Disclaimers: 'Allo 'Allo is owned by the BBC.

I make no monetary profit from my fanfic

Read and enjoy!

Rating PG






Inside Cafe Renč ...

Rene Artois is packing his bags. "I am wence again leaving. I simply cannot stand zie stress anymore. I 'ave planned to escape to Switzerland with Yvette."

As if on call, Yvette bursts into the room. "Oh ... Rene ...." she growled, "'old me in your arms .... crush me to you ...."

She vigorously grabs him. Rene drops his duffel bag and flings his arms around her with equal vigour. "Oh, Yvette..."

Edith enters the room. "Rene! What are you doing with your arms around that serving girl?!"

Rene almost slips, and turns to her. "You stupid woman ... Can you not see she slipped and I caught her from falling and injuring herself on zie 'ard floor?"

Yvette nods. "'E 'as marvelous reflexes."

"Be careful, you poor girl," Edith says to Yvette, concerned. "Now come with me. We 'ave customers to serve."

Yvette straightens her skirt and walks into the Cafe with Edith.

Rene continues. "I 'ave 'idden zie bars of gold, melted zem down, painted zem black and hung zem on my cuckoo clock."

Rene points to the clock which gives a stifled squawk. "Of course you see it 'as run out of cuckoo."

A cloaked female figure enters the back room via the open window.

Startled, Rene spins around. "Michelle, what are you doing here?!"

"Shhht!" she hisses. "Gather everyone. I 'ave something very important to discuss."

"As always..." Rene wearily does as she asked.

"Leesen very carefully," she says, "I shall say zis only wence. The Germans are coming to search zie cafe for zie gold. I will now disappear like a black cat into zie night."

She leaps out of the window and a loud follows.

"Dammit! Michelle hisses. "My favorite nail!"

"Like a black cat into a garbage bin," Rene remarks quietly.

Michelle shoots off into the street and almost knocked Crabtree over.

"Which where you're giwing! Oh, Michelle, so sorry old girl. Didn't recognise you."

A man enters Cafe Rene dressed as a German. He apporaches to the bar and lifts up his glasses. "Sss .. It is I - Leclerc."

"As if I didn't know " Rene remarks.

"I am looking for Germans...."

"Well zere aren't any around 'ere .. not yet zat is ..."

Crabtree enters the cafe. "Good mowning."

"It's evening, you eediot," Rene snaps. "What is it now? More bod nose, no doubt."

"Indood. Are you psycoc, Ronne? Lutonant Grueber is here to soo you in his lottle rod tonk."

Rene stiffened. "Ohh... Merde."

Grueber enters and saunteres up to the bar. "I am so sorry Rene... But ve have orders to search your cafe for the gold."

"Go ahead we 'ave nothing to 'ide."

Grueber gestures and guards do to search upstairs.

Rene heard yelling.

"Rene! Edith!"

Rene pulled a face.

The old woman comes down stairs, beating the guards with her stick and spitting on them. "Why are Germans in my room?"

"Get upstairs you silly old bat!"

She sticks her tongue out at him returnes. Lieutenant Grueber walks with Rene to the back room with the cuckoo.

"Oh Rene you have a cuckoo. How delightful!"

The cuckoo groaned.

"Vhat a strange sound for a cuckoo."

"It is a geriatric cuckoo."

"Rene," Grueber says, "zere is something I have been meaning to tell you for quite a -"

One of the guards pokes his head in the door.

"Sorry to interrupt ..."

"Not at all ..." Rene says, quite relieved.

"Ze place is clean," the guard informs Grueber.

"Oh good!" smiles Grueber. "I vas hoping ve vouldn't have to arrest you, Rene. So sorry to bother you. Come and see my new little red tank."

Resigned, Rene goes with him and sees the contraption. "Very nice, Leftenant. Now if you will excuse me, I 'ave customers to serve."

Rene escapes back into the cafe.

"Phoo. That was cleese" said Crabtree.

"You English idiot!" Rene exclaimed. "'Ow long 'ave you been working as a French policeman?"

"Six years and five doos."

Rene shook his head. "Indeed is was close," he sighed. "Ohhh ... I'm getting too old for thees ..."

Rene sits down for dinner at his own cafe, joined by Edith, Yvette and Crabtree. Yvette smiles at Rene and liftes up her dress. She has her new red silk lacy nickers on.

"Oh .... Oh ... Ohh ..."

"What is it Rene?" Edith asks.

"My food ees a little 'ot, that's all."

"But you have Greek salad ..."

"Zie chili .... Zie chili."

"Since when does Greek salad 'ave chili?"

"I decided to try something new!" Rene tells, his wife, exasperated.

Crabtree looks over the table. "Would you piss the salt ploos?"

Yvette gives it to him. "'Ere it ees Monsieur Crabtree."

"Thonk you for the donner Ronne," Crabtree says, when they had finished.

"Don't mention eet," he says, resigned.

While Edith washes the dishes, Rene sneaks upstairs with Yvette. She throws her arms around him.

"Oh .... I love you Rene. But what eef Madame Edith ever finds out?"

"We better 'ope she doesn't."

At that moment Crabtree enters the room.

"I hipe I'm not onteroopting."

"No not at all ... " lied Rene, quickly pulling his hand out of Yvette's dress.

Crabtree widened his eyes. "I thonk I'd better loove now."

"I think you 'ad better," Rene says, curt.

The police officer opened the door, then turned to Rene.

"You botter hope your wofe doesn't feend you hoving sox with the wotress."

And the he leaves.

Rene frowned. "What does 'e mean, 'aving socks?"

Yvette shrugs and kissed him.

"Ohh .... I love you, Yvette ... I want to elope with you forever ..."

"Oh Rene... hold me to you ... Crush my body against your's..."

"Quieten down! Edith may 'ear ..."

They kiss each other again.

The following day, Rene hears the bells on the door jingle. He looks up and is not utterly joyous when he sees who has entered his cafe.

"Good mowning," he says disdainfully.

"Good Mowning, Ronne " replies Crabtree. "I brong bod nose. The Onglish planned to drip their bums on the Gestoopoo headquarters."

"Drip zeir bums? That's disgusting! Even for zem..."

"Bums, Ronne, Bums - boom boom!"

"Oh - bombs..."

"That's what I sod."

"Whatever - what other news 'vae you got?"

"General Von Klinkerhoofen found out and shit the Onglish involved. He took two prosoners."

"Oh," said Rene.

"But luckiloo they escooped."

Two familiar faces stick their heads into Cafe Rene.



"By joe!" Fairfax exclaims. "I'm glad it wasn't me in that shootout old chap!"

"Me neither, old chum!" choruses Carstairs.

"Oh, God ... it gets worse ...." Rene says, flopping into a chair. "I suppose you want me to shelter zem, and Michelle 'as come up with another one of 'er brilliant plans ..."

Crabtree widened his eyes. "You must me psycook!"

"Psycho, more like ...."

Michelle pops up from under a table, at that moment. "Well, are you with us or not?"

"What choose do I 'ave?!" Rene snaps, exasperated. "'Ow could 'Nighthawk' zie 'ero of zie Resistance pass up a chance like zis??!!"

His sarcasm is lost on Michelle. She gathers Edith and Yvette as well.

"Now .... Leesen very carefully, I shall say zis only wence... Rene .... you are to go to zie Chateaux, tell zie Germans you 'ave an idea where zie gold is 'idden."

"And where do I 'ave zis idea where it is 'idden?"

"You will tell zem it is 'idden under zie bridge crossing zie lake."

"And when zey don't find it, zey'll shoot me. Of all zie stupid scheme of yours, Michelle, this one takes zie cake!"

"You are not being fair! I spent all week thinking of zis!"

"Well you 'ave got to do more thinking!"

"If you would let me feenish! When zie Germans don't find zie gold, tell zem zat it was only a tip you 'eard and you weren't certain it was zere in zie first place."

"So that's it?"

"No, zere's more."

"I 'ad to ask ...."

"Zey will only send some guards to look for zie gold. Zis is zie brilliant part of zie plan - you will attract attention to yourself by going into Leftenant Grueber's quarters - zere you will make advances on him."


"It is zie brilliant diversion."

"No - way! Zis is zie crazy diversion! It is even worse than zie first part of your plan."

"If you don't zie people of France will call you a coward."

"Better a coward than -"

"You will do it, Rene, or I will shoot you myself," Michelle threatens, a gun on him, which she pulls out of her red lace stocking.

"Okay ...." Rene sighs. "Like I 'ave a choice... When do I go?"


"Why did I ask ...."

Rene sets off into the night. "Zie things I do ..." he mutters. "When will it all end ...?"









"You silly, English policeman! You took a wrong turn somewhere. We 'ave been flying for days! And zere 'as been no British Aircraft carrier! Lucky we brought enough food!"

"Licky I know hoo to floo a plone."

"It's not so bad," Yvette said with a smile, sidling up to Rene. "Oh, my God - Look - zere's land!"

"Land the plane!" Rene yelled.

Crabtree did so.

"Where are we?" Rene asked.

"Ostrolia," Crabtree said.

"Where the 'ell is Ostrolia?"

"Rene, I zink he means Australia."

"Oh. Great. 'Ow do we get back?"

"The plone needs fuel."


Meanwhile, back at Cafe Rene ....

"Zere has been some bad news," Michelle told Edith. "Rene and Crabtree's plane flew off course and zey did not make the rendezvous."

"Oh, no!" gasped Edith.

"'Owever," Michelle continued. "Zere is a chance zey made it. If zey are alive now, zey are in Australia."

"Australia! But zat's so far away!" Edith bashed the table. "Poor Rene. 'E is such a 'ero. I will go and 'elp him."

"You are brave, Madame Edith, and we 'ave just zie plane for you. We stole it from the Germans and modified it for our use. It 'as a mirror and make up cabinet."


"Good luck, Madame Edith!"

"We 'ave to find somewhere to stay until we can get some fuel," Rene said.

"Oh, Rene what divine hotel will we stay at?" Yvette asked.

"Zis one. It looks nice and cheap."

Yvette looked at the sign. "Dinkums?"

The trio entered.

"Three rooms, please." Rene said.

"What?" the man said. "Speak English, mate!"

"English! I am French, you stupid merde."

"Excuse me, whore is the tillet?" Crabtree asked.

The man gave Crabtree a weird look.

"He means toilet," Rene said, and seeing the Australian still didn't understand him, demonstrated.

The man pointed a rather rickety looking wooden contraption outside marked "Dunny."


Rene held up 3 fingers, to indicate 3 rooms.

"We 'ad better wait for Crabtree," Yvette said.

Crabtree came back and found Rene and Yvette engaged in a long kiss. "Rone!"

Both Rene and Yvette parted immediately.

"You shid be ashomed of yoursolf."

"Oh Crabtree I could not resist .... " said Rene.

"Speak to zis man in English. 'E cannot understand French."

Crabtree nodded. "Three rooms, required, old chap."

"We got one. Twenty bucks a night. Take it or leave it, mate."

Crabtree relayed the information to Rene.

"Rone, he says he has only wen room. Twonty bocks a nit."

Rene sighed. "We'll take it."

The three began to walk up the rickety wooden stairs. The door to their room was almost falling off.

"It's hardly a chateaux, but it'll do ...."

"Oh Rene!" exclaimed Yvette.

"What is it?"

"Zie elasteek of my nickers has snapped!"

The black panties fell to the floor. Crabtree widened his eyes.

Yvette picked them up, and changed.

Edith had taken a short cut to Australia. "It's beautiful .... And what's zat - oh it's a kangaroo!"

She landed the plane and walked for a while.

"What's this? Dinkums... Maybe zey'll 'ave a room. Ohh, I must find Rene ...."

"I'd like a room please."

The Australian had picked up some French in the meantime.

"Sure, love. Some bugger just moved out. Take the second on the left up the stairs."

"I am 'aving a 'hard time understanding Australian..." Edith Muttered.

Edit went into her room. "It could use a woman's touch ..."

Rene and Yvette came out of their room and caught a coach into the city of Sydney.

Crabtree was still snoring in bed.

Yvette and Rene had a wonderful time, together, exploring this place that was so new to them, and so different from Nouveau.

"Quick we better be getting back. Crabtree'll be wondering where we are."

"Where were you? I was wirried sock!"

"Just enjoying the breeze" lied Rene.

The next morning Edith went out of her room, just as Rene was going out his. They walked off in opposite directions.

Yvette and Rene went into Sydney city again. Yvette bought a new pair of black silk underpants, a red silk bra and a slinky see through nightie. When they arrived back, she got into her panties for Rene and danced around the room, singing a French love song for him. Crabtree was out, looking for a place to obtain fuel for the plane. Rene danced with Yvette to the window, they leaned out and came back in. Edith came to her window and looked out. "Oh what a lovely fresh breeze ...."

Rene swung Yvette around the room. Crabtree was returning.

He opened the door. "Rone!"

Rene got such a fright, he let Yvette go and she went flying. She just grabbed onto the window and was dangling out. People were staring up at her and wolf whistling.

"Oh Australians ... 'ave they not seen a French woman in nickers before? ...."

Rene pulled her in and closed the window.

"You stupid idiot!" he yelled at Crabtree

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean fir you to chick her out the wondow!"

"If you must know, Yvette was practising a new dance routine."

Edith was intrigued by all the commotion. She opened her window and saw the people below.

"Oh, Australia is so beautiful. I shall sing or you! Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda .... Tie zie kangaroo down, mate ... Tie zie kangaroo down..."

And not a single bugger was left!

"I wonder what happened? I must have been too much for zem..."

The next day Crabtree, Rene and Yvette all went out, to try to search for fuel.

After lunch they went and strolled around Hyde Park. Crabtree went off by himself. A policeman grabbed his arm.

"Kindly let goo."

"You're comin' with me, mate."

"I will nit come until I know who you are."

"The police. You're under arrest for impersonating a policeman."

"Impissinating?! I did no such thong!"

Crabtree explained who he was. The policeman apologised and walked off.

Crabtree tried to practice his Australian. "G'doo, Mate!"

Rene grabbed his arm. "Where 'ave you been? Come on we'd better be getting back to the 'otel. We 'aven't found fuel anywhere."

"Oh Rene, there's so much to do ... Let's go to a movie ..."

They did so.

"I always did loke Hoomphery Bogart," Crabtree said

The trio returned to their room. Crabtree took a shower.

"Oh Rene" growled Yvette vigorously. "Crush me to you ... "

They hugged.

The next day Rene fell down the stairs and hurt his leg. He was down in the waiting room with a bandage around it waiting for the doctor.

"Nah worries, Mister Renny she'll be right in a few days."

"Thank you."

Rene went upstairs in the lift. He heard terrible singing coming from a room.

"Zat sounds like Edith ... don't tell me Aussies all sing like zat!" He peered into the room. Rene's eyes became wide as plates. He stared at Edith.

"Oh my god....."

He bolted away, as fast as his sore leg would allow and almost collided with Crabtree and Yvette.

"We're going back to France ....I 'ope you found some fuel!"

"We did."

"Thank god!"

"What's the roosh?" Crabtree asked.

"Edith is 'ere! "

Crabtree gasped. "Oh shot!"

Rene stuffed what little stuff they had into a duffel bag and they bolted out of the motel.

"Zat man looked like Rene ...." Edith said, puzzled.

They made it to the plane, hiring a large, but friendly Truckie and his truck to transport the fuel.

"Thanks, mate," Rene said.

"Dahn't mention it, Renny." The Truckie drove off.

Crabtree refuelled the plane.

"Back to the cafe .... France ...." Yvette sighed happily.

"Back to Edith - she'll be back soon .... zie Germans, Michelle, zie resistance ... Leftenant Grueber and his little red tank, Leclerc, zie British Idiots ... and zie silly old bat ..." Rene sighed.

"You still 'ave me!" Yvette smiled.

"And zat's what makes it all worth while!"

And he kissed her.

Crabtree rolled his eyes. "Here we goo agoon ...."




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