering over it all day long. (Pause) Malachite ... how's your progress in getting

those pesky Sailor Guides?

MALACHITE: (Pause) ... Ahh well.. you see ... I ... uh..

BERYL: Well?

MALACHITE: (Uncomfortable laugh) I'm working on it, which means-

BERYL: Which means you *failed*

MALACHITE: (Offers) I did my best ....

BERYL: (Roars) Best isn't good enough! I want results! Why did you fail? You'd better have a good reason!

MALACHITE: (Frantic)They threatened to douse me in cheap ffity cent shampoo from the bargain shop!


MALACHITE: I just had a wash, style, and dry! Really! You can't expect me to-

BERYL: All right ... all right - there's nothing worse than having warriors with split ends. But you'd *better not* fail me again!

MALACHITE: (Bows) No, Your Highness. I have a plan.

BERYL: It better be better than your last plan to lock the Sailor Guides in the Music shop and make them surrender or listen to 'American Pie' at full blast for the rest of their lives.

MALACHITE: It would've worked if the CD player hadn't given out after five seconds ... Anyway ... I admit that was a bit much. No, this time my plan will work. It's so simple it's great!

BERYL: Get on with it, will you!

MALACHITE: Yes, M'Queen. I will lure the Sailor Guides here to our Negaverse Realm and we can get them. It's risky, but wecan handle it.

BERYL: Hmm ... daring, but I like it, Malachite.


Meanwhile ...

Serena and her friends are at Raye's Grandfather's temple.

RAYE: (Pointing to Serena) I think she's a Negaverse spy, Mercury.

AMY: What make you say that?

RAYE: Sailor Moon was on time to our meeting and she hasn't fallen over her feet

once today.

SERENA: Very funny, Mars! Can't I do something right for once?! And Darien,

Where did you get the money to buy an Armani Tuxedo, may I ask? Huh? Huh?

DARIEN/TUX MASK: You'd be surprised how much the sexy hero gets paid.

SERENA: Hmph! I *demand* a rise!

RAYE:Like you deserve it!?

SERENA:Of course I do - I'm Sailor

RAYE: Meatball Head!!

SERENA: Shut Up, Mars!!

LUNA: Quietendown, you two ...

ARTEMIS: Yeah ... I can't hear myself purr.

MINA: Yeah, we need to be constructive

LITA: Right on, Venus.

RAYE: Something bad is about to happen, Jupiter.

LITA: You sense something, Mars?

RAYE:No, Malachite's right behind you.

Lita spins around.

MALACHITE: HAH!! Now I know who you Sailor Guides really are! If only the sexy

bad guys were paid as much as the good guys...

SERENA:Talk about dumb!

MALACHITE: (Haughty) Don't blame me, brat - blame the script writers.

SERENA: (Demands) What do you want, Malachite?

MALACHITE: I give you the chance to attack the Negaverse from within - Here (He creates a dimensional porthole.)

Follow me.

MINA: Are you nuts?

MALACHITE: Hardly. If there was danger - would I put myself at risk in here?

LUNA: Hate to say it girls, but the man's got a point.

The Guides hesitate.

MALACHITE: What - you're not afraid, are you?

SERENA: (Places her hands on her hips disdainfully) Of course not!

RAYE: The nerve of that guy!

LITA: Since he knows who we are, we'd betterTransform and be ready for anything.

MINA: Right!

SERENA: Me first!

RAYE: Of course ....

SERENA: Shut up! ... Moon Crystal Power! (She Transforms in a grand ceremony)

I am Sailor Moon! Champion of Justice. I will right wrongs and triumph over evil-

MALACHITE: And that means me.

SERENA: How did you know what I was going to say? Must be psychic. And I HATE being interrupted!

Didn't your parents teach you that was rude?

MALACHITE: Yeah - but we've only got so long before this episode finishes, you know! Hurry up!

RAYE: Mars Star Power! (She Transforms, with what looks like the fires of Hades

erupting around her) I am Sailor Mars! I control the fury of FIRE! gotta keep control ... don't wanna burn grandpa's

temple down like I did when I was eight.

MINA: Venus Star Power! (She Transforms, with her abundant long blond hair taking on

a life of its own) Love is the greatest power of all! And-

MALACHITE: Oh, puh-leeeze!

VENUS: I wasn't finished, Pretty Boy!

MALACHITE: Too bad - we haven't got time, Pretty Girl!

VENUS: As I was saying, *Malachite* Love is a great power. I am Sailor Venus! ... Uh, did I

mention I get sea sick?

AMY: Mercury Star Power! (She Transforms, looking like she dissolves in rippling

blue waters) I am Sailor Mercury! And my computer tells me we're headed for trouble.

Don't worry, Hal. I'll take good care of myself, I promise.

LITA: Jupiter Star Power! (She Transforms, her hair being frazzled due to being struck by

her own lightning - She pulls out a brush and perfects it) I am Sailor Jupiter!

I start fights and I finish 'em too!

MALACHITE: (Sighs) Are we quite finished?

SAILOR MOON: Yes, thank you.

MALACHITE: Then follow me. (To Artemis and Luna) Not you two. I'm allergic to cats.

Atishoo! Atishoo!

DARIEN/TUX MASK: What about me?

MALACHITE: Sorry, the porthole can only accommodate six.

DARIEN: Like my Stretch Lamborghini. Couldn't you squeeze one more in?

MALACHITE: Sorry, Rose boy ... it'll cause a rip in the time space continuum.

DARIEN/TUX MASK: But I wanna come!

SAILOR MOON: Did I say anything about wanting a *man's* help? Take a hike, Tux, we can handle

this ourselves.

DARIEN/TUX MASK: Hmph! I know what I'm not wanted. (Leaves)

MALACHITE: Good riddance!

LUNA/ARTEMIS: (To the Guides) Be careful.

The Guides follow Malachite into the dark hole and it closes behind them.

ARTEMIS: Do you think they'll be all right?

LUNA: (Worried) If you ask me, I think they're in deep shit.


The Sailor Guides and Malachite come out of the hole, into the Negaverse ...

MALACHITE: Here they are, M'Queen. And I discovered who they really are too.

BERYL: (With hair defying gravity) Very good, Malachite. I'll see that you get a triple helping of vanilla talcum

powder cake on my birthday, next year.

MALACHITE: Ohh, Yum! Thank you. What else do I get?

BERYL: To be by my side of course.

MALACHITE: Oh, that.

SAILOR MOON: (whispers) Come on, maybe we can trash this place. (Screams) Guides Unite!

MARS: Mars Fire Ignite!

She lights a match and sets fire to Beryl's curtains.

BERYL: (Shrieks) Ahhh!! I'll get you for that! Those belonged to my gransmother Queen Turquoise!

MERCURY: Mercury Bubbles Blast!

She blows bubbles from a ring stick into Beryl's face.

BERYL: Ahh, my eyes!!! Malachite, Get me a washcloth!

Malachite looks at Mercury.

MALACHITE: I bet you're fun in the bath...

JUPITER: Jupiter Thunder Crash!

A devastatingly loud sonic boom is heard.

JUPITER: Did I do that!?

Beryl is still madly wiping her eyes.

BERYL: Ahh, no! I hate thunder! Where's my damn mother Queen Jasper when I need her!

VENUS: Venus Crescent Beam Smash!

She throws a Boomerang at a large vase and shatters it.

BERYL: That belonged to my Great Grandmother, Queen Quartz!

SAILOR MOON: I'm going to get you, Scumbag!

BERYL: That's Queen Scumbag to you - What am I saying?!

Sailor Moon takes out her Moon Sceptre and begins waving it around, waving it around and waving it around and around and...

SAILOR MOON: Moon Sceptre Elimination!

The power beam hits a plate at the other side of the wall and smashes it.

SAILOR MOON: I can't believe I missed!

MARS: Well if you didn't do all that stupid dancing and prancing about and just shot the damn thing at her, maybe

it'll work!

SAILOR MOON: If I don't do the dance right it won't work!

MERCURY : (Flicks her short hair) What can we do now? Hal says we have to beat Queen Beryl if something wonderful's

gonna happen. Mercury Bubbles Blast!

She blows a chewing gum bubble.

MERCURY: Blast! Grape never did work!

JUPITER: How can we beat Beryl?

BERYL: (Smiles) You can't .... (Manic evil cackle)

MALACHITE: (Shivers) Uggh.... I hate it when she does that.

SAILOR MOON: I think I have an idea.

VENUS: I hope it works ....

MARS: (Folds her arms)It better.

She opens her Star Locket and the tune plays.

BERYL: (Screeches) Ahhh .... no! Not that awful sweet music.... It's worse than American Pie!

Help... I can't take much more .... Ahhh ....Help .... no ... I'm melting! I'm melting!! ... Malachite, help me! ....

Malachite looks at the falling queen and folds his arms.

MALACHITE: No. You killed my girlfriend ... aactually she was my boyfriend.

BERYL: Zoisite deserved it.

MALACHITE: She ... he did not! And I'm not helping you - so there, Bitch!

He pokes his tongue out. Beryl fades into nothing, leaving an empty, extremely form-fitting purple dress on the floor.

SAILOR MOON: Is she really dead?

MALACHITE: (Nods) Yes .... And now I'm in charge of the Negaverse! Join, me, Sailor Moon

and together we can rule the Galaxy side by side ....

SAILOR MOON: I'll *never* join the Negaverse!

She instantly whips her head away, sticking her nose high in the air, whacking Malachite in the head with her long pony tails.

MALACHITE: Watch it! You'll have someone's eye out with those!

He grabs Sailor Moon.

MALACHITE: You know what they say - if you can't join 'em - beat em! You are my prisoner,

Sailor Moon ... Moon Princess ... Queen of Crystal Tokyo ... Neo Queen Serenity ... Serena - Ahh, whoever you are!

She tries to struggle free.

SAILOR MOON: Let me go!

She struggles more, then looks into Malachite's eyes.

SAILOR MOON: Ohh, Malachite ... Wow .... I never realized how... how.... *dreamy* and ... sexy you-

MALACHITE: Hah! Took you long enough! He roughly pulls her close and kisses her.

Quite a while later....

JUPITER: Haven't they finished yet!

MINA: (Flutters eyelids) Ohh, this is so romantic!

MARS: Oh, Please! Why does she always get the cute guys!

MERCURY: Hal says they're a perfect match! Malachite and Serena break from the kiss.

MALACHITE: Ohh, let's do that again...

MARS: Let's not. We have to get going. We'llbe late for school.

MERCURY: It's Saturday.

MARS: Ssshh!

JUPITER: He kinda looks like my old boyfriend, Mal. Dumped me for a blond, the son

of a - Wait! You *ARE* my old boyfriend! Why you -

MALACHITE: (Backs off a little) Now Jupiter ... Lita .... Listen ... Zoisite said she'd ... he'd blast me if I

didn't dump you and things worked out - didn't they?

JUPITER: Well, I suppose ....

MALACHITE: Well you're right - you must be going - you don't wanna stay in this dingy place forever.

MERCURY: You got that right. This place is awful.

MALACHITE: Be thankful you don't have to mop the floors.

SAILOR MOON: (Shudders) It's bad enough at home! Speaking of home, Malachite, I'm sorry, but I

can't stay here with you.

MALACHITE: I understand. Don't forget me.

SAILOR MOON: I won't - don't you forget me.

Malachite uses his powers to send the Sailor Guides back through the hole to Raye's Grandfather's Temple.

MALACHITE: Maybe we can meet again sometime.

THE GUIDES:Maybe. Thanks, Malachite.

MALACHITE: Get going already! I can't take muchmore of this mush.


The Guides arrive and tell Luna and Artemis about what happened.

ARTEMIS: No shit.


Malachite sits on Beryl's throne and is tracing his fingers on the arm rests.

NEFLITE: Bored, Malachite?

MALACHITE: (Looks up) Neflite! I thought you were dead!

NEFLITE: Wonderful thing this syndication, I tell you! I finally had a Chocolate Parfait.

Are we still on TV?


NEFLITE: (Waves) Hi, Molly!

MALACHITE: If you're not dead then that means that Jedite and *Zoisite* are still alive!

NEFLITE: Yep! Jedite's sun-baking in the Bahamas and-

MALACHITE:And Zoisite?

NEFLITE:I was just getting to that. She's ... he's well ... found another -

MALACHITE:Found another man. I see ....

NEFLITE: Not exactly. Zoisite and his girlfriend are-

MALACHITE: Ooh. He never told me he was bi! Well it's best we get on with our lives, if the station wants to cancel

our series. Where are you off to?

NEFLITE: Well there are other shows you know. I dunno - this Star Trek sounds cool to me.

MALACHITE: Perhaps ... Are you sure about this?

NEFLITE: Quite Sure. Trust me. Let's go where we've never gone before.

MALACHITE: All right ... but I dunno about this Star Trek thing. Is it safe?

NEFLITE: Nothing's worth it without a risk.

MALACHITE: Well I - Ooh - what's this? Transformers? More than Meets The Eye. Now this sounds cool.

Maybe in those Universes the sexy bad guys get paid more...

NEFLITE: See? I told you - there are strange new worlds out there, Malachite. Dunno about

you, but I'm off.

MALACHITE: Goodbye Neflite.

NEFLITE: Live Long and Prosper, Malachite! Perhaps we'll meet again someday. And if TF doesn't work out for you There's always Buffy and Charmed.

MALACHITE: That'll be Prime ... Ohhh, I hope I know what I'm getting myself into ...

Zsssiiinnnnggg ... Neflite beams out

Cha cha choom choom! Malachite Transforms into a way cool silver jet and speeds off through the wall.





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