Disclaimers:  George Lucas (Lucasfilm) owns the Star Wars Universe.

No profit is being made from this writing.  It is written for the enjoyment of those who wish to share it. :)

 Summary:  Obi-Wan tries to come to terms with Qui-Gon's death

Rating PG  

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                                                                          A BEAUTIFUL SOUL

 He is much more than my Master.  He is my dearest friend.  He is the only father I have ever known, the one I care most about in the entire Universe.  The only person I have ever truly loved.  He is my Mentor.  My Guide.   My Guardian Angel.  I trusted him with my life.  And he trusted me with his and where the hell was I?

His undying compassion, his heart bigger than the galaxy.  He'd just as soon save a butterfly struggling in a puddle after a storm as he would save an entire world from destruction.   Force, he even saved a baby rancour once, holding the tiny beast gently in his hands.  Of course I had reprimanded him and told him they were not so cute and harmless when they were fully grown and it would just as soon eat him for dinner, but it did not deter him as he returned the little drooling monster to its mother, who did try to eat him for dinner for all his efforts, but he did not regret it.  Of course my Master could be a downright stubborn pain in the neck sometimes, but that did not make me love him any less.

He told me once that he was not the only kind person in the Universe, but at times it seemed like he was the only one that did care.  It seemed that like he was the only flame of hope in the Universe.  He was indeed a scarcity, a rare gift and now he is gone.

Day after day I tell myself that he is One With The Force.  I tell myself it is a great honour and that he is in a safe place of beauty and serenity, but it does not stop the ache in my chest and in my belly.  It does not stop me longing to hear his gentle voice, his kind words.   How his usually immaculate hair became all scruffy after a good sparring match ... I would give everything I own even to argue with him again.

I take no solace in the fact that I killed his murderer.  I felt no satisfaction when I sliced Darth Maul in two.  I took no glee in the pain I saw in his eyes before he fell to the furnace.  I only felt relief that he would never be able to kill again, but the damage was done and could not be undone.  Of course the Sith would not consider killing a Jedi murder, would they?  I could sense Maul did not consider himself evil.  Again I had to fight to keep control of my anger. This monster had just delivered a mortal wound to the kindest, most loving, compassionate, wise and gentle person in the entire Universe and he did not consider that evil?  I could use much un-Jedi like language here, but I won't.   Yes, the Sith seem to think that the Jedi go around saving planets for our own egos, and sadly I admit, some do, but my Master is nothing like that.  He has saved countless worlds, millions of people and not to mention wildlife, sometimes without so much as a 'thank you.'  He does it because he wants to, help others.  To bring eternal peace and freedom to the Universe.  Not for recognition, or for these people to worship him as a God and erect statues of him in their town squares.  One world offered to do that, but my Master politely refused, saying all he wanted was for the planets' inhabitants to live in peace after he had helped end a fifteen hundred year war.

I guess Maul's Master believes he's the Force's gift to the Universe as well.  If he trained Maul, he's bound to be worse.  If that's at all possible.  I could also sense Maul considered himself a great warrior and I will say one thing to his credit.  He was an incredible fighter.  His Master taught him extremely well.  But that's all he is.  A fighter. He is not a warrior.  Maul killed my Master with an underhanded trick.  A genuine warrior values honour and integrity above all else.  Someone who fights without honour is nothing more than a thug, no matter how proficient their fighting skills.  Maul was nothing but a thug with a fancy lightsabre.  Did I murder him?  No.  I killed him because I had no choice.  I killed him to defend myself, Naboo and ultimately the Republic and the Galaxy.

Anger burned within me when I fought him, but what sort of a Padawan would I have been if I killed Maul in a blind rage?  What sort of a Jedi would I be if I wanted his blood, his wide-eyed, open mouthed head on a stick for what he had done?  If I lost the battle, it would be catastrophic for the Republic and beyond, but if I lost the battle within, it would have been so very much worse and it would have gone against everything my Master ever taught me, everything he gave me, everything he believed in and I would be damned if I would betray him.  I would not let all his years of wisdom, training and kind counsel go down the drain.  Yes I was angry.  I'm still angry and I’ve every right to be, but I will not let it lead me to the Dark Side.

As I held my dying Master in my arms, I was desperate to do something ... anything to save him.  I would have given my very soul.  Never in all my life have I felt so helpless ... So useless.  I sensed my Master's despair and his pain ... His desperation to stay alive until I could get to him ... I sensed his thoughts in turmoil, about me ... He had rushed ahead because he was worried about me ... He also worried about Anakin... And The Sith ... They had returned after almost a thousand years and there were always two ... Qui-Gon worried about Maul's Master ... I also sensed he tried to sense if there was any shred of compassion in Maul to help him, and this is how the Sith repaid him.  All these thoughts rushing through my Master's head ... for a brief moment, he lost focus and it cost him his life.  The Council would later tell me gently that he lost the battle because he was past his prime.  Bantha bollocks. Yes, my Master was sixty-five, but far from old and decrepit. If circumstances had been different, if he didn't have so much to worry about, then I believe he would have bested Maul and knowing my Master, he would have regretted having to kill even someone as soulless as he.  I could see my Master kneeling beside Maul, trying to ease the pain of where he had run the Sith through, and he would have stayed by his enemy's side until he died.  I wish time and time again that it had happened that way.  My Master's final wish was for me to train Anakin.  I was still unsure about the boy, but my Master cared so deeply and felt so strongly that Anakin was the Chosen One, how could I refuse his dying wish?  His last words were 'train him...' And I heard him say gently to my mind 'May The Force Be With You...' just before he died, in my arms.  Even as he died, his final thoughts were on those he loved.

Surprisingly, Jar Jar Binks was the only one who cried at the funeral and I didn't think he had liked Qui-Gon all that much.  I was surprised that Anakin did not shed a single tear.  I would not permit myself to.  I had to be strong for the boy.  Perhaps he was trying to also. I was the only one who stayed until the pyre had all but burned out. I was relieved when I smelt no burning flesh.  My Master's body did not burn like a usual body would.  He seemed to become one with the Element of Fire, and I saw a beautiful energy dance in the flames and I smiled, warmly, knowing my Master had become One With The Force.

The Naboo celebrations seemed empty and hollow without my Master.  Even Queen Amidala in her regal white gown felt heavy with the pain of Qui-Gon's loss, despite the fact that her world was safe once more.  It had come at a terrible price, many of her people had perished as well and I sensed their loved ones pain was as great as my own, and I had to shut that pain out.  I could barely stand with my own.

My Master would tell me that the planet and its people were safe and that's what mattered and he would say that was the most important thing.  He gave his life to save a world he barely knew.  The glowing crystal Orb of Peace which Boss Nass held up was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen, but paled in comparison to my Master's beautiful Soul

Once again, I had to put on a show of strength I did not feel.  And again that eerie feeling when the newly Elected Chancellor walked past me.  It was the same feeling I got when I saw him at the funeral.  Some part of me screamed that he had no right to be there, but I said nothing.  He was also the first to leave.  He had a sad look on his face, but I sensed no sadness within.  I decided did not like that man at all.  My Master had told me never to judge, but he had also told me to go with my gut feelings and my gut was telling me that something was definitely amiss with him.  I dislike most politicians, but this ... there was something else about him that I could not quite place.

Anakin did cry, eventually, after the celebrations and I comforted him.  I sat down on the kitchen floor with him and held him.  My grief would have to wait.  The child needed me now.  I was uncomfortable as Anakin clung onto me, like a frightened child after a horrific nightmare, though this one was real.  I sensed Anakin's despair and I shared it.  We had both lost the closest person we had to a father.  Would Anakin consider me like a father as I had considered Qui-Gon?  Was I ready for that responsibility?   Like it or not, I had to be.  I felt as though I'd been thrown into the snake pit without a lightsabre and I did not have my Master to guide me.

I was relieved when Yoda took the boy away later that night.  And I cried until dawn.  My throat taut, paining more than it ever had before.  I did not want to get up, as again I felt so helpless ... Why couldn't I save him?!  WHY??!!

Master, where art though?  Why do you not answer my call?  Why can I not hear your thoughts?  Master please ... Answer me ... Tell me you are still there ... Tell me you still care ... Please ...  There is No Death, there is the Force ... Then where are you??!!

Am I a child for harbouring such thoughts?  Am I so helpless?  Times when I have felt despair clutch me in a vice, my Master was always there to pull me up, to pull me out of it ... to hold me.

I do not know how I found the strength to stand, let alone walk to the bathroom.  My Master always told me that a hot bubble bath could cure most things.  I was doubtful it would help, but I was desperate to try anything.  After vomiting uncontrollably and turning around to run that bath, I’m embarrassed to say that  I bawled like a baby to find we had run out of bubblebath. I hit the ceramic bath with such force, my hand ached and I did end up using that most un Jedi like language that I told you I would not mention here and then felt embarrassed.  I had completely and totally lost it over an empty bottle of bubblebath.  It was the beyond final straw.  The bantha’s back was already broken.  This broke the rest of the bantha and I became even more embarrassed at what my Master would have said if he saw this immature display.  And then to further my embarrassment, a simple solution came to me.  Use shampoo.  Why did I not think of this before?  My Master had always substituted shampoo for bubblebath in an emergency...  I managed a small, soft chuckle as I ran my shampoo bath.

My Master was right, it rested my body and my nerves, but I would need more than warm water and faux bubble bath to heal my shattered heart.

After my bath, I lay on my Master's bed and could still smell his subtle scent of the cinnamon and sandalwood incense he often burned.  I turned to look in his meditation corner and pictured him there, sitting cross legged, meditating in serene silence, with his green candle burning, a few sacred objects around him.  Tears again came to surface and my throat tightened.  I don't know how I fell asleep, but I did.  I hoped to dream of my Master, and I did, but to my dismay, all the dream did was replay his death over and over, with me powerless to stop it.

I awoke, sobbing, pillow wet with tears.

            "You should have some water, you've hardly drunk anything since Naboo."

            "Yes, Master," I said absently, "I know."

I stood and walked to the bathroom, dried my eyes and filled a glass and drank half of it."

            "That's it, but drink all of it."

            "Yes, Master."

I finished the glass, then stopped and turned, wide-eyed.  The glass dropped from my hand.

            "Come..."

Bewildered, I followed him to the kitchen. He turned around and smiled warmly and spoke gently.  "Sit down, Obi-Wan."

I did as the glowing form of my Master instructed.  He sat opposite me.

            "Oh, my young Padawan, it pains me so deeply to leave you like this ... I cannot tell you not to grieve, as I would have done the same had you been taken from me.  Grieve for me is you must, but do not grieve too long."

Tears cascaded down my cheeks.  "Ohh, Master ... why ..."

            "I know not at this time, Padawan, but there will come a time when we will know, and there will be peace."

            "I cannot do this alone!  I can't do this without you!"

He smiled warmly, the gentle smile I would have given my very life and soul to see again.

            "You are never alone, My Young Padawan and although I cannot interfere with Anakin's training, I will always be by your side."

I felt a tsunami of relief wash over me, but I was still a little confused.  "Where were you last night, Master ... Where were you when I felt as though my soul was being ripped from my body?"

            "I was with you, Padawan."

            “I couldn't sense you ... I ..."

            "I know ... You grieved and despaired so very deeply.  I helped you to bed and told you about the shampoo."

I looked into his kind eyes.  "Thank you ... I should have sensed ..."

There was that beautiful kind smile again.  "You were lost, Padawan."

            "And as usual, you found me."

He smiled again.  "It is up to you to find your own strength. I know you have it, Obi-Wan.  You always did.  I helped you find your way, but you always knew your path."

I smiled warmly back at him.  "Thank you, Master.  Your faith gives me strength."

He gently touched my hand.  I could not feel it as I would have when he was human, though I felt warmth and his love.

            "You also have a beautiful soul, Padawan.  Thank you for thinking such a beautiful thing of me."

I smiled gently and placed my hand over his.  "You always had a beautiful soul, Master, even when you complained that the shoppe had run out of your favourite shampoo."

He chuckled softly, a sound I missed dearly.  

            "I must leave you now for a time, Obi-Wan but know that I will never leave you.  The Force is With You Always."

            "As it is with you, Master."

A tear rolled down my cheek as I watched him shimmer away, but at the same time I felt a great burden lift in knowing that he was not truly gone and I sighed deep within myself.  Again, I should have known a soul can never die.

I decided against telling Anakin about our encounter, should the boy become hopeful that Qui-Gon would visit him.  He might, but then again he might not and as it stands, Anakin was fragile enough as it is right now and it is up to me to give him the strength my Master gave me.  I only hope I would be as good a Master, but I doubted that.  Something about Anakin still troubled me.  Perhaps my doubt in myself and Anakin is a failing, but no one could replace my Master.  He would tell me that I'm putting him up on a pedestal, but I'm not.  He was ... he is truly a remarkable person.

I know there will be a time when I will join him in the Force and I look forward to that, not that I wish to die, but some part of me longs to join the Force and see the eternal peace my Master had always dreamed of and envisioned, but while I live I would do everything I could to make it come to pass.  I am not my Master.  I am not Qui-Gon Jinn, as he will tell me I am myself.  I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, but I will cherish his memory and pass on his wisdom and kindness to Anakin and many others I touch.  Together I am confident peace will prevail.  Perhaps not for many, many lifetimes, but it will come.  And I smiled to myself.

Once, when I was young, asked my Master if he was proud of himself to have saved seventeen worlds from destruction in one single mission and he told me that he was grateful that he had the gift to have been able to save them.  And he asked me if I would be proud if I had saved them.  I told him I did not know.  I so much wanted to be like him, to be able to help others without expecting praise or reward, but until now, I did not know if I could.

I know my Master and I will play a humungous part in bringing this lasting peace to the Universe and I am grateful to say that it is not pride that I feel, but love and gratitude, gratitude that I have this beautiful gift and that my Master helped me share it with the Universe.

The Force Is With You Always

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